This is probably going to be long. I just have to write it out.

I saw T today for the first time in two weeks. The last time I saw him was the Worst Session Ever. We just hit the BOTTOM of everything and it hurt and was awful. And then he left.

I wrote for a few days and made myself, literally, physically sick, so I stopped and took a break from PC and just tried to be in my life...so I had a lot of anxiety about going to session today.

Last night I had kind of a mini-crisis with my 9 year old (a completely rare and almost unheard-of thing) so I was with him trying to help him through some stuff most of the night. That's the first thing I talked about when I saw T. It took a long time to get through all of it, but it was helpful to have him listen and to get his feedback. SO helpful, actually.

He told me about a person he would like us to work with together to do some somatic-awarenss work. He would coach us and T would do the exercises with me. The first session with him would be free so we'd see if we could all work together. I think I will probably end up trying it. It's so weird, the thought of "someone else" being there with me and T, but I know how highly T thinks of this person, so I think it will be okay.

When he mentioned that, I can't quite remember what happened, but I know that I got kind of lost. I know it was childhood stuff coming up. I don't even know if I was talking about loud or just in my head, I just remember the feelings. SO much sadness and pain. I told T I wanted to do something different.

I thought he would say okay, but instead, he said "can we find a way to stay right here and make it more gentle and grounded and okay?" I told him I didn't think so. I told him my (bare) feet were sweating because I was so scared. He started talking about imagining a cool stream that I could put my feet in, describing it and how it would feel. And I know I was somewhere in between adult me and child me - like we were both there - and it made me cry, that he would be so nice to the child me. I mean, I said "this feels bad" and T basically said "let's try to make it feel better". This child self has never ever ever experienced that. I think I said " you are too nice to her"

I told him it hurt SO MUCH, because it did. I was curled up, laying in the corner of the couch with a cushion in front of me and my hands over my face. I wanted to be as tiny as possible, so maybe the pain could be contained. T asked where it hurt and I said "in my chest" and he asked what part of my body hurt and I realized it was my heart. And I told him. He asked if it felt like my heart was broken. Ugh. Writing about it NOW hurts.

He asked me to take a step closer to this child self. My littlest part has done LOTS of work with T, but not this most hidden part. I tried. He asked what I would tell her. I can't remember what I said first. He asked what else and I told her "it's not your fault". I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth. I REALLY wanted to be done and I asked T to PLEASE help me be done, and he said okay, but could I say three more words to her. "I. love. you.". And I COULDN'T SAY IT, and I literally burst into tears. Not tears rolling down my cheek, or quiet sobs...hot, painful, child tears. Loud, loud tears. Can't breathe tears. I was so scared that I was like my parents. They couldn't love her and I COULDN'T EITHER. I don't know if I've ever cried like that in my life. Looking back, there was no thought of who I was with, or where i was, or who might hear. Just me and my hot tears and my sobs.

I told T I was bad because I couldn't say it. And he said I'm not bad, I never was bad. I asked him to please sit with me.

And he came over and sat next to me and wrapped me up with his arms and put his head on my head and just let me curl up against him and cry on his chest. And it was so compassionate and gentle and okay. I told him I wanted to make it better, and he said "you just did, a little, when you asked me to come over here". I rested my head on his arm and he held both of me hands and I just breathed, for a long time. I asked if he loved the child, and he said "very much". And I asked if he would love her until I could and he said that's exactly what he would do.

While we sat there, he gave me a breathing exercise to do this weekend. Every time I notice my breath - if I just sigh, or am frustrated and let our a big breath, or I'm out of breath from exercising, or whatever - he gave me an affirmation to breathe in, and breathe out, over and over again. We practiced it some.

And then it was time to go. We both sat on the edge of the couch before he got up to get my receipt and he rubbed my back for a second and then he got my receipt and we did all of that. I tried to make a joke to make things better, and he laughed, because he's nice. We hugged. I left.

When I got in the car, I had a missed call from home and it was my 9 year old telling me something that he thought was so funny that he was laughing really hard, and it made ME laugh, right in the middle of all of that hurt and pain. It was so surreal to have that joy in the middle of so much sad, but I was SO grateful for it.

I spent the day with lots and lots of people, so I haven't had a lot of time to process the session until now. Honestly, it's overwhelming, and I took two klonopin and now it's a little bit better. I really, honestly didn't know it could hurt so much. The pain in session is almost unbearable. It feels like I can't even survive it...but I guess I do. And to have T love me in the middle of feeling the most painful feelings I've ever felt must be a good thing. When I was little, I had to do whatever it took - go away in my head, split into parts, create a pretend life to tell my friends about - to not feel those feelings. There was no one to hold me to make it better. There really was no one to love me, except maybe my best friend's mom, but she didn't know about my house. And now here are the feelings, and here is the love, all at the same time. It feels big and overwhelming. I hope, so much, that it's helping me heal.

I actually had two sessions scheduled for next week - Tuesday for an hour and Thursday for 90 minutes - and I think T felt like I should come Tuesday - but I decided to cancel the Tuesday one and just go on Thursday. I just don't think I can do this more than once a week.

I guess that's it, and I haven't scrolled back, but I bet this is LONG. If you read it, thank you And if not, it's okay too. It helps me to get it out of my head and into writing, and this just feels like a safe place to do that.

So. I'm breathing and trying really, really, REALLY hard to believe that somehow, this is all really going to be okay. I used to want SO badly to wish the past away. Now I think I just want to deal with it so maybe someday I can be whole.

[rainbow_rose]

[googley]

((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))



You are so strong getting through this. Be proud of yourself.

[FourRedheads]

Tree, thank you for sharing. I wish I had the words to express what I'm feeling right now. Words just don't seem adequate.

[Luce]

love to you, love to t. maybe just wrap up in that love until those sobs are done.

[Hope-Full]

Tree

[Butterflies Are Free]

I am so proud of you and so glad your T was there to help support you!

[WePow]

Your post moved me to tears. That is so wonderful! Great work!

[Wysteria]

I thought it was beautiful and moving and showed so much compassion on the part of your T...and so much courage on your's...

I'm so glad that you trusted us with this incredible story from your incredible journey...

Warm and safe snuggles,

Wysteria Blue

[WikidPissah]

good job tree
(((((Tree)))))

[Sannah]

Great work Tree........

[mcl6136]

It is amazing that you're doing this work and also being a parent and still able to keep us connected to it all!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Oh my goodness. of course I read the whole thing. you are so. amazing. Get some rest now (and I am glad that yr 9 yr old is good medicine for you. Laughs are good!)

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( littlest tree )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Tree, sounds like t knew exactly what you were needing, from pushing, to hugging and to holding. aren't they amazing creatures sometimes!
sending tons and tons of safe hugs