tonight i see my T for the third time this week. he wants me to talk out the reasons for my inner anger. so, last session, i told the T about my childhood. at some points, he was livid. i could see it in his face. i just kept on talking.

the T is/was confident that by talking about it will help release this anger. but, from the look on the T's face, i am concerned. the damage from my childhood is very extensive. i fear that the T will not be able to help me. (all other therapists have failed.) tonight, i will keep talking. i fear that i am beyond repair.

No one is beyond repair, Did you ask your T what his facial expressions meant? How we perceive peoples gestures , facial expressions etc. is not always accurate. Especially if we are in an emotional place. Maybe you can talk about his reaction and how it made you feel? That is the only way you will truly know what " the look on T's face " truly meant. Wishing you all the best and sending warm fuzzies your way. Remember no one is so broken that they can't be fixed, for some that process just requires a little more work.

well, apart from the other things I told the T, it was when i mentioned that i was taught by my mother that she did not believe in hugging her children, that hugging/touching was unnecessary and that, while other parents believed in hugging their children, they were wrong and that she would not hug me. i was a little kid and i believed this because i did not know better. so, as a child, and still today, i did not like to be touched. touch scares and startles me; doctor appointments have been difficult as my physicians have never had a patient who tenses up and sometimes nearly jumps off the table at being touched.

as a child, i believed everything i was told, that touch (and even friends) was not necessary and wrong. i never learned emotional and physical warmth. my mother was also emotionally cold. as a child, i clung to every word mom said while my dad neglected me. i did what i was told and it became engrained in my personality. i still have very mixed emotions about being touched. to this day, i do not date. the T asks why i shovel abusive treatment under the carpet rather than deal with or confront it. i don't know what else to do is my response.

even worse, people don't like me. not even mom. her sick parenting has ruined me. i don't smile much and do not bond with others or with groups. i have had trouble keeping a job and am always unhappy. i have had so many social failures that i am afraid to go out to meet people. what does it matter, i don't enjoy or understand it much anyway?

one T, when i told my story, asked me how i was still alive. he asked if i used drugs or alcohol or was a sex addict. when i told him "no" he advised that i was the best adjusted adult who had been abused as a child who he had ever met. he then said he could not help me. my current T is trying. tonight i will ask the T again, you can help me, right? usually, his reply is evasive and along the lines of "i think i can help you a little." the T believes i have been suffering from PTSD since childhood and was not aware of it. he hopes that talking about things will relieve my mind so that the anger will lessen and go away. i have my doubts but feel that i have no choice but to continue therapy.

[lynn P.]

Thank you for sharing unhappyguy. As a mother myself I feel sad for you when I read your post. Everyone needs love and physical affection - even my dog Bella enjoys getting hugs/kisses and being praised.... I can see the contentment on her face. Your mother must have been a mentally ill woman and I wonder where she learned to parent this way? Children are molded and believe their parents unless the parent teaches a child to have an independent mind.

I hope and feel confident you can be helped. Its normal when a person recalls bad memories for some intense feelings to surface. Best of luck with the healing journey ahead.

[mcl6136]

I think that the knowledge that you have arrived in order to treat your inner anger is ....

HUGE!

You are on the path and now....keep walking!

[Sannah]

guy, you are not beyond repair. I look at these issues as child development that didn't go well but which can be corrected as an adult. Yes, releasing this anger in therapy will release it. Learning how the past affected you today and healing those parts and continuing with your development will work. Keep us posted?

had an interesting T session today. i started with an update since my last session and thought we would continue discussing my past - particularly my parental relationships. instead, we reviewed all of my past therapists, their modalities and what their treatments consisted of. i guess this is imporant for my T to know since he does not want to repeat what has not worked previously. unlike my last session where the T seemed worried, this time he was very much interested and asked a lot of questions. it will be continued next session.

[unaluna]

Well that sounds hopeful at least. I do tell my T when he is doing something previous T's have done that are stupid shrink tricks. If you are hopeless then I am hopeless, and I am optimistic, but that may just be a brain lesion, I can't explain it any other way. This T sounds like he got a consult on your case, which is great.

Wishing you good luck with this T. Sounds like he's taking the right approach, and that's so important. I hope this one works out for you because it sounds like you're ready to make progress. Please share how it goes if you feel like it.

[Beholden]

Guy, Like I've often said, Keep on Keeping On! Glad to read that your T session was a good one. Hope!!!!!