[2or3things]

*******TRIGGER WARNING FOR MENTION OF SELF-INJURY*******

Hi. First, I haven’t really talked about this, or even read much about it, so I’m not 100% certain of the rules. I hope this post is OK. Anyway…

So, I’ve been in T for a little over 2.5 years now, and until a few weeks ago I spent all my time trying to hide from my T due to all sorts of fears I have—most especially fear of feelings, I’d say. In the past few weeks, though, things have started to shift a little. I’ve been trying harder to figure out my feelings and talk about them. T and I have been talking about our (hers and my) relationship as part of all of that, and that’s a huge source of anxiety for me. I’ve also talked about how hopeless I feel, and that I sometimes have sui thoughts (though I don’t think I’d ever really act on them). I also finally told her that I’m becoming increasingly attracted to the idea of cutting as a way to manage emotional pain…not that I’ve done it: I just can see how it seems really efficient and effective. (And yes, I know that doesn't make it OK.)

Whenever we’ve had those conversations, she’s said (among lots of other things) "I don't work that way..."meaning, I think, that she wouldn’t be willing to work with me if SI is something I do or try or, I guess, continue to toy with the idea of.

Anyway, these last 2 weeks or so have been really difficult, so much so that I ended up having an extra session last week. Then things ended sort of badly at this week's session, and she called a few hours later to say that she thought an extra session this week would be a good idea also. During that conversation, she also was talking a lot about what happened in the session (the thing that ended badly). The whole conversation felt pretty awful, and I just really needed her to stop talking about it, but she wouldn’t. (I mean, I kept wanting to say “Shut up. Shut up. Shut up,” but I knew it wouldn’t be polite. I don’t really remember, but I don’t think I actually even gave her any indication that I needed her to stop talking about it.)

So while she was talking, I started doing something painful to my arm (not cutting, but I assume I shouldn’t get into specifics) as a way to distract myself. I have super-sensitive skin that doesn’t heal easily, so it did a little damage and it looks a little bad, and it hurt for a few hours, but I’d say that it’s actually really minor. And now I mostly just feel really stupid and embarrassed for doing it. And I don’t think I’ll do it again.

So my question, if you’ve made it this far, is should I tell T? Like I said, it seems minor, I feel embarrassed, I know she won’t approve, and maybe she’ll even think I’m stupid for bringing it up. Honestly, I feel like a bit of a coward too…like if this is all I could manage, maybe she’ll just think I’m a dumb coward.

And on top of all that, I especially worry that she’ll drop me. But I don’t know if it’s so minor that it’s not worth mentioning or not.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

[beadlady29-old]

Hi 2 or 3 things.
ummmmmm, beads usually is for beign honest with T about lettign them know when we si and stuff. however, since you have already let your T know about your thinking about si, and since you have alredy had more then one uncomfortabel sessoin on the subject and u want T offa your back about a few of them in particular, mabe would not mentoin it to T. like, you said you did this right in front of T anyways? so surely she observed what you were douing ( their trained to dod so) and did not think it was serious enf of an inflictoin to stop you from doing it at the time. So beads would think it is not necessary to go their, unless you are thinking you want are need to.
beads also want ta let u know that you shared with us very bravely, and we appreceiate ur honesty, etc. thank you. please keep us posted how therapy are other stuff is going!

[2or3things]

Thanks for your reply, Beads. I really appreciate it...I'm sort of angsting about this, and I have T in about 2 hours.

Just to clarify, we were on the phone when I did it, so she doesn't know about it at all. I'm trying really hard to do the right thing and share what I should, but I think I take it as a good sign that I feel embarassed about having done it, so maybe I'll keep it to myself for now.

Thank you again.

[beadlady29-old]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

Thanks for your reply, Beads. I really appreciate it...I'm sort of angsting about this, and I have T in about 2 hours.

Just to clarify, we were on the phone when I did it, so she doesn't know about it at all. I'm trying really hard to do the right thing and share what I should, but I think I take it as a good sign that I feel embarassed about having done it, so maybe I'll keep it to myself for now.

Thank you again.

okay 20r3things. sorry far getting beads wires crossed. ummmmmm, iffen T knows nothing about this yet, then it mite be a good idea to tell her. cuz like T cant help iffen T dont know what is going on. i know this is a little late now, since u seed T already, but mabe iffen u did not talk about it then u could email are something iffen ufeel safe enuf 2.
hang in their,
mary sue & all of us beadies

[DelusionsDaily]

I have had issues with these very same things...personally I would tell her what you did and how you felt? That's been your goal right to talk about your feelings...

