a story I wrote to my T

I would like to tell you about the two parts that live inside of me. One part is my adult self, and the other is my child self. They reside together in my body, and most of the times, my adult self is in control. My adult self is very logical, sarcastic, some might say even cynical. She is very observant and notices nuances in other people’s behavior that other people sometimes miss. She is my guardian, she tries to make sure I am protected and don’t get attached easily to people who can hurt me. She does an okay job, though sometimes she has failed me. This year, for example, she can forget about getting a raise .

My child self uses her heart instead of her head. She gets attached easily, she believes in people, in the goodness of their heart and in their good intentions. My child self is very loving. She loves in a way that is total and absolute. Her heart is full, she is naïve and happy, but she expects a lot in return. You see, she is very needy. She needs a lot of love in order to survive. She needs to be loved in a way similar to how she herself loves: unconditionally and wholeheartedly. My child self has been hurt many times before, because she put her trust in people that couldn’t give her what she needed. She should have been more cautious, but she wasn’t because she doesn’t know how to do that. Her yearning to attach to someone bigger and stronger than herself blinds her, and causes her to put her trust in people who let her down.

My adult self is reluctant to trust you. On one hand, she sees everything you have done for me, and she is really impressed. She can’t recall someone being so consistent and devoted and concerned about me. On the other hand, she remembers other people who seemed to behave in similar ways (but never did or said the things that you have!), but have let her down. The one person it knows very well is my mother, who has been physically devoted to me, but wasn’t consistent in the way she took care of me, especially not about tending to my emotional needs and putting them in priority over her own needs.

Although my adult self is impressed with you and is even hopeful that you actually mean what you say, she is also very scared. She wants to protect me from anyone who can potentially hurt me, and you are in a great position to hurt me, because I have made myself so vulnerable to you. She scrutinizes everything you say to me (with the thought that although she can forget about a raise, there’s always a chance for a bonus ). She tries to find inconsistencies in what you say. She constantly checks for incongruence between what you say and how you behave. She is very suspicious of you, and is afraid of being manipulated.

My child self is totally in love with you. She believes you, she feels loved by you, and she trusts you with all her heart. She feels you are with her even when you are not. She feels your comforting presence inside of her. Sometimes she can even feel you thinking about her and she smiles to herself. That part of me feels so lucky to have met you, and knows you have become an inseparable part of her life. She feels nurtured by you, and she swallows what you give her like thirsty soil that soaks up the rain. My child self feels so guilty about my adult self’s behavior. She knows you don’t deserve that. She knows you mean well, and that you are trustworthy.

On top of being quite naïve, my child self is also very sad, because she knows that as much as you love me, you can never love me the way I really would want to be loved. She knows there are many limits to our relationship and that she has to be happy with what she gets, even if she would have liked to get more. She knows you are not my mother, and can never be my mother (damn!), but sometimes she imagines that you are. Sometimes when we sit together in your office, she gets up from my chair, she runs to you and jumps in your lap (luckily she is weightless). She wraps her arms around you and buries her head in your neck. She holds on to you and feels safe and protected and so so loved.

She is also very jealous. She has heard that you have other people that you see in your office; other people who might also have child selves of their own, and need you just as much as she does. She is jealous of them. She is happy they are giving you money, but she wants to be the most special one to you and to have you love her as strongly as she loves you. It breaks her heart to know that she cannot compete with your children. She wanted to have a mother like you, too, when she was growing up (a process which obviously partially failed, as she is still a child ). It’s not her fault that she didn’t get that mother. She tried so hard to be good and get the mother that she craved. Ever since she was little, she is looking around her and searching for that mommy that she needs. She still needs, even though she is a big girl now, and a mommy herself.

This is so beautifully written. I can relate to many of the thoughts, feelings and images you describe. Thanku for sharing with us. Soup

Thanks for sharing, vaffla. I can identify with what you wrote also.

i soaked up every bit of what you wrote it is beautiful and from the heart i hope you share it with your T

beautiful. i can relate to much of what you shared. thank you for sharing it, vaffla.

Thank you for the responses . I did share it with her today, she said it was beautiful .

This is amazingly insightful and articulated so, so well. I can relate to it in it's entirety. Thank you so much for sharing.

This took my breath away...it touched something very deep within me that both feels this and relates...and it makes me heart hurt..thank you for sharing