[rainbow8]

I had to call my T about my next session. She called back at night after I finally stopped carrying my cell phone around with me all day! So, now I'm triggered and feel caught up in this therapy craziness again. Why does this happen? I was okay until I talked to her. We talked briefly; that's one reason. I had so much to say but no time. She doesn't sound like herself on her phone and I hate that! I made my appointment for a week from Thursday at her other office that I've never been to. I have to go on an expressway to get there and I don't like driving on them. My other choice is to wait until the next Tuesday which will make it 4 weeks. I don't want to do that.

She told me that she didn't get the email birthday card I sent! She'll look in her spam mail and see if it went there, she said.

I told her it was a challenge to see how long I could go without emailing and I did it, and if I email now, does it cancel it out? I think she said no. Or maybe I didn't ask it, but told her. I am not good on the phone and don't express myself clearly. I know she asked how I was, and about my friend's death.

So, I am going to email her. I don't have to punish myself anymore.

[rainbow8]

I emailed her my feelings and list of topics to talk about. I don't feel bad about doing it. I'm still a "work in progress" and I'm allowed to email. She won't change the rule about emailing me back, though. I'm glad and sad about that each time she says that's our rule, even though it was my idea.

I didn't mean what I wrote above about punishing myself. I felt accomplished that I could do it, not that it was a punishment. I don't know why I wrote that.

[suzzie]

hope the time till your appointment goes quick. and you have a good session.

[Flooded]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I emailed her my feelings and list of topics to talk about. I don't feel bad about doing it. I'm still a "work in progress" and I'm allowed to email. She won't change the rule about emailing me back, though. I'm glad and sad about that each time she says that's our rule, even though it was my idea.

I didn't mean what I wrote above about punishing myself. I felt accomplished that I could do it, not that it was a punishment. I don't know why I wrote that.

rainbow, you don't have to justify anything to anyone esp on here. You did awesomely well to not email for as long as you did so be very, very proud!

Therapy is a work-in-progress as you're well aware and you HAVE progressed

[rainbow8]

thanks, suzzie, flooded and Squiggle.

My husband knows I emailed her and he was critical of me, as usual. He thinks I should just "get over" therapy and never understands my feelings.

I know it's not about my T, but about me. My family is more important, but as soon as I spoke with her on the phone, I felt like the world was falling apart because she was REAL again. It's what she represents, not her. It's transference and all about feeling loved and safe, but on the phone she was just another person and my heart broke.

I wish I didn't feel the way I do. It's fascinating the way it happened. Out of sight, out of mind, then whammo!!! She's there again. I am being curious about it, WHY I am this way and how to accept it and work through it in therapy. It's so frustrating to see what I'm doing, but not know what to do about it

I feel like the foggy way I was for 2 weeks isn't facing reality. Or else it was a good vacation from therapy and next week I will be back working again. But T can't be who I want so I don't know how I can ever resolve this. I have other issues to talk about with her too. I feel overwhelmed and sad, but kind of resigned. My friend died; I'm still alive. I've got to do the best I can with my challenges in life.

[Nelliecat]

Rainbow

I'm sorry about your friend and that you're feeling like this about therapy. It really messes with me too. It's mostly all I think about. As for your husband, no-one seems to get it unless they've been there - at least that's the way it is for me. That's why PC is so cool. I hope the time till your next appt goes quickly.

Nelliecat

[Sannah]

Rainbow, I think that you have been doing really well with this. It is gradual change, not a switch that you flip. You will be able to continue to work on this and you will understand it and be able to move beyond it.

[rainbow_rose]

be kind to your self, rainbow.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, nellie, sannah, and rainbow_rose. I've had a stomach virus on top of my cold and feel yukky!! I'm not up to playing with my grandchildren, though they have been sick too. I want to feel better!!!!

When I think about my T, I realize more and more that she's a professional and I'm a client. She only talked to me a few minutes on the phone; that's the reality. When I want her to love me, it's not her I want. I wish I could be over this already. I don't want to do this transference stuff but it's there. It takes over. I'm feeling sorry for myself because I don't feel well physically. My session is Thursday; we'll see if we make it home Wednesday and if I feel well enough by then.

[rainbow_rose]

i hate this transference crap. it's about them, it's not about them, blah blah blah. doesn't make it hurt any less.

hang in there, rainbow. i will hold good thoughts for you to feel better and that you are able to go to your session.

[Nelliecat]

It's so tiring isn't it but you can do it. Hope you're looking after your poorly self.

Nellie

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

When I want her to love me, it's not her I want. I wish I could be over this already. I don't want to do this transference stuff but it's there. It takes over. I'm feeling sorry for myself because I don't feel well physically.

Good insight!! You will get through this. I'm sorry that you are so sick. Those little ones are germ carriers!

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Nellie, Sannah, and RR, again. Update for today is that my H went to the emergency room last night and we were there for 6 hours!! He was very weak and dizzy and he wanted us to call 911! Turns out it's a sinus infection and vertigo, but they did many tests because of his age and symptoms.

So, I called my T this morning and left a message saying what happened and that I just felt like calling. Meanwhile, she sent me an email wanting to know if I was coming on Thursday and saying she hoped I had a great vacation!! I was angry until I realized she probably hadn't heard my phone message yet. But, when I talked to her last week she knew I wasn't so great. She will be positive no matter what, and that aggravates me!!!

The email was about scheduling so it doesn't count as going against her rules, in case you're wondering.

It will be 3 weeks tomorrow since I've seen her!!! If my H can't drive we won't be going home this week. I'll drive in the country but not when we get to the big expressways.

In spite of everything, I had a good time here though. So maybe my T is right; I just hate that she doesn't seem to validate me. That's why I don't want her emailing me. It hurts me too much.

I wrote her that I want to stop the transference and that I cried when I was driving past some pretty trees with changing leaves today. I said I thought of her. She wants me to be mindful of nature and we both like beautiful scenery, but it made my cry because of what she isn't to me.

So, here I am. Accepting life the way it is because what other choice do I have?

[rainbow8]

Thanks for your "thanks", rainbow_rose.