[skysblue]

I have nothing to bring to session tomorrow. A few months ago I had called T and told her the same thing and that maybe I should cancel. She replied that no, I must not cancel - going in 'blank' offers grand possibilities. And, on that session, she was right.

So, I'm curious what will happen this time. I vow not to fill the session with chitchat.

She gives me lots of 'space' and 'time' to talk. When I'm pondering something deeply I don't mind the quiet and silence. I am lost in thought. But when there's 'nothing', I tend to fill in that quiet space with random verbiage. I will resist doing this tomorrow.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Sblue I will go with you, if you'll go with me. I have a list but I don't like it.

I find that if I have nothing to say, or 'think' I don't have anything, I take posts from this forum and let her read what's going on. Yes, I do 'tweek' them a bit, but for the most part, she sees the 'real deal' about how my emotions have been.

This gives her an opportunity to work with me on what has really been bothering me. Sometimes when I do an assignment, it tends to be non-emotional. When she reads my posts.......well they pretty much tell it all.

Even the stuff about being mad at her! She tends to like those the most.......we usually start laughing at how silly I was. Though she doesn't see them as silly at all. She thinks they are things we really need to talk about. Why do we laugh? Because when I go back and see just how much I over-reacted about things, I cannot help but laugh at myself. Then, she starts laughing as well. Not AT me, but WITH me.

[rainbow8]

Do you think you could ever discuss your feelings about your childhood that you posted about or have you made a decision not to "go there" anymore?

[granite1]

good luck sky i bet you will come up with something important to talk about and if not that is ok also.chit chat isnt always bad either.

[Ygrec23]

It doesn't matter what you start talking about during a session, provided that you honestly and faithfully say what next comes into your mind, without pushing anything away. Because your mind WILL ALWAYS lead you to important things, so long as you don't repress them. You just have to honestly say whatever comes into your mind, however insulting it may be to T, however embarassing to you, however pointless or irrelevant it may seem to you. Believe me, your T has been highly trained not to take offense at anything you may possibly say.

Again, your mind knows what's bothering you, really. And it will put those thoughts into your head. Your sole responsibility is to faithfully repeat those things to T. And that's a tough job. A very tough job. Something you really have to be serious and disciplined about. You say to T whatever comes into your head completely regardless of how you think she will react or whether or not you yourself will be embarassed.

Once you make this into a habit then it will happen by itself. And you'll understand WHY it doesn't matter at all if you go to T with a blank mind. Take care!

[skysblue]

Actually, I'm feeling very content being 'blank'. And I don't feel I need to come up with anything. For once, I'll leave it in T's hands. She has told me that I have much more to work on and she knows me very well now, so it will be interesting what she pulls out of the hat tomorrow.

I just hope I stay 'blank' for the next 27 hours.

(If I were my T, I know what I'd bring up)

[Wren_]

I know a whole bunch of things I'd bring up if I were your T sky so I'm sure she has all kinds of ideas and that it has all kinds of grand possibilities for the directions you will take

[rainbow_rose]

good thoughts for your session tomorrow, skysblue.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

I know a whole bunch of things I'd bring up if I were your T sky so I'm sure she has all kinds of ideas and that it has all kinds of grand possibilities for the directions you will take

Hey, that sounds good. Wanna be my T?

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Do you think you could ever discuss your feelings about your childhood that you posted about or have you made a decision not to "go there" anymore?

Oh, we've done about as much with childhood as possible with someone like me who has little memory. I'm willing to go anywhere with my T now. I have already humiliated myself to the maximum so what worse could happen?

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by skysblue

(If I were my T, I know what I'd bring up)

Ooooooooo..

Well at least, there's a backup topic, if she doesn't hit on it first.

[skysblue]

So, T and I have a method. I go in, we say hello and then she sits there expectantly waiting for me to begin. I have always been so self-propelled that she has to do nothing to get me going.

But I want it to be different today. She has said she's interested in leading so I want to watch her lead. But she's tricky and I have to be alert to her tricks. So, this is how I envision the beginning of the session.

T: Hi
Me: Hi
It is here where she waits for me to begin

Me: I have brought nothing. I am 'blank'

T: Well, that's new. What's on your mind?
Me: Nothing in particular. (well, there are a few 'news' items but they're not particularly important therapeutically and can wait until end of session or next session)

T: Anything interesting going on?
Me: Nah - same-o; same-o (well, there's always something interesting - at least to me but, again, I don't want to waste the time on this stuff)

T: How's it going with "old issue #1"?
Me: Yeah, it's going o.k. Nothing to report. (see, we've already spent an enormous amount of time on issue #1 and there's no point doing endless repetition - especially since I've got it more or less under control)

T: How's it going with "old issue #2"?
Me. Yeah, the same. Everything's fine.

