[granite1]

i am so confused about what is going on with me and T.i just dont want to go at all.does this mean i dont need it anymore.or am i that scare but i want to cancel so bad i do not have therapy on the 26th so if i cancel this session i will have only had one this month.and dont know if i am running away or what but i believe either way my T wont care so i need to figure it out maybe i should call her and let hewr know i wont be back fore a few weeks untill i get all of this figured out.i dont know if i want her to rescue me or not it has been my experiance that she wont and in fact will get frustrated ao i dont think that is it.i could be terrified and dont want to deal.i just dont know but i am confused.i think i feel like i kind of want to give her a break from me also.

Usually when I am confused and don't know which way is up...I have the best sessions.... cause I don't have an agenda... don't prethink the session.. just let it happen. But the times I've been scared to go... looking back over those times in my journal... I realized that right after going through this scared thing and talking about it with my T. I had a breakthrough... either with a memory or a major realization...

One of the things I had to learn was the difference of being scared of what was going to happen in the session, fear of losing control...of going places I didn't plan was very different from being scared of my T. We had to talk through that for a bit.

I don't know if any of that relates to you. But I really hope you go.

Originally Posted by granite1

i am so confused about what is going on with me and T. . . . and dont know if i am running away or what but i believe either way my T wont care . . . i dont know if i want her to rescue me or not it has been my experiance that she wont and in fact will get frustrated

granite,

This sounds like a painful place to be and I'm sorry. I hear a couple of things in what you said above: 1) your T won't care if you come or go in therapy; and 2) you *may* be wanting her to rescue you from the bad feelings you have around this.

I'd like to point out gently that I think it would be way more productive to use therapy to figure out what's going on between you and your T, as how could you possibly figure out something about a relationship without the other person involved? It seems to me that you need more "data", you need to tell her how you feel and observe how she reacts.

On the first issue, about whether your T cares about whether you come back or not, I see a variation of this playing out in my 10 year old's relationship with his best friend, who lives right next door so they see each other often. Very rarely does my son go over to his house, it is almost always the other boy who comes over to ours. During their play, his friend often says "good-bye, I'm leaving" in response to what my son says or does, sometimes the "provocation" may be real, like my son has a tendency to tease and otherwise annoy. Othertimes it is power play because my son won't do what he want. At times, it is very clear to me that my son's friend just wants to be reassured that he is wanted, cared about, etc. I actually love the way that my son handles this-- without being emotional about it (he used to cry when his friend would threaten this), he reassures him in a very 10 year old way-- he says he's sorry that he hurt his feelings and that he would like for him to stay.

On one hand, because of the nature of the T relationship, she both has to care that you continue in T and she has to be willing to let you go, no matter how misguided she thinks you are. I wonder if this has ever been a pattern for you in your relationships with people, feeling like they don't care if you go or not. For me, during a certain time in my life, I had trouble accepting that anyone would want to be around me in any way, romantic or otherwise. I'd feel that they didn't care about a relationship with me, and dump them without a second thought. Then I got over this, and I started lusting after a series of people who would most assuredly ceremonially dump me, after a long period of articulating to me in immense detail how they weren't sure if they wanted to stay or go. I was able to stand firm (I was in a different place) and say to my succession of wafflers, well, I'm standing here offering you love, you can either accept it or not, but I'm staying put until you make a decision. Eventually, I got better at picking people who would stand openhearted with me in the stormy waters of love and friendship.

I kind of have a theory about the major relational task that we all have. I think that either we need to learn to stay rather than run, or we need to learn to walk away rather than to stay. If we learn how to do both of these things, I think we are able to find some kind of balance in relationships in all kinds of ways. Not that I have this all figured out.

Your T has to allow you to walk away with dignity if you are determined to run away. You will not get a reaction from her if you say you're outta here, so if you are trying to provoke rescue or any other reaction, you will likely be disappointed. And you know that a good T will not rescue you from your feelings, no matter how much she might want to do that.

Maybe there's something in this rambling that will make sense and be useful to you.

