The purpose of questions from t

So as to quit hijacking the thread on how to annoy your therapist, I thought I would start a new one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ECHOES
"There isn't a 'correct' answer. This is something my therapist and I have discussed so many times. The desire for there to be a correct answer is something about me and my need to not 'get it wrong'. So I've learned that abut myself and as a result I've learned to deal with the frustration that comes with it. Questions are simply tools to open paths to explore. Questions may seem or be vague, but it is not to put expectations on the response, it is to not influence the exploration."

So there is no difference between them asking what music are you listening to and how did you feel after the guy hurt you? I am not being flippant here, I am really curious. I can at least see the relevance behind the latter (whether I am able or willing to answer it or not does not affect the ability to see maybe how it would matter) and no reason at all for the former. If I know the reason for why the music I listen to matters, perhaps my response will be more on point for helping me fix the reasons I went to see a therapist. So when I say correctly, I do not mean so that I get an A from the therapist for being a great question answerer, but rather that I answer in a way that leads to me fixing what I need to fix.

A question doesn't always need a reply or a fix, sometimes its just a way of getting us to "come home" to the self.

Hi stopdog. My T is very aware of my need to get it right - for me I think it has to do with the shame I would feel in getting it wrong.

I have had all sorts of issues in my life, but one thing I was good at was academia and getting things right - this is what brought me recognition, got me noticed "seen" and made me feel like I existed. So to get something wrong would mean annihiliation.

I wonder what the consequences of getting it wrong would be for you in your work?

I still get stuck with getting it right, even though part of me is realising T is about a process, of being able to show all those vulnerable areas and realising it is OK - I have a long way to go and I constantly fall back into that place where I am terrified or where I use whatever strategies are available to me to avoid the risk of getting it wrong (on a good day getting T to laugh works in getting him off the trail, on a bad day dissociation).

I am trying to tell myself if the issue is fear of getting it wrong, then face the fear - I read alot of Pema Chordron's book and she says the same thing will keep visiting us until we learn what we need to know from it. And maybe she is right. Learn from the difficult bits, then we gain some freedom.

Thanks Earthmamma. I understand a question does not need a fix (I am not certain how a question would need a fix, unless it was to be fixed to be more on point or clearer) but I do think the question should have a discernible, pertinent purpose and I do think it requires a response, even if it is to get home to the self (which I admittedly do not understand, but perhaps if they would say "I am asking you this seemingly pointless question to help you figure out how to get home to yourself" it would make it clear for me). I am not there just to chat with them, so I do find the questions that seem to have no point frustrating.

As a further note, I hate guessing at what they mean or are looking for.

Soupdragon - thanks. Answering incorrectly, at its most extreme, when I practiced meant malpractice and disbarment. I actually was a mediocre student unless I found the subject interesting and even then I despised being tested.

But what I mean by correct is that I am trying to answer in the most direct fashion that will efficiently lead to me being able to fix the issues that caused me to try therapy in the first place. If I know the purpose of the question, then I can tailor my response to that purpose. I suppose that then leads to me doing it inefficiently which leads me to failing at therapy which leads me to them humiliating me for not knowing how to do it correctly.(rationally I do realize they do not care one way or the other).

Also I fear if the questions do not have a point, then the t really does not know what they are doing and therapy has no structure at all - it is an amorphous blob with no point. And I do realize for some, pointlessness is not a problem, but for me it is.

I personally think the best answer to a question would be an honest one.

If we continue on the vein of music, a person's taste in music can certainly help inform. Does it summarize an entire person? No, but rather a piece of information.

So why would a therapist need that information? I think because the good ones are there to help a person, not a set of symptoms. Although, initial symptom relief may be a priority in some cases.

The more information, the better the ability of the therapist to identify where the issues are, how they manifest, and how they can help us to change them.

There are many different ways to honestly answer any question. And perhaps I only want symptom relief which I would consider helping me in the way I want to be helped. Perhaps I would like it better if they prefaced pointless questions by saying "I am asking you this question so I can gather information on you for purposes which are yet unclear." I , of course, would refuse to answer, but at least I would know why they asked it. Or perhaps they could explain how getting to know me in general, through the use of questions to gather general information on me, would help them help me. My ambivalence and socratic inquiry continues.

My T has asked me questions about music or movies or my cat when she's trying to get a feel for where I'm at and I'm not talking. Chit chat, while it doesn't seem therapeutic, helps build rapport and can help break the ice when I'm stuck.

I very, very rarely feel like my T is manipulating me in a negative way. When I am severely depressed and paranoid I can. But other than that I trust her... at least as a therapist.

