[dizgirl2011]

Hey guys,

I am going through a bit of a tough time with my T. many of you replied to my last topic but i had it removed as I dont want my T idenifying me but if any of you want an update feel free to PM me.

After a difficult session yesterday which I waited a very long horrible week to get to, i didnt feel any better. For a few hours afterwards I wondered whether to contact my T or not and tell her how I felt because I just felt horrible and scared of another miserable week ahead.

As I sat there in my car, parked in town, my T passed me with her young child and it completely triggered me. It triggered the inner child part of me that longs for her to love me as her own, even though I know realistically that would never happen and I am very good at keeping the boundaries. It just really brought home how I was sitting needing reassurance and thinking about contacting her and she was away back to her normal life (which she has ever right to). I guess its left me feeling like just a job, insignificant, actually alone in my struggle etc.
I know these arent realistic feelings and I know the reality etc but it doesn't stop the feelings and with the combined bad session and that, I really feel bad

anyone else experience this?

[SoupDragon]

Hi I haven't seen T outside of the sessions, but T mentioned somewhere they go that is near me - with their friends. I want to be one of those friends, I hate these feelings of wanting to be more than a client - they are not at all romantic feelings, but just wanting to have a friendship.

So I really get the insignificant, feeling alone bit. Actually I have felt so alone this week, that I am wondering whether seeing T is worth all this "wanting" "needing". It is so confusing and really hard.

[geez]

((((dizgirl)))) I can soooooo relate! My former T lives in the same town as I and she has two teen daughters. One time I saw her at an office supply store with one of her daughters making photocopies for her daughter getting ready for college applications etc... There was a part of me that wished I was loved the way she loved/es her daughters. I can tell she really cares for them in some of the thing she helps them with based on what I saw and in conversation things she has said. I too wished my fomer T would love and care for me much like she does her own daughters even though I know it's not possible.

I hope you feel a little less alone dizgirl. PM me if you'd like and hang in there.

[rainbow8]

Like I posted in the other thread, I've been through it a lot. I used to see my former T with her daughter and also with her grandchildren. Once she put her hand through her grandson's hair (he was about 3 or 4 years old) and I was immobilized. It was very painful to see the reality.

I haven't seen my current T with her family but I know about them and have seen their photos on Facebook. It's very triggering. Also, if you read about my session 2 weeks ago, just hearing my T say those words "profession", "client", and "we can't be friends" put me into a state of devastation.

So, I can relate and identify with your pain. I'm sorry. We just have to accept that our Ts care a lot about us even though they have families.

[nannypat]

I think after having been in therapy for over 20+ years, I am pretty realistic about the place my T's relationships fit in my life or me in theirs. I would still like to see them more often sometimes for more help with issues at times, but don't really imagine being in their personal life, nor them in mine. They know a lot about mine and have shared much about theirs, have shown me pictures from their vacations, etc. which I really like, because it is hard for me when they go away. I know we can never be friends, but we will never be strangers either. I am 60 now and don't believe I will be ending therapy or med treatment anytime soon. My pdoc/T is the same age and he says we will be together for a long time to come so I don't even think about "after". I guess we will grow old together. I am ok with that.

My cognitive therapist is a bit younger, but has been in it for the long term so far. If she chose not to be, we would always keep in touch. She is just that way. I don't think we would ever fully terminate. We would check in once a month or so.

This isn't to say I have everything in my personal life to fill my needs.Far from it. I am often very lonely and isolated.

Maybe it come from old age.lol

dizgirl, I'm so sorry that you had to see that, especially at a time when you were feeling so vulnerable and needed T. In brief- YES. I've never had to see T with her child, but I grapple with the fact that she exists daily. I'm so very sorry you're hurting, and that things are going so badly with T. I read your other thread and felt totally horrified on your behalf. I really admire you. You seem so self-aware and you handle yourself and your vulnerabilities with so much maturity (far more than I ever manage, despite being older than you). I really wish you so many good things, and the therapy experience that you need to heal.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

Hey guys,

I am going through a bit of a tough time with my T. many of you replied to my last topic but i had it removed as I dont want my T idenifying me but if any of you want an update feel free to PM me.

After a difficult session yesterday which I waited a very long horrible week to get to, i didnt feel any better. For a few hours afterwards I wondered whether to contact my T or not and tell her how I felt because I just felt horrible and scared of another miserable week ahead.

As I sat there in my car, parked in town, my T passed me with her young child and it completely triggered me. It triggered the inner child part of me that longs for her to love me as her own, even though I know realistically that would never happen and I am very good at keeping the boundaries. It just really brought home how I was sitting needing reassurance and thinking about contacting her and she was away back to her normal life (which she has ever right to). I guess its left me feeling like just a job, insignificant, actually alone in my struggle etc.
I know these arent realistic feelings and I know the reality etc but it doesn't stop the feelings and with the combined bad session and that, I really feel bad

anyone else experience this?

Oh wow, I can COMPLETELY relate to this part. It's such an overwhelming emotion too; and knowing that you can't have more is just so hard. The thing that bothers me the most I think, is that the feelings, like you said, are not realistic and even though I know this in my head, the feeling continues to exist.

Oh I can relate and I understand how painful that is!! My 1st T had a young daughter and on occassion her daughter was brought to the office from daycare. If I was ever hanging around the office after therapy (like if I had an appt with someone else in the building) I would often see T with her little girl. Oh gosh it was SO triggering and so hard on me!! Its just so difficult. I'm so sorry that was triggering for you today.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey everyone!!



SoupDragon: Thanks for understanding, I am sorry you are feeling alone I have also wondered if it's all worth it sometimes!

Geez: Thanks for understanding! It must have been hard to see your T with her daughter

Rainbow8: I can totally understand how it must have hit your heart to see her run her hand through her grandson's hair, because even though its natural and you know shes affectionate with her family it can feel so heart stabbing to see something like that when you wish you were that person receiving the affection. Hearing yourself refered to as a client must have felt very hard.

Nannypat: Its so nice that you know that you will keep in touch with your pdoc and cog T, that must be reassuring

Improving: **hugs* I'm sorry you struggle with this too, thanks for your message

Beautiful.mess: It's good to know I'm not alone, thanks!

Sarahmichelle: It must have been so hard to see your therapist with her little child so often, thankfully you don't have to deal with that now

[Nightlight]

I bumped into mine once. She was with a couple of younger girls, teenagers, I think. I wasn't looking too closely!

I wasn't expecting to but afterwards I felt really negative and so sad. I wrote about how it made me feel and took it in to her the next week. I just went back to read over what I'd thought so I could remember what it was.

It brought up feelings of how sad I was that my relationship with her had given me so much and was so important to me but existed within 50 minutes a week.

That maybe no one would be there supporting me if it wasn't work for them...

My T did say some nice things to indicate that I wasn't entirely right and I can't really remember them now because it was a while ago...and I guess at the moment it's feeling still like a lot of what I thought was actually right.

It's tough!

Hang in there!!