Anne

[rainbow8]

granite, I hope you don't mind my being a little blunt. You know I love you! I think you are just plain scared! You know you've been getting closer to your T and that means you have to start sharing your issues with her. That means talking, which scares you to death. You know I understand that!

Walking away now is the very worst thing you can do. You know, I actually thought of quitting after my session yesterday! Here I am getting into the nitty gritty of my issue and it seems like I want to run away. I didn't want my T to see me out-of-control, but she did. I'm scared!!! But this is where healing is going to take place!

The same with YOU, I think. I think the BPD/mindfulness/DBT issue is just clouding the issue. You don't HAVE to do those things. But you HAVE to connect with and become close to your T in order to work on your issues. That's the main problem, IMHO. That's why you don't want to go back.

Your T cares about you and is happy you've started to talk to her. Saying that she wants a break from you is a way of protecting yourself. Your job is NOT to try to figure it out. My T keeps telling me that over and over. Your job is just to go and be honest with how you are feeling. Trying to figure it out will just confuse you more and cloud the issues more.

Please go to your session and try to just "be there" with whatever you are feeling like you've been doing. If you're terrified, just BE terrified with your T. It's all right to be scared, even terrified. That's what your T is there for: to help you with your feelings, no matter what they are.

[ECHOES]

The unknown is scaring you. Understandable!
The idea of mindfulness, something new to you, scared you.
Then the session where you talked about mindfulness with your T scared you.
I hope you and T can keep talking about this until you feel comfortable, so she can understand what abruptness feels like to you and how you respond. I think it's really important that therapy feels like something you are doing with along with T and not something that feels like being forced by T to do.

[Luce]

When we run into tough things in T I think we protect ourselves by emotionally detaching from them. It is far easier to do this than to face the conflict, the fear and the turmoil. The detachment (wanting not to return, needing a break) helps us reach a place of equilibrium so that our inner turmoil has a chance to settle down again. I used to get into this pattern of detaching and wanting to leave T ALL the time.
I don't know about others, but in my experience once that detachment enabled me to calm down again I was able to feel like I wanted to return to T once more. It never took long - I always seemed to be ready by the next appointment time!
I think it's okay to use this feeling of detachment to help yourself calm down again. It will not last forever, and it's okay to feel it while it's there. Just be careful about acting on it, though, and remember that you have felt this feeling plenty of times before and it will almost certainly be only temporary. Detachment is a defense mechanism to protect us from pain, and it's okay to let it do its job.

Granite, this has been a very long hard battle between you and t. i don't think you are battling anymore. i agree, i think you may be scared of what happens if t gets too close....
please go and please continue to trust t. she has been there for you in the beginning and she will be there again..

hang in there sweetie, you are worth it!!!!!

[ECHOES]

Hope you are feeling better this evening.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Hope you are feeling better this evening.

me too!!

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by ECHOES
Hope you are feeling better this evening.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

me too!!

me three.

[unaluna]

It's strange, I was GOING to say, because I've been thinking this for a while, that why don't you just look at it like you have made a commitment, like being married - you don't threaten to leave your husband every month, do you? BUT then I realized, yes, that is EXACTLY what I used to do! T, I can commit to; husbands, not so much! Oh well, no help from hankster on this one, sorry, just hugs and sending good thoughts your way. When I get this way, I just keep cutting my hair shorter and shorter, I have an appt at the beauty school before T tomorrow. Not a plan I recommend.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Usually when I am confused and don't know which way is up...I have the best sessions.... cause I don't have an agenda... don't prethink the session.. just let it happen. But the times I've been scared to go... looking back over those times in my journal... I realized that right after going through this scared thing and talking about it with my T. I had a breakthrough... either with a memory or a major realization...

One of the things I had to learn was the difference of being scared of what was going to happen in the session, fear of losing control...of going places I didn't plan was very different from being scared of my T. We had to talk through that for a bit.

