Went back to cold, distant T

All,

For reasons that I don't fully understand, I returned to my cold, distant T for a session yesterday. I thought it was a chance to "get closure.." Boy, was I wrong. I feel like I ripped open a scab. I've really had a hard time just arriving at my job. I'm worried about myself, actually, and had a long talk with my closest friend this morning and am doing a little better but I wanted to reach out to PC people for help too.

Basically, what I learned was that my sensitivity to Ts body language and comments have prevented me from developing a trust in T. The last session really made that clear...the session degenerated into an argument wiith blame on both sides. I feel like T has an agenda for my therapy that I'm not meeting and the bottom line is that I feel that I am a failure in therapy for NOT tackling issues that seem to light up his board (sexuality and relationships) whereas issues that I want to bring up (spirituality and intuitive capacities) elicit nothing but silence and indifference from him...I feel totally awful because for nine months now I've tried my heart out in therapy with this person and it has been sinking for a long time (the therapy AND my heart). I have so much self blame and shame over this because when I brought up the fact that his language, demeanor and methods were reducing the chances of me opening up to talk about issues that I need, I felt really out of line..

yesterday's session was a total wreck to the point that rather than ending with a whimper, this whole T crashed with a bang and now I am wondering: what is our ability as clients to be able to ask for a therapist to modulate their approach to us? Was I out of line for asking my therapist not to be so frontal, linear, confrontational...at one point in therapy, when the conversation had bogged down and I wasn't speaking, he stared at me, his hands in a steeple position and said, LETS GO. It totally freaked me out! I clammed up and got anxious and then totally lashed out...telling him that was not a way to get me to open up. He turned it around and made it completely about me, and I'm fine with owning the fact that too much pressure freaks me out, but why is it off the table to consider that he might have a hand in creating the train wreck?

What do people think? Can't we ask our Ts to adjust their approaches, or is this really Take-It-or-Leave It Land? Have others asked for changes in communication patterns, and what has the response been? As I've said, I need to move on and now wish wish wish that I had not gone back but i am scared to move to another T and find that once again, I'm too sensitive...and I'll start the expensive, heartbreaking cycle over. Can anyone relate? I feel totally devastated.

He really said, "LET'S GO" to you? Ugh - I would not have a positive reaction to a T like that. I'm sorry you've invested a lot of time and money in this relationship, but I really think there is a T out there better suited for you.

My T is not a great fit for me on paper (he specializes in issues that I don't have), but I just really like him and respect him, so I think our weird relationship works. I hope you find someone MUCH better!

I agree your T was really out of line saying "Let's go" when you were silenced. He should've been more sensitive. Overall it sounds like he's too confrontational for you, and would be for me too. I am sorry you invested such an amount of time, energy and money into this. I hope you can find a new T who is better suited to your needs. Good luck.

Absolutely, you can ask a T to adjust their approach...but keep in mind they may not be able to or may not be comfortable doing so...in which case, it's up to you as the client to decide if it's time to find a T that's a better fit for you.

I have given feedback to my T several times about what does and does not work well for me. She has always thanked me for the feedback, told me she appreciates it and has tried to change things to better help me. I'm always willing to try whatever my T suggests, but if I try it and realize it's just not something that's effective for me, I'll tell my T that and we'll talk about it and figure out something else. You do have to feel comfortable enough with your T to feel like you can give feedback and that it will be accepted and considered. If you don't have that comfort level, or don't feel like your T is willing to really work with you, then maybe it's just not the right fit.

My T and I spent ALL of last session talking about what she is doing right so she can do more of it. Which, in an odd sort of way turned out to be one of the most productive sessions for me that I have had in 17 yrs (Most of those with crappy T's). She is eager to "do more of" what I feel is "right" so that she can best benefit me.
My T is also certified in spiritual direction and is very comfortable talking about spirituality... in ALL it's forms. It may be something you want to look into. While about half of the T's I have worked with said they would discuss spirituality rarely were they really able to. Two of them even got their degrees from a seminary. I knew the faith background of all but 1 T I have worked with, they were all spiritual people. Current T is the ONLY one who has been able to go there with me in a meaningful way.

