[vanessaG]

5th session with therapist today. Still dancing round subjects. theres so much i want to and need to talk about but i have high defensive things up. I dont know why he just cant break them down? Im too scared to say 'hey, this is what we should talk about'

I feel like our sessions are pointless, like im having lunch with a friend, just recapping what happend recently. ugh so frustrataing. I think he notices, cause he said, your always so giddy, and laughing. Cant he recgonize that its a standoff approach and i dont know, i mean i know hes not a miracle worker or anything. just frustrating, i need to find a good new therapist and i dont know how to find that and start all over.

Sucks because i really need a good therapist right about now. I havent cried or even felt like close to crying or any emotion for that matter in our 5 sessions. Its all 'weather' talk and oh whats been going on the past couple days. FML

Ya know whats weird, after our session, ill cry in the car and that day usually out of sheer frustration of why we cant do the therapy i need. I dont need to be paying a lot of money for small talk.

[ECHOES]

Talk about this with your T. Gosh, it took me months to be able to trust enough to say much of anything at all in therapy.

It sounds like your sessions are not at all pointless. He is getting to know you. I'm sure he recognizes that giddiness and laughing are ways we show fear of going deeper, a kind of a resistance. I'll bet he realizes that you are in the process of building trust and he is patient and is letting this process unfold at the pace that seems to feel right for you.

I hope you will take your post to your next session and talk about all of it with your T. It's all very important and I think you will feel much better after you and T talk about these things.

Right now fear keeps you from being able to say "This is what I want to talk about" but in time, as you build trust, you will be able to say this, to talk about what you want to talk about, to change the subject in the middle of the session. You are investing your time in trust-building and that is the foundation of good therapy - keep going...

I agree with all that ECHOES said, and this is a big problem for me too. I've had the tears start before I'm even out of the waiting room after a session. So frustrating - why can't I do this IN session where T will see it and it will be of value????? And I'm still having trouble getting things out after 7 months! But I have managed to get some stuff out and it's been SOOOO worth it.

Try thinking about what you expect a T to do to get you to open up. If he's a good T, he knows exactly what you are doing - defenses are up - he just doesn't know what you're holding back - yet. I'm sure T's have learned that with some people they can't simply ask them, "What are you holding back?" or they'll get a flat denial - "Nothing!!!!" They know that you will bring up things when you're ready. The fact that you cry in the car shows that the emotions are there, just a little late Like ECHOES said, give it some time and be patient. 5 sessions in is still really early in the process. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[vanessaG]

Yes, i guess i should perhaps give it more time. But i wonder, how do i know hes a good T and realizes that those are just my defense tactics? And if he realizes they are, which i kinda think he does because hes told me several times i think your laughing/ giddyness is you being very anxious.... But wouldnt he try just a little bit to bring some of my defenses down?? Maybe hes trying to build trust, idk. I almost called him last night to leave a mssg cause im having such a depressive episode so bad right now, theres no possible way i would be able to hold the tears back n maybe that would open something up....

I didnt call tho. Im just so eager to start tackling these issues i wish he would try n get me to open up cause i cant do it myself

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by vanessaG

I dont know why he just cant break them down?

"Breaking down defenses" sounds so intrusive and even violent, in a way. I think it is a sign your T is a good therapist that he is not using such an approach.

Originally Posted by vanessaG

how do i know hes a good T

Nothing you've written makes me think he isn't a good T.

Originally Posted by vanessaG

i wish he would try n get me to open up cause i cant do it myself

Can you tell him this? He can't help you if you don't tell him what you need. How about saying, "I'm having a hard time opening up, can you help me with that?" My T expects me to be the one to determine what topics we discuss in therapy but there have been times when it was too hard and I simply said to him, "I need help with this," and he was either able to be more directive and help me say what I wanted to, or he was able to reassure me that I would bring this topic up when I was ready, and he would be very patient and wait for me.

Vanessa, I don't think you should leave this therapist yet as I suspect you might have the same issue with another therapist too. And then there you are again, right back at the drawing board.

Hang in there, and try to tell your therapist how hard it is to talk to him about what you want to.

[pbutton]

I think one of the best things I've done in therapy was tell T that I was having a LOT of trouble getting started talking to him. It felt like a totally stupid conversation at first but it got me talking and it also really showed me that if I let him in, even just a little, that he was incredibly capable of helping me manage things.

If I can give him just even a small indication of what's going on in my head, he can jump in and help me get going using all of his fancy T tricks. I do need to show him the direction that I want to head in so that he can help me. Easier said than done of course.

Originally Posted by sunrise

"Breaking down defenses" sounds so intrusive and even violent, in a way. I think it is a sign your T is a good therapist that he is not using such an approach.

I completely agree. I prefer to refer to them as my "fences" rather than my defenses, not being so into the Freudian thing, but your fences are what have been keeping you safe (be grateful for them).

Why not print off your post and just hand it to him?

The problem with taking those fences down is that it works much better if the client takes them down deliberately and to only the place where she feels comfortable, and then your T can help you build them back up again. I think clients and even inexperienced T's think that it's some kind of progress to just knock those fences over and then revel in how open you are. But those fences have been around for a long time, and you will probably need them back for awhile to be able to exist in your daily life of work, family, etc, without being triggered and/or anxious and/or whatever it is you feel when you allow yourself to deal with what is really troubling you.

Are you an impatient person by nature? If so, it may help you to practice some mindfulness around your feelings. But, honestly, I think that the best way for you to proceed is to either tell or have your T read what you're feeling now.

Anne

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

I completely agree. I prefer to refer to them as my "fences" rather than my defenses, not being so into the Freudian thing, but your fences are what have been keeping you safe (be grateful for them).

Why not print off your post and just hand it to him?

