[vaffla]

We terminated three months ago, after ten years together, as she was retiring and moving away. I was very very much attached to her. We had a very thorough termination process, in which a lot of emotions have been stirred up, but we worked through them. The final session was very powerful and meaningful to me, as T shared some of her feelings regarding how I had impacted her and how special I was to her.
We had an agreement that we won't be in contact for three months, so to give me time to connect to my new T, and that after that I can email her and she will email me back.
Three months have passed in the beginning of August. I sent her a jolly email that said this:

Do you miss me? ;-)
I know that you do... I can feel it (it's called projection, I know ;-)).
It's been three months, believe it or not. A ton of things happened. I am not sure if I can even capture it all in a mail (nor am I sure that you want to know all of it ;-)).
I'm sure you've been through a lot, too. How is your new life? Do you like it over there? When are you moving back here? (kidding, kidding. It was worth a try though).
Please tell me whatever you feel comfortable telling me!
I missed you a lot, but have not been devastated.
I can't write much now, but I will do so when I have more time in my hands (soon). Is it okay to write to you now? (just in case you're wondering: yes, I am still seeing new T; yes, we have a very good connection; yes, she knows I am going to write to you).

Waiting to hear from you whenever you can (no pressure, it's okay if takes you two weeks ;-)),

Take care,
Vaffla

I sent it on Monday and didn't hear back from her . I know I said it can take her up to two weeks, but I honestly expected a response sooner than that (shouldn't have written it then, I know).
Today I remembered I needed a tax id number from her and some receipts for the past year, in order to get refunded by my insurance company. I emailed her again and said I wasn't sure if she got my email from Monday, but that regardless of that, I needed the information from her.
She responded back right away, and here is her response:

Hi Vaffla,
I do not have a tax id number, I use my social security number. I no longer put that on forms to clients because of security reasons. I normally ask for a request from the insurance company, but in this case if you want to send me all the information I need, I will send it directly to the insurance company.

The receipt is a little more complicated. All of my records are still in storage and a little difficult to access. If, however, you have all the dates for all those years, you could email those to me along with all of the information you want on the receipt, and I can get it back to you much more quickly and easily.

I did receive your first email. I am glad you and new T have connected. Everything is going well here but it is taking a while to really get settled in. As you know there are many details to take care of as well as just the process of creating a comfortable home. It all takes time.

take care,
Old T

I felt very disappointed to receive that response. What I got from it is that she got my email from Monday and just decided not to respond to it. If it wasn't for me needing something concrete from her, she wouldn't have responded, despite knowing how important it was for me to hear back from her. She didn't ask me anything about myself, nor did she volunteer any information about herself.
To me, that response felt like her closing the door on our relationship .
Also, the part where she doesn't want to give me her SSN hurt my feelings. On one hand, I understand it, but on the other, we have known each other for ten years. I would think she can trust me with that, but whatever.

I answered her back like this:

Well, if it's in storage then never mind now. I don't have the dates for all these years, so I will wait until it's not in storage any longer.
Once you have access to that information, please let me know, and I will forward you the form for the insurance company. I understand it can take a couple of months, perhaps even longer.
Good luck with settling in,
Vaffla

I hope that sounds as cold as her response sounded to me.
Thank god I have my new T to find comfort in. Her email sounded so cold and rejecting to me

[with or without you]

sorry about your situation, that must really sting. It sucks, but at the end of the day it really is a business relationship. The hurt will soften with time. Work on building your relationship with new T, that's all I can tell you.

btw, it took me almost 7 years to get over a T who I only saw for 8 months. I have been seeing my current T for 10 years, like you...I dread terminating. Does this mean it will take me 70 years to get over her? just some humor

[vaffla]

Thank you for responding to my message, I appreciate it .

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by vaffla

Never mind. I guess I am wrong or just plain boring :-P

no you're not, why did you remove what you posted? It's a valid observation. Communication with old T's is a tricky (but interesting) subject.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by vaffla

Never mind. I guess I am wrong or just plain boring :-P

You're not boring. I wish you hadn't removed your post. I read it and it must have been very painful to get such a 'cold' response. I feel for you.

[vaffla]

I thought maybe it was too detailed and overbearing and nobody really wanted to read it. Thanks for reading it and for the responses. I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that I was, after all, just another client, and now it's over

[vaffla]

Originally Posted by with or without you

no you're not, why did you remove what you posted? It's a valid observation. Communication with old T's is a tricky (but interesting) subject.

What is a valid observation? Did you feel too that her response was cold, or was it just me?

[Omers]

I am still connected with a former T who has retired. One, old T is going through a major life transition by retiring and then moving on top of that. Two, working out the new boundaries that work for everyone is "bumpy" process. I know that it is hard but give her some time.
Yes, the response feels cold but it could just be a reflection of her current emotional state and stress and have nothing to do with you.
After I connected with my new T I reached out to old T. We worked out the bumps of the new boundaries. She retired a few years later and went a VERY long time without returning my calls and emails. She had her stuff to work through. We are back to being very close again.