I certainly think you can and have the right to ask a t to change or modify their approach or interaction with you, but they can refuse and then you have to decide whether it is worth it/you are getting anything from it if they refuse. I think there are many good ts who are flexible, you may have to interview a few to find a good one for you. I have been to about 14 different ones this year trying out ones with different approaches, different credentials etc and I keep going back to the first one I tried even though I know there are some problems with her, she is not as odd for me to interact with as many of the others. There are some whackos out there with licenses. I have asked and mine has responded to some changes in approaches. She even knows I have tried out others to see if there was a better fit and she was fine with it (or possibly hopeful I would find someone else and quit plaguing her).

One thing I did when starting with my regular t is when I initally called her about making a first appointment, I told her what had been a problem for me with the other time I had tried therapy and asked how her approach might be different or adjustable because I did not want a specific thing done again. She assured me she would never use that specific technique and so I made an appointment with her.

Wow - that is confrontational - that approach would totally crush me in to millions of pieces - my T is the opposite, very gentle with me - in fact so gentle I often feel like a Ming vase. I think the confrontational approach may work for me later down the line, but not now and I think T repects that. Sounds like your T has some stuff to work through themself.

Oh I am crushed. Totally. I didn't like this T's approach but there was a bond and now I feel like there is little positive to glean..except that I will want to follow my gut in the future, because yesterday's session was just the culmination in a long pattern of confrontation, being the emphasis in this therapy. I certainly think that steering clear of psychodynamic therapy is going to be my strategy. And I will join the large group of people in this town who speak ill of this person when asked directly. I can't say I would be able to recommend. Beyond that, I think I'm going to have a lot of work ahead of me healing from my healer. Sheesh!

I'm sorry you had such a hard time with your T. My former T was like that though not as confrontational. I now see a T who does IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy and EMDR. Her approach is gentle and compassionate. I think IFS Ts are similar in their approach. Maybe you could look into one. I think you will know what to ask about or look for when you seek out a new T. Good luck!!

Yes, he did. I said, after a long silence...well this is hard. I'm trying, long silence... LETS GO....It totally freaked me out. I was shaking as I left the office, and got NO sleep last night and battling anxiety...I can't even convey his body language...very intense stare, cross look, leaning forward with his hands in the steeple configuration and I have to say I feel totally apart from any connection. There may be posters here who say I need to shrug this off, but I don't want, at this stage in my life, to develop insensitivity skills. This therapy is something I need to overcome, move on from, heal from, but in terms of benefits...well, they were minimal apart from understanding a problem at work.

mcl6136 -- It doesn't seem like this is a healthy client/T relationship for you

I know 'starting again' may seem overwhelming, but might be a better option than throwing good money after bad going to see your current 'cold, distant' T. I don't think therapy should be making you feel this way, hun.

Only you can decide, though. Good luck with whichever way you want to go

What did he say to this? Did he apologize for only wanting to talk about his favorite issues and not the ones that are most concerning to you? Did he say those other issues you need help with are outside of his scope of practice? Not all Ts do all issues. Maybe he doesn't know how to help with spirituality and intuitive capacities? If that is true, I think they are supposed to refer you to a therapist who has the expertise to help you with your problems.

This doesn't sound psychodynamic at all. A psychodynamic T knows that silences mean something, and they know how to let the silence ride so that what comes up for the client has a chance to come up. The "let's go" technique he used does not sound therapeutic and makes me wonder if he really has psychodynamic training.

Yes, we can ask. They won't always change, though, but often they will. I have asked my T, for example, not to have his computer open next to him during our sessions, and he has put it away. He has also asked me several times, especially in our first year of therapy, "what can I do to make it safe for you here?" So he wants to know how he can adjust the therapy to make it work for me. It sounds to me that your T does not want to create a safe environment for you. The environment you describe sounds hostile.