I don't know if any of that relates to you. But I really hope you go.

thanks readytostop i know that i am scared but i am not scared of my T i dont think .i have been scared of her in the past and i agree it is very differnt

[granite1]

Originally Posted by hankster

It's strange, I was GOING to say, because I've been thinking this for a while, that why don't you just look at it like you have made a commitment, like being married - you don't threaten to leave your husband every month, do you? BUT then I realized, yes, that is EXACTLY what I used to do! T, I can commit to; husbands, not so much! Oh well, no help from hankster on this one, sorry, just hugs and sending good thoughts your way. When I get this way, I just keep cutting my hair shorter and shorter, I have an appt at the beauty school before T tomorrow. Not a plan I recommend.

i just got my hair cut short yesterday lol

[granite1]

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

granite,

This sounds like a painful place to be and I'm sorry. I hear a couple of things in what you said above: 1) your T won't care if you come or go in therapy; and 2) you *may* be wanting her to rescue you from the bad feelings you have around this.

I'd like to point out gently that I think it would be way more productive to use therapy to figure out what's going on between you and your T, as how could you possibly figure out something about a relationship without the other person involved? It seems to me that you need more "data", you need to tell her how you feel and observe how she reacts.

On the first issue, about whether your T cares about whether you come back or not, I see a variation of this playing out in my 10 year old's relationship with his best friend, who lives right next door so they see each other often. Very rarely does my son go over to his house, it is almost always the other boy who comes over to ours. During their play, his friend often says "good-bye, I'm leaving" in response to what my son says or does, sometimes the "provocation" may be real, like my son has a tendency to tease and otherwise annoy. Othertimes it is power play because my son won't do what he want. At times, it is very clear to me that my son's friend just wants to be reassured that he is wanted, cared about, etc. I actually love the way that my son handles this-- without being emotional about it (he used to cry when his friend would threaten this), he reassures him in a very 10 year old way-- he says he's sorry that he hurt his feelings and that he would like for him to stay.

On one hand, because of the nature of the T relationship, she both has to care that you continue in T and she has to be willing to let you go, no matter how misguided she thinks you are. I wonder if this has ever been a pattern for you in your relationships with people, feeling like they don't care if you go or not. For me, during a certain time in my life, I had trouble accepting that anyone would want to be around me in any way, romantic or otherwise. I'd feel that they didn't care about a relationship with me, and dump them without a second thought. Then I got over this, and I started lusting after a series of people who would most assuredly ceremonially dump me, after a long period of articulating to me in immense detail how they weren't sure if they wanted to stay or go. I was able to stand firm (I was in a different place) and say to my succession of wafflers, well, I'm standing here offering you love, you can either accept it or not, but I'm staying put until you make a decision. Eventually, I got better at picking people who would stand openhearted with me in the stormy waters of love and friendship.

I kind of have a theory about the major relational task that we all have. I think that either we need to learn to stay rather than run, or we need to learn to walk away rather than to stay. If we learn how to do both of these things, I think we are able to find some kind of balance in relationships in all kinds of ways. Not that I have this all figured out.

Your T has to allow you to walk away with dignity if you are determined to run away. You will not get a reaction from her if you say you're outta here, so if you are trying to provoke rescue or any other reaction, you will likely be disappointed. And you know that a good T will not rescue you from your feelings, no matter how much she might want to do that.

Maybe there's something in this rambling that will make sense and be useful to you.

Anne

thankyou for sharing the story about your son.
i know that my T wont ask me to not leave.she told me this.i also know that she wont rescue me at all.i know all this deep down.so i wonder if this is what i really want.
i really love your comments about staying or running you are definately on to something there.i do tend to run. thanks

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

granite, I hope you don't mind my being a little blunt. You know I love you! I think you are just plain scared! You know you've been getting closer to your T and that means you have to start sharing your issues with her. That means talking, which scares you to death. You know I understand that!

Walking away now is the very worst thing you can do. You know, I actually thought of quitting after my session yesterday! Here I am getting into the nitty gritty of my issue and it seems like I want to run away. I didn't want my T to see me out-of-control, but she did. I'm scared!!! But this is where healing is going to take place!