[Asiablue]

She sounded preoccupied and busy in her email. Maybe she read your 1st email and meant to get back to you when she had more time to respond, then got busy with her settling into her new home and then your 2nd email prompted her to quickly email you back because it was important paperwork?

I didn't think her email sounded cold, just maybe a bit stressed out. It is so hard to draw any accurate conclusions from emails. They are very one dimensional, and we know our t's aren't one dimensional. It presents as a bit of a paradox and we read things into that one dimensional email that really may not be there at all.

[crazycanbegood]

I agree with farmergirl. How were your previous email interactions with your T?

My T is very warm and expressive but whenever she replies to my emails, they are always short and oftentimes very wanting. I cannot fully get what she means and feels by the emails. I try not to read into her emails because when I have, we have had misunderstandings.

I think your T is stressed too and perhaps still figuring out how to navigate the post-therapy/post-retirement relationship. Give her at least another month and try again.

[KazzaX]

Also remember too that text is a very limited type of communication. You don't get to see the non-verbal communication things such as body language, facial expressions, etc. She could have had a bad day at the office that day, or anything like that, and its hard to tell from just text alone what the go is. Also too, I notice some people aren't all that good at putting things into writing such as emotions or thoughts etc, and i notice these people end up with a body of text that looks very abrupt and businesslike. It's not what they intend but to others, that's what it may look like. That is just a few "maybes" that came up when I read the response there.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by vaffla

We had an agreement that we won't be in contact for three months, so to give me time to connect to my new T, and that after that I can email her and she will email me back.

I thought there was a 2 year rule about interaction with a former therapist. Are you entering into a friend relationship or are you hoping to continue somehow the therapy relationship? I'm confused how it could work the contact you're hoping for?

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by vaffla

What is a valid observation? Did you feel too that her response was cold, or was it just me?

yes it sounded cold, however, it's very hard to judge someone's tone in writing. I read a lot of posts on here from various people who get upset with something T said in an e-mail or text...creates a lot of misunderstandings, you know what I mean?

[vaffla]

Yes, I know what you all mean, but I know her better than that, and while she was never warm in email interactions, there was something beyond that here.
We are not entering a friendship relationship. It has been discussed between us and we are never going to be friends. Nor are we continuing the therapeutic relationship. We are just going to keep in touch in terms of how I am doing and having a general idea of how she is doing. I guess, in retrospect, that my first email to her was too friendly and too warm for her liking. I was feeling like she was my friend, so I must have gotten confused . Knowing her, her cold response was probably her attempt to remind me that we are not friends. But it hurt .
Thank you all for the support. I do feel better now.

[crazycanbegood]

Originally Posted by skysblue

I thought there was a 2 year rule about interaction with a former therapist. Are you entering into a friend relationship or are you hoping to continue somehow the therapy relationship? I'm confused how it could work the contact you're hoping for?

I've only heard this rule on here from certain people. This rule must apply only in certain jurisdictions.

[cmac13]

Originally Posted by with or without you

sorry about your situation, that must really sting. It sucks, but at the end of the day it really is a business relationship. The hurt will soften with time. Work on building your relationship with new T, that's all I can tell you.

btw, it took me almost 7 years to get over a T who I only saw for 8 months. I have been seeing my current T for 10 years, like you...I dread terminating. Does this mean it will take me 70 years to get over her? just some humor

Oh boy I am in a heap of trouble! I have been seeing my therapist for 20 years this August 20th! I asked her what will happen when she retires (she is 67) will she ever let me talk with her again? She told me absolutely I could contact her. I have both her home number and cell number. She lives about 15 minutes from me. She told me she could never just "kick me to the curb" after all of this time together. She has always been true to her word so I am hoping she is true to it when she retires. She says she has no intention of retiring anytime soon...but you never know what can happen as she gets older. She is like a Mom to me & in so many ways has helped me to "grow up".

[ChristineEsq]

Ok, this may not be well-received by all, but I am sick to death of reading about (and once experiencing) therapists having all the social finesse of backwoods German homeschoolers as soon as they get in front of a keyboard. It's a risk management issue and, as many psychotherapy experts (e.g., Kottler, Zur, etc) have emphasized, it's one of those things therapists do to turn the ethical codes back on themselves and cause harm to their clients. Ethical codes are in place for our benefit, not for the therapist's. We should not have to pay for a therapist's zealous fear of liability issues, but it happens way too often.

And as far as the boundary issue goes, it's one thing to refrain from fostering a dual relationship with a former client, but quite another to pull that D.I.D. routine on you like that so that you end up feeling guilty or embarrassed for doing exactly what your T expressly encouraged you to do when she last saw you. By failing to respond as she assured you she would, she set you up to get hurt. Sometimes (if not oftentimes) we do that ourselves, but this is not an instance of that.

In my opinion, if therapists cannot communicate both orally and in writing in a way that is both responsible and therapeutic, then they should get another damn profession. Vaffa, I am very sorry that you have had to feel so disappointed through no fault of your own. I hope your new T will provide the comfort and reassurance you need to help soothe the sting.