T: Anything bothering you at all?
Me: No, not that I can think of.

T: How are you feeling?
Me: Fine.

So, the key for me is to not get 'hooked' into going down any of those pathways. See, I could fill up hours talking about surface stuff even if that surface stuff could technically be called therapeutic stuff.

Okay, so far I haven't given T anything. But she knows me very well and tons and tons of stuff have come up the past few months. I honestly don't know what would be useful to address. I honestly am clueless and rudderless. This is where I need T to step in.

Now is when I'd like her to take me deeper or wider. I guess this is where I'd like her to find my 'triggers'. I want to dig in but I don't know how or where. If I let myself be diverted by what I call chit-chat, we'll be wasting another 50 minutes and another $80,00.

Now, I can hear some of you saying, "you're being very manipulative. just tell your T what you want." And my answer is this - "then we'd be spending all this time trying to figure out what I want when I'm not sure" AND, she has made comments more than once that she'd like to take the lead. I'd like to find out what that looks like.

I just hope I can resist the temptation to flap my lips during the first few minutes of session today.

[Wren_]

Hey, that sounds good. Wanna be my T?

If I was a T, I'd love having you as a client

[Wren_]

Sky, how about an even more basic approach ..... going in there saying you have nothing and there are no changes on the old issues (therefore saving you five minutes of getting to that stage) and can she lead? ..... of course, i guess you've had your session by now or are there now?

[SilentLucidity]

Skysblue - I think you and I are hoping for similar sessions. I emailed T after last session to say I was mad at myself for not telling her what I want. She basically replied, "So tell me what you want, what you really really want" but not in a Spice Girl manner. So I did. I said, "T take the lead. I want to talk about _____ but I don't know how. Challenge me on this and don't let me deflect using __________ coping mechanisms."

I hope your session goes well and you are able to stonewall T into invasive action.

T: How are you feeling?
Me: Fine

Made me giggle like a second grade girl. Maybe you should change your name from Skysblue to Slyblue?

I am loving what you are throwing down.

[skysblue]

So, what does one do after seeing a beautiful sunset? Do they sit quietly afterwards and absorb the wonderful experience or do they run off shouting to others how much the sunset touched them? And if they tried to describe the sunset, they might have some minimal success but if they tried to share how the sunset touched their inner being, they would have hardly any success at all. And might not the effort to capture and share that experience dilute it or diminish it in some way?

This is the dilemma I’m finding myself in at the moment. I want to let you know how my ‘well-thought out plan’ transpired. I want you to experience what I experienced. I want you to share in how moved I was.

But I know it’s impossible. It’s like studying the anatomy of birds’ wings but even with all the knowledge gained by that study, we still can’t explain why our hearts soar when the egret lifts off from the ground, its graceful movement a ballet in the sky. Or we can study how the concepts of physics propel the waves to shore, but even so, it will not give us any information how or why watching the surf at the beach is so soothing and compelling.

So, all I can do it give you some of the framework of what happened during this ‘blank’ session. And even if I were able to reproduce all the words that were exchanged between T and me, it could still not explain what happened. Hey, I can’t even understand it myself and I was there – a living witness and participant.

First of all, I was not able to begin ‘blank’. I had a wonderful experience just 15 minutes before session that had me stunned into a joyous place. My body was still reacting and there was no way I could contain my happiness and excitement.

So, I began session by telling T about my happy experience. It was good because it did touch upon one of my issues. I then tried to speed along but T wasn’t having any of it. She’s like a bloodhound that once it picks up a scent cannot be pulled off its hunt. When my T sees any ‘emotion’ in session, she will not let me move along quickly. She wants me to process it right then and there and she is great at helping me do that. So, the first 10 minutes was very good.

Then I told her I had come in empty. I had brought nothing. I was ‘blank’. My T laughed and said, ‘good’. She has the most inclusive, comforting, happy, engaging kind of laugh. I always feel very close to her when we’re laughing together.

The rest of the session gets a bit ‘fuzzy’ to me. Not that I don’t remember what we talked about but HOW she did what she did is the mystery. It was so organic, so easy, so natural, - it was a conversation that became its own vehicle somehow. I just can’t explain it.