The problem with taking those fences down is that it works much better if the client takes them down deliberately and to only the place where she feels comfortable, and then your T can help you build them back up again. I think clients and even inexperienced T's think that it's some kind of progress to just knock those fences over and then revel in how open you are. But those fences have been around for a long time, and you will probably need them back for awhile to be able to exist in your daily life of work, family, etc, without being triggered and/or anxious and/or whatever it is you feel when you allow yourself to deal with what is really troubling you.

Are you an impatient person by nature? If so, it may help you to practice some mindfulness around your feelings. But, honestly, I think that the best way for you to proceed is to either tell or have your T read what you're feeling now.

Anne

this was so incredibly helpful to me. My former T was very intrusive, and InISTENT and really overbearing in dealing with my fences...and reading this took my anxiety level about seeing a new T down to a much more manageable level. Thanks for posting this.!

[vanessaG]

Wow thanks guys so much. You have helped me see this in a whole diff way. I think printing it and giving it to him would def be the most effective, but idk if i can actually do that! Im scared hes gonna read oh i need to find a new therapist and wat hell think!

I did just call for maybe a emerg session. Im sooooo depressed its so bad i just actually wanna go to the hosp n get knocked out. But the mssg i left him, i think hes gonna be like wtf cuz i was crying the whole mssg n crackly voice n hes only seen me happy.

Im not gonna p/u when he calls, i wanna see what mssg he leaves. I hope its not some bs like call suicide line or crap like that. We'll see i guess.

[vanessaG]

Imo, now would be perfect time to have session cuz im so depressed i dnt evwn have walls up cuz i just dont care. Then he can finally see the 'real me'

[ECHOES]

But wouldn't he try just a little bit to bring some of my defenses down

You are giving him power that he doesn't have. Therapists can't read minds or make our defensive behaviors change/go away on their own. He is a good T when he listens and accepts you as you are. When he gives you time to get comfortable.

Are you talking to him directly about the things you are posting about?

[vanessaG]

No. What i post about here ( my true honest feelings) is not what he sees whatsoever.

He sees that 'happy girl' always giggly, smile on my face and played off my problems as small annoyences.

He called me back 1 time, then hung up called right back and lm about appt tomm at 3 pm or fri am. I called back n left mssg crying (again) i cant make those times as i have to drop/pick up kids from school.

I guess ill have to tough it out. I asked him to call if he has a cxxllation. Well now he def knows craps not all sunshine like i been playin off thats 4 sure. I sound like a mess big time on my mssgs.

[ECHOES]

He sees that 'happy girl' always giggly, smile on my face and played off my problems as small annoyences.

Why? You are so good with words here, why not use the to truly convey what is going on? Can you talk to him .. about.. talking to him?

I did that with my T. We spent a lot of sessions here and there talking about how hard it is to talk about things and those talks helped improve the trust and comfort level, so I could talk seriously with her, which is what I wanted to do.

[vanessaG]

Ya i think whether i like it or not were gonna bave a talk. Hes already heard 1st hand what a mess i am right now so im sure hes gonna adress that or i guess ill have to.

Idk, its hard for me to open up to him. I feel he thinks of me not as messed up as i really am! Hes like you need to go back to work, or go back to school.... Im thinking i can barely get outta bed and brush my teeth some days n others i can conquer the world! I need to be consistent to work.
His anwser to my depressed episodes: fight it. Fight to get outta bed, fight to do things for your kids. Im like im trying!!!!! Its not that friggen easy!

So i guess i give him wat i think he wants to see. I do that with everyone tho.... I have to open up to him.....maybe it was good i called in the state im i ...so he can see.
I wish he coulda fit me in tho.... That kinda sucks esp him knowing how upset i am now.

[DelusionsDaily]

Vanessa...5 sessions is really barely getting started. I think the people here have made some good points. One thing is he may know your giddiness is a defence mechanism but he does not know what is underneath. I kind of look at therapy as a roadtrip with a friend...you are the driver and the other person is giving you the directions. the person giving the directions cant do so unless you give them the destination. Its the same in therapy: YOU are the driver he's only there to guide your way.

As a fellow sufferer of depression and having been where you are talking about you are right it is not that easy and sometimes we need help fighting that fight. My guess from your posts is that he has no idea how BAD the depression is. Although maybe some idea after the phone calls. As nerve racking as it is you need to find a way to tell him, printing the post here and letting him read it is probably going to be least difficult. If you need to talk feel free to PM me anytime. I get the depression thing I really do.

[vanessaG]

He called back again and left msdg ( i cant anwser phone!) and offered me 10 am which works perfect 4 me.

I have a feeling were just gonna talk about how i feel when im depressed. Like symptom wise. Dont know if thats good or not.
But i am embarrased for him to see me broken down like this... I almost always have a mask on that no one has been able to tell yet...

Im toying with the idea of printing this n giving it to him... Its probably best but omg im soooooooo scared. Maybe i can just toss it on couch on my way out n run to my car... Lol that is spmething i wud do too.

Im scared i open up to him about how really really f'd up im inside n hes gonna be like this is too much for me....i think his main thing is depression not bipolar and ive had my doubts about bipolar or depression n he says he thinks its depression. Gahhhh now im def have to take 1/2 klonopin cuz om already so anxious n scared for tomm.

Tryin not to cry 4 a while so im at barnes n noble reading an unquiet mind and bipolar disorder. :/

I can picture it now: me come in sit on saggy black couch. Him sit acrosd from me staring at me asks whats goin on?! With a smirk kinda.
Me: i dont know! With a big fake smile n laugh.

Wow. Maybe i am gonna have to print this n take iy to him :/

[pbutton]

I think if you did print this & take it in that it would really be helpful to your therapy. Good luck.