[mixedup_emotions]

I know it's been quite a while since I've posted.....I have just been down and out for a while, suffering with some health issues.

I have been spiraling the last few days....and I really don't know exactly why. I mean, urges to SI....SUI urges....and feeling just so out of control and crazy.....especially at night as I am trying to fall asleep. Ugh.

There's only a few things that I imagine could be contributing to this...

1. I am getting overwhelmed by one of my best friends who has borderline tendencies...to the point of feeling stalked because she wants my every waking moment to be spent supportIing her. *sigh* Then, the other day, I 'talked back to her' because she was insulting intelligence - and then she called me an idiot. It was not pretty. I defended myself, and she ultimately apologized and felt badly about it. But, it really hit me hard and deep....I told her how hurt I felt, and how I felt bullied, etc. and that our friendship cannot survive like this.

I NEED TO BE ABLE TO FOCUS ON MY LIFE....and not have to spend every minute with her, or figuring out ways to say NO to her....

2. In group T, there was a moment when one of T's other clients felt upset towards my T, that she was letting him down. I was so filled with envy and anger....I hate seeing any kind of closeness with MY T and his other clients. Now, I'm sure T would want me to talk about this with him. But I find it SO unfair for me to have to deal with this on top of working through my own issues. It's very common for clients not to want to know their T's other clients, right? So, with me having T in group and having him as my individual T, it just adds another layer of issues for me that I just don't need. After group T the other night, I was spiraling out of control....and I wanted to NEVER EVER see T again. *sigh* So, I am considering dropping out of group T for a while until I get myself stable.

3. My life is out of control. My short term disability is almost up...and that means I will be going back to work - even though I still feel awful. And when I get back to work, it is likely that I will be faced with either being let go (which would be devastating financially) or having to be thrown back into that abusive environment. I literally feel SICK at the idea of going back to that place, but even more sick about the idea of losing my job. ACK.

I see T today...and I hope I find a way to address at least the first two things with him.....I find myself shutting down so much that I barely get through anything....

((( HUGS to all my PC friends who I've missed so dearly )))

[Sannah]

Hi MUE, yeah, your friend sounds really dysfunctional for you. I agree that your group therapy sounds like more trouble then help at this point. Can you get an extension for disability? I do hope that you are able to talk to your T about these issues today.

[shezbut]

Gentle hugs sent your way (((((mue)))))

Shez

[sittingatwatersedge]

hi MUE