There were no extreme emotions but a gentle and consistent ‘digging’ deeper. I wasn’t even noticing that it was happening. My T is an expert in gentle questioning, insightful guiding and sensitive prodding. There was no pain but rather an unfolding and an amazement (on my part) of what was coming forth.

Somehow, all was woven together seamlessly. Some of my recent concerns were expressed by me and her responses continued to lead me into uncharted territory.

She even teased me at one point and imitated a posture I take on when I begin analyzing. It was so funny. Yeah, it’s true that I cross my legs, put my left arm across my chest, bring my right hand up to my face in a pensive position. It was hilarious and it proved to me that she is highly attuned to my body language. She is more attuned to me than I am to me.

She tells me that I quickly move from ‘feeling’ my own body, emotions and quickly segue into grand philosophical statements or try to globalize my experience. She says, “I’m not interested in what anyone else does/experiences/ thinks. I’m only interested in Skysblue’s experience.”

Ending the session, she wrote down what she’d like me to ponder the next week. She wanted to be sure I didn’t forget. I have a tendency to forget what we talk about in session and she pointed out that those are the most important points.

While leaving, I said, “I feel like I’ve been in this room for a week”. What I meant is that the session seemed so long and involved and stretched out and I didn’t feel rushed at all. It was like having an extended vacation.

She responded by saying with a big smile on her face, “See what can happen when you come in with ‘nothing’”.

This session was like none other that I have experienced. My therapist DID take the lead but in a very unobtrusive way. I think why it worked the way it did is because I hadn’t come in with a specific agenda. These months past I’ve had some really tough stuff to deal with and our meetings have been focused on helping me cope.

Some of the big stuff is somewhat resolved and so I didn’t need to bring in specific topics. I know I have more subtle, less apparent issues to address but those seem more difficult to explore than the BIG stuff.

I mean, I didn’t know how to find the path that would bring me to those issues. T did. She knows me better than I know myself.

And so, going in relaxed and not dominating the conversation brought a great experience. T allowed me these first 9 months to talk about what I needed to talk about. Maybe that’s what some people call the ‘non-directive’ approach, I don’t know. I took the lead all those months because I knew where my pain lie and I needed pain relief.

But now my pain is just a constant generalized aching throb that I cannot identify its source. So, yesterday, by relaxing and letting my caregiver give me the healing touch (so to speak), I was able to ‘receive’. I was open. And she’s definitely not ‘non-directive’ now. She doesn’t push anything. She goes slow and let’s the process work but she absolutely knows what questions to ask and how to elicit from me the deepest parts of myself.

She will let there be silence when she sees I am deep in thought. She is very patient. But she would not allow silence for silence’s sake. She keeps the work moving along.

Now, there’s another part of this that I also cannot explain. There has been so much talk about how important the relationship between T and client is. This is what was key yesterday. There was a chemistry, a psychic touching, a deep place of acceptance and even, maybe, love that flowed between us in that small space in her office. I felt it . It was magical. I am in awe.

So, in conclusion, in the way too long report, my T and I have come to a new place in therapy. This is my belief. It took 9 months to get here and that’s okay. There was a lot of other stuff that needed its own kind of processing. But, now we’re getting closer to the heart of even those bigger issues and I am excited and beyond happy about this next stage in my therapy.

[unaluna]

Awesome, blossom!

[Perna]

Heck, it took me nine years to get where it sounds like you've gotten.

Sounds wonderful, congratulations!

[rainbow_rose]

it does feel magical, doesn't it? i'm so glad you had such an awesome session!

[Wren_]

Seems to me, you captured it very well ... I'm sitting here with this big smile on my face and feeling great joy reading about your session ... nodding my head along as I was going and enjoying the interplay that went on between you. Feeling that ahh yes, she is giving our sky what she needs

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by Perna

Heck, it took me nine years to get where it sounds like you've gotten.

Sounds wonderful, congratulations!

Well, I'm not sure I've really gotten anywhere. The therapy relationship is dynamic and always changing. Just last week I was trying to distance myself from T, hoping she would screw up so that I could like her less.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=200116

The motive then was to regain my detachment and not feel so dependent when she'll be gone a month in November. So, this latest session with her has seriously sabotaged that goal of distancing. And remember, that was only a week ago. Is there any way I can achieve some kind of emotional separation in the next 2 sessions before she leaves?