I don't think it is healthy for you to remain in therapy with this T. I hope you can move on and find someone more helpful who knows how to help with the issues you want to work on.

the book i'm reading at the moment (one of irvin yaloms) mentions adjusting the therapy for the person and I think some T's will do that especially if they've worked with a number of therapy models, so I think what you asked can and does happen. The other part though is will it; if you've gone to someone who only offers the one style of therapy then probably that's what you are going to get. The "let's go" comment sounds very similar to what my CBT based therapist does. He feels like silence doesn't achieve anything so is very much of the "let's go" approach so that we can get going on tackling issues. In contrast my other T believes that a lot happens in the silences and we learn from them and is happy to sit with me through them. My experience is there is a time for both, and that both can be healing and helpful ... financially I (obviously) very much wish I could find someone who gave a combination of both approaches but it hasn't happened yet. Your T may be doing what has worked before; what he finds is helpful and is the way he was "taught" to practice; if he isn't open to being flexible it may be because he isn't qualified to do so, or because he doesn't think it is best for you for some reason. If the two of you can't work together which seems to be what you've found then hopefully you can take what you've learnt from him and the progress you've made (and sometimes you have mentioned progress so don't let go of that) and search for someone who offers more of the approach you believe will benefit you. Maybe someone warmer and more personable and leave this T to those who will benefit from his style of therapy (and yes I know it's much easier said than done, I really do)

i'm sorry mcl.

i've been to a bunch of t's who didn't work out. With the benefit of hindsight, there were two or three of them where I think it was the therapist more than me. But I'm identifying with your frustration over having put in the time and money and effort. I'm sorry about that and I'm glad it wasn't longer. A lot of people have to take a really long time to find the right t, so I hope it won't take that long for you.

Okay--People are saying a lot of what I am thinking--So, I'm not gonna go there completley in this response. I'm just gonna quote...

"Absolutely, you can ask a T to adjust their approach...but keep in mind they may not be able to or may not be comfortable doing so...in which case, it's up to you as the client to decide if it's time to find a T that's a better fit for you."

I was thinking that...that exact same thing.

Plus, YOU are paying money. Therapy is about YOU, at the end of the day. And what YOU need. Your needs are valid.

But, I really want to address this shame and self-blame--

since you feel this way in therapy, you probably experience this in real life.

YOU do not have to carry this weight.

Do you realize this?

YOU can make a choice to NOT carry the weight of shame and self-blame in therapy because YOU are worth healing.

Yes, its hard. But, I hope you can release yourself from this.

Thank God, feelings are not always reality and they don't have the final word.
Even if you feel your to blame, you feel shame, you feel you've done something wrong, you feel you were out of line in saying that...
you feel you feel you feel...

that is okay.. but, think about what YOU know.
and meditate on that. we are what we meditate on.
What do you know?

--confrontation/pressure is uncomfortable for you--
for you, you know that people have to be more gentle with you when it comes to confronting you, until you can learn how to remain calm...

--you know in your gut, that even if any of us were partially responsible for mistakes in therapy, our therapist is too...
thats like telling a student in a classroom its entirely their fault for failing a test...!
Yes, we know it was there responsibility to study and they should have learned better but, what about the teacher? Did the teacher do everything they could and teach in a variety of ways in order for the student to gain proper knowledge of the material? EVERY relationship we enter in life is TWO-WAY. Marriage, Friendship and

YES, therapy...
too.

So, we hear what you feel?!?

but, what do YOU know?

cus' feelings don't always tell us the truth, sometimes they do, and they are PART of the truth but, what do you KNOW to be true?

Release yourself from this self-blame and shame.
it is unneccesary.
you are worth more then this
you will make it
you have strength.
you have courage.

you will NOT fail.

instead approach these problems with what both you know and what you feel to be true.

listen to that gut.

I've been there. it is too much to carry. it really is. we have to stop trying to carry this load. freedom is ours. God has forgiven us and we are free.

