[googley]

Trigger: discussion of abuse.
I've dealt with this issue before in T. But it is rearing its ugly head again. Growing up my parents (mostly my mom) would yell at me. She didn't really know how to have a conversation about anything important. Instead she would get really angry and yell if anything wasn't going her way. She would also start yelling out of no where, or yell at me after she had had a fight with my dad. It was like I could never win. I was always on egg shells. I have talked about this with my T in the past. That it feels more normal to me to have people angry at me. That my mind linked that having someone angry at me was something you could trust. And it linked that being yelled at was a sign of caring. I think to make it through I had to believe that my mom loved me. And if I had to believe that, then I had to believe that her behavior was how you showed love. Cognitively now I know that is not the truth. But somewhere inside of me wants that. Some part of me wants my T to yell at me and tell me I'm an awful person because then it would feel like she cared. We have talked about it before. And how that isn't really how one shows that they care about someone. But all I can feel right now is that I need that reassurance that she cares, but the only way I'll believe it is if she yells at me. Her stating that she cares isn't believable. For some reason it doesn't make it's way through to those deep fears that she doesn't really care.

Why is this all back? I thought I had dealt with this. Ugh.

[Sannah]

It seems the connection is still there, though. What always helped me was making new connections because it is hard to get rid of an old one sometimes in a vacuum. What can you do with your T that will really tell you that she cares? I'll bet that you are holding her back away from you? Allowing her to get close might help you to make a new connection with this?

Originally Posted by googley

Why is this all back? I thought I had dealt with this. Ugh.

I wish I had the answer. I can empathize with the feeling, though, of having been there, done that. I am always disappointed and confused when the same issue reappears after the time that I thought it was "over." Some of this I think is that is part what it feels like to be in the middle of abuse, it feels like it is never "over." So maybe what the recycling of issues teaches us is about the time in our lives when it wasn't "over" and we really didn't know when it would be.

Anne

[purple_fins]

Oh, I think Sannah has some very good thoughts, as usual

maybe it's "back"-- because you are feeling the relationship with your T. growing closer--
could that be why it's back?

You have so much insight-- wow.

Googley

fins

Originally Posted by googley

Why is this all back? I thought I had dealt with this. Ugh.

oh (((((((googley)))))). It's so painful when we come back around to those issues we "thought" we dealt with.

I wonder if this is part of what healing will look like for you? Going through the painful process of "unlearning" what you thought loved looked like, and discovering what it really looks like?

You are SO worthy of love. Good, safe, kind love. From T and from all of your relationships.

For me, the love that T gives me TERRIFIES me sometimes. It doesn't make sense or fit into my experience, and that just makes me want to run away. But I am trying to believe that the more we stick it out - the more we sit here in the messiness and confusion and uncomfortableness - the closer we get to healing, and to getting the kind of love that we deserve.

You're working hard, googley. Keep going.

You are loved.

[laceylu]

Originally Posted by googley

Trigger: discussion of abuse.
I've dealt with this issue before in T. But it is rearing its ugly head again. Growing up my parents (mostly my mom) would yell at me. She didn't really know how to have a conversation about anything important. Instead she would get really angry and yell if anything wasn't going her way. She would also start yelling out of no where, or yell at me after she had had a fight with my dad. It was like I could never win. I was always on egg shells. I have talked about this with my T in the past. That it feels more normal to me to have people angry at me. That my mind linked that having someone angry at me was something you could trust. And it linked that being yelled at was a sign of caring. I think to make it through I had to believe that my mom loved me. And if I had to believe that, then I had to believe that her behavior was how you showed love. Cognitively now I know that is not the truth. But somewhere inside of me wants that. Some part of me wants my T to yell at me and tell me I'm an awful person because then it would feel like she cared. We have talked about it before. And how that isn't really how one shows that they care about someone. But all I can feel right now is that I need that reassurance that she cares, but the only way I'll believe it is if she yells at me. Her stating that she cares isn't believable. For some reason it doesn't make it's way through to those deep fears that she doesn't really care.

Why is this all back? I thought I had dealt with this. Ugh.

My T would say my container is leaking again and that I was triggered by a new memory or awareness that I may not be aware of yet. Be curious about it and the answer may come to you. I expect my T to yell at me anytime and she does not. This is new to me too. Try to look for ways she cares about you. Does she answer your questions or does she ask how you are doing before you get started? Does she smile at you or make a joke? We sit on the floor together. Can she give you a transitional object? I have a 2 stuffed beanie babies from T. Is she on time to your appointments? Is her voice gentle? Is she kind to her other clients? Just food for thought.