I think your T would be very proud of you for being honest. And help you find better way to cope with strong emotions and stress. i'm not a professional but if you ever need to talk I am here to listen.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

she’s said (among lots of other things) "I don't work that way..." meaning, I think

Anyway, these last 2 weeks or so have been really difficult, so much so that I ended up having an extra session last week. Then things ended sort of badly at this week's session, and she called a few hours later to say that she thought an extra session this week would be a good idea also.

During that conversation, she also was talking a lot about what happened in the session (the thing that ended badly). The whole conversation felt pretty awful, and I just really needed her to stop talking about it, but she wouldn’t. (I mean, I kept wanting to say “Shut up. Shut up. Shut up,” but I knew it wouldn’t be polite. I don’t really remember, but I don’t think I actually even gave her any indication that I needed her to stop talking about it.)

So while she was talking, I started doing something painful to my arm (not cutting, but I assume I shouldn’t get into specifics) as a way to distract myself. I have super-sensitive skin that doesn’t heal easily, so it did a little damage and it looks a little bad, and it hurt for a few hours, but I’d say that it’s actually really minor. And now I mostly just feel really stupid and embarrassed for doing it.

I think maybe you should print out this post of yours and let her read it. It sounds like you are creating a lot of stresses for yourself in therapy on top of the ones you already have with what you've already got! Not good.

Check out what she meant by "I don't work that way" and see where that would go/what would happen if you did such things? I know I went to therapy once, drunk, and my T was not pleased so I never did it again. It could be that you are "testing" your T's limits, trying to get a better understanding of how she does/does not work and it can be a lot easier if you talk instead of act out! My T was clear that she would not tolerate me coming to therapy drunk so I knew that was a no-no. It sounds like you are going to be going to your extra session this week with a marked arm? Bring it up right away and discuss your anxiety and wanting to tell her to stop talking, etc. Bring all that out in the open and I'm sure your T will be glad you did and supportive of talking about it.

T's can only talk with us, converse; they can't "do" anything and, likewise, what we "do" when we are not with them that takes away from the relationship, is "private" or in reaction to, etc. instead of talking is usually not a good idea. The more we can "use our words" (my son and daughter-in-law were always telling the grandchildren when they were young, "use your words!") the better off we will be with communicating with others and ensuring we get what we want from ourselves and them.

[beautiful.mess]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I have no advice, but wanted to let you know that I hear you and care. Lots of hugs being sent your way right now.

[2or3things]

Thanks, guys, for all of your replies. It feels really nice that people are willing to share their thoughts, and I appreciate it.

So, I went to my extra session yesterday. I'm not sure if I was feeling a little better about things, or if I was just trying to push her away (funny, not being able to tell the difference sometimes!), but I did end up telling her what I did. I prefaced it a LOT, including by saying "I did something really stupid, but I'm not sure if I should tell you. I'm afraid you'll kick me out." She actually started guessing, at first, what I might have done! But eventually I was able to come out with it.

In any case, I told her what I did, she asked a few questions about specifics (how I did it and what the physical result was). And then she sort of just let it drop without making a big deal about it.

I don't think I feel any better about it, or any worse either either. I'm not sure if I should take her lack of comments to mean that it wasn't a big deal (and I'm therefore stupid for mentioning it), or if she wasn't freaking because I was already having a rough time and she was trying to help me ratchet down my anxiety.

Anyway, I guess it's all OK. I'm sure I'll have myself worked up into some sort of frenzy by next week about what it all means. Still, for now at least I still have a T!

[Perna]

Sounds like you did okay, great!

I wouldn't try to second guess her or (since I'm now going to do that :-) she probably just wanted "information" and, because the information didn't make her worry, dropped it. It was a specific incident, based on a specific trigger, etc.; if you were doing this all the time and had a bunch of triggers happening seemingly constantly, that would be another story? It sounds like you just had a "nervous reaction" sort of and didn't know where to go with it and now she has the story of what happened; what it was in response to and will probably adjust what she says, relative to that.

[granite1]

if you are wanting to talk to T more about it i would bring it up and like perna said not second guess your T
as someone who uses SI as a way to cope with stress at times i know that some T will not focus on the act of SI much more than just the basics such as do you need medical attention etc..but will talk about what was surounding thi act .at least this is what some T have done with me in the past .this T i have now doesnt know that i do this.did you ask her what she meant by i dont work that way?

[2or3things]

Thanks, guys. You sure know how to make a girl feel better!

I'm just going to try not to freak out about it unless it happens again.