Hey MCL..

Ok this is probably terribly inappropriate...

What a conceited self-absorbed prick!

You have absolutely NOTHING to feel badly about. You need a real therapist that can offer support and encouragement and guidance and nourishment on the issues and topics that YOU need to deal with not on whatever "agenda" he has or whatever is obviously within his narrow and limited scope. Oh, he has made me mad hurting you like that!!

Goodness...I hope you can find the right T for you and listen to the great advice offered here and in other threads and article here and in other places on finding the right T for you. You are just SO worth it and your healing journey is worth fighting for tooth and nail. Let him the hell go and move on!

My T now is like number 6. I had one that had "pat" little speeches he gave on certain topics that made try to fit the situation even if they didn't...first time he gave the same one..I was outta there.
One had too many cats in the house and funky body image pictures that scared the crud out of me and I caught her in a lie...outta there.
One was a conceited prick..very cold and had to pee ever 20 min...outta there..
You get the picture..
My T now means the world to me and makes right all the bad T's that I had to go through to get to him.

Your T is just waiting...Get looking..you are outta here!

Large brave and healing huggles!!

Wysteria Blue

Thank you so much! The funny thing is that i have been thinking of the phrase, Throwing Good money after bad all day long and seeing this in your post...this little coincidence made all the difference!

I agree...I don't think it's healthy to remain. I think it's going to be very hard to get past the fact that I feel bonded to this person. Not in a good way, either. There's a part of me that wants to re-double my efforts and repair this and succeed in therapy...and there's something a little troubling about my willingness to go on. Once I do, I'll be so so so relieved though!

Abusive. Move on from him.

Wow! I am so amazed at your note. Thank you for your extraordinary wisdom, support and kindness....I'm humbled, actually!

I do feel as though I am carrying a lot that's connected to this therapy...a lot that's not mine, actually. It is such a weight! And then some stuff, which is my own... (feelings that may not tell the whole story) that I can begin to let go of. The fact that I NEED a more supportive atmosphere in this therapy is where the shame really is based. It's hard for me to admit this to myself....and I am a long way from admitting this to this T...and will likely not do so, because it doesn't feel safe. Because of my family background, it's esssential for me to feel that I'm in an atmosphere of trust and safety bEFORE OPENING UP. I can deal all day long and into the night with someone who isn't open, isn't embracing, and compassionate but I WON"T OPEN UP. Since much of what needs to happen in therapy involves opening up, this is a problem...and my T dealt with it by (at times, not always) applying force. And then when I perceived that force, I freaked out and either shut down or lashed out. That's the part that I also have shame about. All of this needs to be healed, and that's why I can see myself in some therapy going forward. I know there are changes afoot... Which is what gives me hope: the possibility that these places could actually heal. Interesting because I went into the therapy session (which went so wrong) thinking that I might talk about a religious experience that I had a few days earlier. The topic was rebuffed. But I still had that experience! I can treasure the hours I spent sitting on the bank of a creek listening to water (at watersedge!) and feeling true unity with something greater than me (I'm not traditionally religious, so this is all fairly new!). I had moments of real peace and beauty. I wanted to convey that to my T. However, I left our session feeling dreadful..hurt and shamed. Now, reading your note, I recall my precious hours..and remember that I can find forgiveness, grace, and peace for myself, with the help of friends, my animals, the earth's beauty and the people on this forum. Thank you for helping me recall this, and for helping to offer what my T could not and may not be able to offer, at least for me at this point.

outta there!

I have not wanted to admit this. In fact, I have wanted him to like me, have wanted him to think his style didn't affect me adversely, and have wanted to be a STAR PUPIL.

All of that needs to be examined somewhere SAFE and SUPPORTIVE.

I don't need to be coddled, but I don't need someone telling me that my "avoidance defenses" were part of my "bag of tricks."
Okay, I'll stop telling horror stories about this experience now, but suffice to say, I need to move on. this healing will not happen overnight. But it began last night, and that's something.