Wasn't going to post about this, but.....

Well, I was CRYING in my session yesterday (which almost never happens) ostensibly because my apartment pool is closing in a few days. I couldn't swim all weekend just because I felt bad. I told T it wasn't like other recent summers, when I didn't swim enough. This summer I did swim a lot, and STILL the pool is "going away" - why is it leaving me? It's not fair! I loved, I hugged it, I kissed it, how could it leave me? I can't believe -I- am saying these things! I was too sad to swim. But I think I will go swim now, I felt better after I saw him, the session felt really long, he said we covered a lot of ground, and I did not hurt myself over the weekend, ie did not overspend or overeat. For what it's worth.
Good luck today.

Hi Rainbow,

I hope your session goes well.

If something is on the internet then I personally think it is open to the public, as long as you're not hacking into someone elses account to get information or see photos, which it doesn't sound like you are.

I have 2 pictures of my T which I found online a long time ago. I don't tend to look at them too often. The reason I wanted a picture was so that I wouldn't forget her when I no longer see her anymore. I don't feel guilty at all for having them because the pictures were available to the public and I don't intend doing anything with them that would harm her or anyone else.

These days anyone can put a picture of us online, a friend, family member etc. If your T was concerned about her privacy or clients seeing pictures I think she should say to her children at least "please don't put up any family pictures on your public profiles etc".

all the best x

I have a difficult time seeing this issue as centering around some kind of moral compass. I don't necessarily see where my belief (or others who said similar things) that rainbow doesn't need to feel bad about what she's done is leading towards some kind of moral struggle.

There's a big payoff for rainbow in posting about her "violation" of T's boundaries, though. Over 50 responses and well over 1000 views that feed her (admitted, I'm not diagnosing her) obsession with her T and the boundaries of her relationship. My point in suggesting to her that this isn't something she has to feel bad about (and therefore not obsess over) is that if she lets go of being a "bad girl" for "violating" her T's boundaries, then maybe she can move away from turning everything into an issue about her and her T's relationship.

Anne

Of course you were going to post this, it's part of your pattern

Don't give her any ideas

Hope it goes well Rainbow and I hope you tell her everything.

I'm back from my session. I still have to cope with my relationship with my T and my hurt feelings. It was productive, though. I told her what I did and she wasn't angry. She wanted to know how I felt before I did it--basically why I felt that need to find out more about her. Then we talked about what I could do instead, like email her first, go on this forum for support, or get off the computer. The last was her idea.

I asked if she could bring photos of her family. She did better. She showed me a couple from her cell phone--even one of her cat, but she didn't have one of her dog. I was glad she showed me.

She said she didn't like me looking them up and I said I wanted her to trust me and I didn't want to do it again for that reason. I knew she wouldn't like it. She said she was being honest in telling me she didn't like it. She also said she doesn't want to tell me more about her family. I'm not sure how she worded it, probably that what good would it do for me to talk about herself in my session? I didn't like hearing that because she said she'll answer questions, then said she didn't want to talk about them. I don't think she said that because she's so private, but because it's her job to help me, not talk about herself. I think I see the difference, but it still hurt me. I told her but what can I do, I said. That's how therapy is.

She said I want to keep moving the boundaries. She's flexible with clients so that's why she is the way she is, but if it's not good for someone, then she'll be more strict. I feel like crying.

She thinks the part who wants to know more and doesn't want to be left out is a young part so we could do IFS with her another time. We talked about not wanting to feel that people are different from me. It makes me angry and jealous, and I question my choices.

I brought my library copy of In Session with me. She never read it so I let her borrow it. I like that she's willing to learn from me. She said she learned not to talk to the next client in the waiting room from my telling her it upset me. She hadn't thought of that. I guess they don't teach that to social workers. I think In Session will be helpful for her to see how women think about their Ts.

I asked for a hug before I left and we did. It felt good this time. No hand holding at this session.

hankster, I love swimming too! What about an indoor pool, though it's not the same. Or is this about something deeper, excuse the pun?

dizgirl, my T wasn't angry but she was honest and said she didn't like my doing it. She doesn't go on Facebook much, so I'm not sure she even knows what her kids have on there! It's more about the harm it does to me, though. Even knowing she doesn't like it hurts me, so I'm better off trying to control my urges for both of our sakes.

Anne, my therapy usually consists of doing IFS which gets me to my child parts, in spite of what I post here. Last week's session was mostly about the child wanting love. I don't turn everything into being about my relationship with my T. Stuff I talk about my family isn't about her either. I just don't post about those things because this isn't the forum for that.

I DO think about my T a lot and like to post here about her. Maybe I should only post in the subforum?

Flooded, I never thought of that but I told my T that one reason for liking to search things about her is the "high" I get. I get that here too. But at least here I don't have to pay, and you guys are REAL as opposed to my T. If that's my pattern, I think it's better here.

I'm sorry I'm a pest here.

nope. you are not a pest, rainbow. so glad so read about your session. sounds like it went well. It's cool she showed you those pictures. that's neat. also cool that you shared the book with her. Wonder what she'll think of it.

lots o'hugs for you. from what I can see, you continue to do good work in your therapy.

r8, yes to both questions! and do read wepow's middlebury posting, there is something in it about repetition compulsion which may ring a bell with your pattern. it certainly said something to me (unfortunately!). ugh.

Nobody is calling you a pest, and you can post about whatever you want, whenever you want to post it.

I was merely making an observation, which of course may be completely off the mark. I have no investment in what you post or what you do your therapy about.

Anne

((((((((( rainbow )))))))))

Though other posters have already explained why this is, I think you're excrutiatingly hard on yourself, rainbow. Although I stay a bit more reserved on these boards, I've read many of your posts and think you're kind of darling.

Criticism of your actions/curiousity is misplaced, I believe, since the desire to feel connected to someone who holds personal significance for you is an inextricable part of human relationships. The boundaries in a therapeutic relationship are incredibly unique, unnatural and even counterintuitive given the unilateral intimacy involved.

I believe that most taking a high moral ground on the subject (read: are sanctimonious) are simply more detached from their therapists.

Rainbow I am a social worker by profession, as far teaching us about talking to patients in the waiting room, that is not an issue for all clients. Personally as a client I could care less if my social worker therapist spoke to her next client in her waiting room but I am glad your therapist heard you regarding your feelings around it