Tailoring your responses sounds like you're wanting to manipulate the system to protect yourself from shame. I can relate to that, I did it for months. But there's more to us than our intellect, and when we approach therapy solely from an intellectual standpoint then we are intentionally hiding the rest of our selves from T which is counterproductive and can seriously hinder our personal growth. I say this from my own experience.

Have you told T directly that you're trying to avoid being mocked? I wonder if there is anything T could say that would bring you comfort and allow you to begin to trust. Trust is a slow process and develops over time.

Stopdog,

I am having a hard time relating to your approach to therapy, of this needing to know the purpose of a question so you can either dismiss it as irrelevant to the purpose that you're in therapy, and/or you can answer it "correctly", or for its intended purpose.

What I'm struggling with is that insisting on this as your paradigm really defeats the purpose of therapy. I think there are two components to this. I know, first of all, that when I work with my clients (as a lawyer, with exclusively traumatized people, usually battered women), I rarely get a question in the 15 or so hours that I need to interview them, about why I asking this question. When I do, it is because they don't trust me or don't trust the motivations for asking the question. So I think that this really boils down to issues of trust with a therapist. Second, my clients don't have the legal training to be able to understand the varied purposes of why I'm asking certain questions and as I'm sure you recall from practicing law, some questions you need to ask as a prelude to asking questions, like a question tree. Sometimes you ask questions and fish around because you're trying to understand something about your client's experience, or determine whether road x or road z would be a better path for them. People who are trained in psychotherapy ask questions from a similar place, where you, as the person not trained in this area (and reading lots of books on therapy, just like people who think they know about law from reading books) doesn't count. It doesn't make sense for a therapist to try to explain the purpose, nor does it necessarily make sense for you to know.

If you want to direct your own therapy, then you should just talk about something. My therapist hardly ever asks me any questions because I talk, and he reacts. I like it that way. There's been progress that way.

But insisting that your therapist explain the purpose for each question or you asking for the purpose of each question just isn't, in my opinion, very useful.

Anne

This is why I was mostly an appellate lawyer - I was terrible with clients and gathering information I needed from them. The record on appeal was my friend. But when I did need to do so, I explained the various reasons for my questions, at least to some extent. I admire your ability to work with abused women. I tried it when I first got out of law school and after about 15 minutes realized how completely unsuited I was for that work.

I appreciate your viewpoint, but I very much believe it makes sense for a therapist to explain and for me to know. I do not know how that is not some of the most pertinent information available. Otherwise, for me, it seems very unsafe. Mine do ask me questions and I interview ones I see to make sure they do have some structure to the process and that they will ask because I do not know what I need to tell them to make therapy work. I just need to make sure the questions they are asking are leading to making work in some organized fashion and not that they are just out there fishing.

I agree that it's not useful for us to know the reason for all the questions.

But I want to add that even though this is how you're experiencing therapy right now, you are doing it right. Because you're doing it. It seems that right now for you the honest answer to T's questions is "Why do you want to know" and that communicates something to T.

I appreciate your viewpoint, but I very much believe it makes sense for a therapist to explain and for me to know. Otherwise, for me, it seems very unsafe.

Have you verbalized this to your T?

Is trying to make therapy an efficient, understandable process really so unreasonable?

I am not yet ready to give up believing it would be very useful for me to know the reasons for the questions. I believe if I knew the reason, I could understand therapy better, do it more efficiently, and know if it was helping or not.

I tell her weekly. Or I did until I got rid of her last week.

Then perhaps learning to tolerate the uncertainty and frustration are all part of it. A question doesn't always require a response, it can hang their for quite a while and just exist in the space between you. Perhaps this is more about anxiety then about a question?

Both of these questions are pointed and directive, to me.
The 1st question has a definitive answer.
The 2nd is pointless .. because the therapist should know the answer? Because you don't want to say the words? Because the answer seems obvious, so it need not be spoken? It can be any of those things and several of those things, as well as a welcoming invitation and opportunity to talk more about how the person felt, about the incident/relationship, about the guy, about what this experience means when thinking of being in a similar situation in the future (if applicable, but you get the idea).

Is the 2nd question the kind of question you are thinking of as being manipulative?

I think mine did expect a response because if I did not answer she would repeat the question.

The music question is an example of the type question I see as pointless and possibly manipulative. The second one I get the reason for and do not see as pointless or manipulative..

No harm in being curious and asking "Why?".