The same with YOU, I think. I think the BPD/mindfulness/DBT issue is just clouding the issue. You don't HAVE to do those things. But you HAVE to connect with and become close to your T in order to work on your issues. That's the main problem, IMHO. That's why you don't want to go back.

Your T cares about you and is happy you've started to talk to her. Saying that she wants a break from you is a way of protecting yourself. Your job is NOT to try to figure it out. My T keeps telling me that over and over. Your job is just to go and be honest with how you are feeling. Trying to figure it out will just confuse you more and cloud the issues more.

Please go to your session and try to just "be there" with whatever you are feeling like you've been doing. If you're terrified, just BE terrified with your T. It's all right to be scared, even terrified. That's what your T is there for: to help you with your feelings, no matter what they are.

rain you know mw so well.i am completely terrified about what is going on.i know i have been talking to her some and that terrifies me.i cant help but think she hates me but i just try to keep saying to myself that it is just the way i am thinking etc...that it cant be true .but how long am i going to be able to just talk myself out of or ignore these feelings.i so dont want to tell her these things.
god if i trust her and she hurts me i swear it will be awful

[granite1]

Originally Posted by jbmomg

Granite, this has been a very long hard battle between you and t. i don't think you are battling anymore. i agree, i think you may be scared of what happens if t gets too close....
please go and please continue to trust t. she has been there for you in the beginning and she will be there again..

hang in there sweetie, you are worth it!!!!!

i am going so far tonight was the last chance i had to canccel and not pay,she is out the rest of the week.i really had the phone in my hand but chickened out.believe it or not i convinced myself to go by reminding myself if i am so scared i dont have to talk at all i am kind of forgetting this(STRANGE I KNOW)i can just sit thatr even if she points out i am not talking or says anything to me.i can hide in my head

[granite1]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

The unknown is scaring you. Understandable!
The idea of mindfulness, something new to you, scared you.
Then the session where you talked about mindfulness with your T scared you.
I hope you and T can keep talking about this until you feel comfortable, so she can understand what abruptness feels like to you and how you respond. I think it's really important that therapy feels like something you are doing with along with T and not something that feels like being forced by T to do.

i really am going to try to keep talking but i truely hold no promices that i can but i am still going to go to my session.at this point i think T is something being done to me but i dont think this is my T diong it is totally my doing

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Luce

When we run into tough things in T I think we protect ourselves by emotionally detaching from them. It is far easier to do this than to face the conflict, the fear and the turmoil. The detachment (wanting not to return, needing a break) helps us reach a place of equilibrium so that our inner turmoil has a chance to settle down again. I used to get into this pattern of detaching and wanting to leave T ALL the time.
I don't know about others, but in my experience once that detachment enabled me to calm down again I was able to feel like I wanted to return to T once more. It never took long - I always seemed to be ready by the next appointment time!
I think it's okay to use this feeling of detachment to help yourself calm down again. It will not last forever, and it's okay to feel it while it's there. Just be careful about acting on it, though, and remember that you have felt this feeling plenty of times before and it will almost certainly be only temporary. Detachment is a defense mechanism to protect us from pain, and it's okay to let it do its job.

i really am trying to remember that this feeling wont last or will eventually change

[granite1]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Hope you are feeling better this evening.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

me too!!

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

me three.

thanks guys.i do think i am doing a bit better as my las session is further away.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by granite1

.i do think i am doing a bit better as my las session is further away.

I think this is an indication of processing... you will come out of it with a gain, Granite

[PTSDlovemycats]

Granite, as a wise PC Member (I don't remember who so don't ask) once told me, when you want to cancel THAT is when you NEED to go the most. Hope that helps. It helped me.

P.S. -I went instead of cancelling *Hint, hint *

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

i am completely terrified about what is going on.
i know i have been talking to her some and that terrifies me.
how long am i going to be able to just talk myself out of or ignore these feelings.
i so dont want to tell her these things.
god if i trust her and she hurts me i swear it will be awful

This is really, really important what you said here ^ granite.