ambivalent about going back

I have to attend my session this week or come up with a pretty good excuse as to why I cannot b/c I am contracted for safety atm.

This is therapist number 14 in the past decade-ish. I have been under an incredible amount of despair and stress lately. Last week I snapped and it all came up...word vomit. All of the things I swore I would tell other therapists, had 13 opportunities to do so (well, if you count the actual sessions, more than hundreds!) and never did. I was relieved for hours, and then I became hysterical. Whom can she tell? What if she thinks less of me? Do I disgust her the way I disgust myself now?

The only thing I want to do now is run. Once I've been pushed so far over the edge, I allow myself to fall into the abyss instead of flying. I shut down. Blech.

I don't know what to say/suggest other than try and stick with it. Your T isn't there to judge you, and I don't think she can tell anyone what you tell her as she'll be bound by some kind of confidentiality agreement - maybe that's something you can ask her about.

I hope you can learn to trust your T, and that you can build a good therapeutic relationship. 'Word vomit' isn't always a bad thing, sometimes it's better to let it all out

Hope you're okay

This is a breakthrough and a time of great opportunity! Of course it is frightening and that makes you want to run in the other direction. Very understandable, but doesn't have to be acted on. In fact, it is something to talk about in your next session.

When we least feel like going is when we need to go. And those can be some of the best and most helpful sessions.

Thanks, guys.