[QUOTE) I believe if I knew the reason, I could understand therapy better, do it more efficiently, and know if it was helping or not.[/QUOTE]
Another thing to be curious about. Why you have a need to figure it out ahead of time..fear (of the process, the outcome, vulnerability, intimacy, dependency), mistrust on some level, feeling not in control, etc.

[/QUOTE]

I do not think wanting to understand the process better, efficiency and the ability know if it is working is equal to needing to figure it out ahead of time. But perhaps after reflection I will agree it is. And I do have mistrust on almost all levels.

Thanks. I see what you mean now.
I see the music question as the same as any social relationship, and there is a quality of that in the therapy relationship. I see it as a way of demonstrating that the therapist is interested, a way to connect and strengthen the therapy relationship. Could it be manipulative to see how easily or freely you can answer a benign question. Maybe, but I don't think it would be done without forethought and it would be done to serve a purpose, for the therapist to know you better (music preference and otherwise) so he can make your therapy most helpful.

Even if I do not think a question like the music one is being manipulative (and that example is a stretch for manipulation - I will try to think of a better example of manipulation), I still think it is a waste of time and ultimately money.

A good therapeutic alliance and strong connection between T and client has been shown to be one of the most likely indicators of positive outcomes--whatever the type of therapy. I would imagine many questions which seem pointless or inefficient to you are an attempt to find and create places of connection. I also tend to believe that our reactions to questions and our affect when answering a question is at least as important as the content of the answers. And I mean that as most important to the T and to our own understanding of our self.

If a question feels inefficient to you then it is probably because somewhere inside you have an idea of what would feel like an efficient question. You have the power to ask the more subjectively efficient question of yourself and answer it. That's what I would try to do, at least what I would try to do when I'm being good about owning my own power to help myself heal. The added advantage is that your T will learn what types of questions feel worth answering to you. (Just as there are no universally right answers--just what's right for us, there are no universally right questions. As an example some really healing conversations have arisen when T has asked what I'm reading when I haven't been willing to talk about anything else. A book is so external that I can talk about it and then voila I'm talking and in the process learning something about me. But that's me. It wouldn't work for everyone.)

BTW, all that said, I think you can always ask why a T has asked any given question. That would be interesting information to have in the mix, too.

Doubtful Thanks. I admit I find the idea of therapeutic alliance to be suspect and dead flat dangerous if one is not careful. If I knew the efficient questions, I would not be going to a stranger. I do ask quite often when I think the questions are pointless and she usually replies that she is fishing.

I am frustrated at therapy not making sense to me and I think it is hopeless for me. I try expressing these thoughts in the hope (I fing hate hope) I can figure out how I am not an idiot for continuing try therapy only to fail at this. The idea of drinking the koolaid causes me to panic. I do appreciate everyone's input. I think I am just a failure at therapy - the increased amount of anxiety and frustration and not knowing what is happening with a stranger who I am paying is worse and more unsafe for me than the anxiety etc. without the stranger part in there.

You know Malcolm Gladwell's book about experts, the 10,000 hours of practice at a profession (which is approx the old journeyman's 7 years training) - would you stand over your plumber and ask her, why are you doing this? why are you doing that? Or do you trust them to do their job? DON'T ANSWER THAT! I am just saying that how can a T be expected to answer why they are asking a question, even if they wanted to; there are surely myriad reasons behind any given question, any statement they make, many of them unconscious. As a matter of fact and training, the more they can and interact "open-mindedly" (i forget the technical term), the better off the client is.

HOW you are supposed to answer T's questions for the most efficient results is with the first thing that comes into your head, uncensored, and it seems that is exactly what you are doing.

So, if you want to be efficient, look to the one in your life who was unable to take care of you or help you out, and just start telling T about that person or persons, because that is what this ruminating with T (and PC) represents, a problem with authority in some form, IMO, and in my experience - that was written on MY job performance reviews every time! Sigh...

There are of course a whole range of different approaches within talking therapies. A more structured approach is CBT which does follow a more logical sequence - the thing is I taught people CBT ( in a completely different field) - I know CBT standing on my head, blind folded with my fingers in my ears going la la la - BUT following a logical, rational sequence with beginnings and ends, with aims and objectives, while teaching me how to blag life, does nothing to change the deep bit of me inside and I don't want to carry on my life pretending.

However maybe you should apply a structured approach to your own difficulites for which you have sought therapy - step 1 is problem definition.

I tried that for myself but actually I have no idea what my problem is - I know I just feel blank and have no idea who I am. So I guess for me the start of this journey is trying different doors to see which ones feel a little scarey and by doing that I think I may gain greater insight into my problem, which I think will make all these mysteries solvable.

Take care stopdog - Soup