[skysblue]

My T is so wonderful. Today she gave me something I really needed. She knows me well and knows my wound. She applied some healing to that raw place. The thing is - can I accept her gift? Can I let down the wall? Can I let myself be vulnerable again? I don't have to fight anymore but it feels safer to fight - to keep up the defenses. And if I lower those defenses, she wins. Why am I conflicted about this?

[lastyearisblank]

That is wonderful- that she knows exactly how to help when you're hurting. As for if you can accept her gifts (words?), maybe you already did! She wouldn't known how to help unless you had been open about what you needed. She sounds very in tune and compassionate but you guys got here by working together! I hope that you can give yourself some credit for that even if it might be hard to accept the good things in therapy right now...

[rainbow8]

I'm glad that your T gave you what you needed, skysblue. That is wonderful, especially since you won't see her for 4 weeks. I hope that it is something that will sustain you during this long interval.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

That is wonderful- that she knows exactly how to help when you're hurting. As for if you can accept her gifts (words?), maybe you already did! She wouldn't known how to help unless you had been open about what you needed. She sounds very in tune and compassionate but you guys got here by working together! I hope that you can give yourself some credit for that even if it might be hard to accept the good things in therapy right now...

She repaired an old rupture or is trying to and I still don't know how to bring myself back to the way it was. I am so touched by her gesture and her compassion but I still feel the hurt from her mistake. And her mistake was not anything really serious - it just caused me deep pain. Why do I want to hang on to that pain? I will try to accept her gift because her giving it makes me cry in gratitude. She is so awesome.

it's hard but you can. it took me a long time to accept gifts from t...they do know us very well...& it is scary to drop those walls..but you know it's ok..

my t & i have a ritual..for birthdays & holidays we do exchange gifts...small ones...i have no family so she fills in for that part. i never knew when her birthday was until she mentioned it one day...so i surprised her one time with a small gift for it. she always says.."stop spending your money! no gifts!" as she smiles & tears into it. me..i just smile & let one of the inside kids open it.

she knows as a kid i got no gifts so it's important to me at birthdays & christmas to be remembered.

this summer tho i was struggling severely with major cash flow issues. no food, no gas, etc. major issues. severe depression..everything. i had not even said very much about how much pain i was in because really there wasn't much to be said about it..not much way to fix it either..) she stood up & gave me some cash.

it made me upset...i didn't know what to do...kind of crossed the eternal boundary, messed things up...her response was.."can't we just be human? you are in pain, this would help, i can help you. it is the human thing to do..sometimes you just need to be human...& not worry about what is in this room."

for that moment...it saved my life. seriously. literally. i cried. i ate. i felt better. i paid her back (even tho she said not too..i told ehr it was important to me).

so sometimes...t's just have to be human...& we just have to let them. it does us both good. i think the relationship grows on both sides that way.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm glad that your T gave you what you needed, skysblue. That is wonderful, especially since you won't see her for 4 weeks. I hope that it is something that will sustain you during this long interval.

She offered me an extra session tomorrow. Unfortunately we began a new deep issue today. Yike! Why oh why - just before the long break?

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by stumpy

it's hard but you can. it took me a long time to accept gifts from t...they do know us very well...& it is scary to drop those walls..but you know it's ok..

my t & i have a ritual..for birthdays & holidays we do exchange gifts...small ones...i have no family so she fills in for that part. i never knew when her birthday was until she mentioned it one day...so i surprised her one time with a small gift for it. she always says.."stop spending your money! no gifts!" as she smiles & tears into it. me..i just smile & let one of the inside kids open it.

she knows as a kid i got no gifts so it's important to me at birthdays & christmas to be remembered.

this summer tho i was struggling severely with major cash flow issues. no food, no gas, etc. major issues. severe depression..everything. i had not even said very much about how much pain i was in because really there wasn't much to be said about it..not much way to fix it either..) she stood up & gave me some cash.

it made me upset...i didn't know what to do...kind of crossed the eternal boundary, messed things up...her response was.."can't we just be human? you are in pain, this would help, i can help you. it is the human thing to do..sometimes you just need to be human...& not worry about what is in this room."

for that moment...it saved my life. seriously. literally. i cried. i ate. i felt better. i paid her back (even tho she said not too..i told ehr it was important to me).

so sometimes...t's just have to be human...& we just have to let them. it does us both good. i think the relationship grows on both sides that way.

Stumpy - glad that your T was able to help you that way. My T didn't give me a 'concrete' gift. Hers was a gift of herself in a way that was beyond what she is obligated to give. Very heartfelt and genuine...

go, use it, show your thanks by spending the time wisely. bring her a coffee, share what you need to share...& thank her for being human.

rather than let you stew with an issue for a long break..she offered you the time to explore an issue a bit before...some would have just ignored that & left you to fret. she is a good professional & person...caring, conscious of where you are & she is on the continuum...i like her..she may not be perfect..but few of us are.

she gave you the chance for piece of mind during a long break...which for you may have been just an needed as a gift of money for me. a wise woman indeed.

[granite1]

sky it sounds awsome what your t did but i can totally understand your hesitation.i hope you will be able to accept the help offered

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by skysblue

She repaired an old rupture or is trying to and I still don't know how to bring myself back to the way it was. I am so touched by her gesture and her compassion but I still feel the hurt from her mistake. And her mistake was not anything really serious - it just caused me deep pain. Why do I want to hang on to that pain? I will try to accept her gift because her giving it makes me cry in gratitude. She is so awesome.

Is it the headphones thing ZOMG that is so exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(((((((skysblue))))))))

Sometimes I have to remind myself that T and I can have ruptures AND have a good, steady, caring connection. I can feel scared AND be safe. BOTH can be (and are) true.

It's okay to let yourself be cared for.

[skysblue]

I'm wondering if anyone in RL could be so attentive to our needs? Especially if we're not shouting them from the rooftop. My T is so good at reading me and is so able to know what I don't even know about myself. To know that someone cares so much and will do what is necessary for deep healing is one of the most powerful experiences I can imagine.

Whether I will be able to accept her gift or not remains to be seen. This next month will show. Can I overcome my fear and resistance? I hope I can.

What is it that she gave you? A free session?

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Is it the headphones thing ZOMG that is so exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man, you are so good you make me laugh but no, it's not that one.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

What is it that she gave you? A free session?

What is this - a guessing game? all of you make me laugh No, not a free session.

Originally Posted by skysblue

What is this - a guessing game? all of you make me laugh No, not a free session.

Did she give you a hug? Hold your hand? Tell you she loved you?

I was also thinking about the headphones thing. Was that it? Or was it that time when she forgot something really important that you had talked with her about?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by skysblue

My T is so good at reading me and is so able to know what I don't even know about myself.

Mine seem to have a policy: "I know only what you tell me and will give you nothing you haven't asked for."

Or is that my mother talking?

[rainbow8]

You don't have to tell us, but I admit I'm curious now. Maybe she is going to let you write her to make up for when she charged you? Or give you free phone calls to make up for the other time? Or maybe she apologized?

Was it the time she charged you extra for reading those letters?

[skysblue]

This will make sense only to those who have followed my story the past few months. For those who do not know the story, this will not seem like a big deal.

T told me to leave messages as often as I'd like on her phone while she's gone AND to write as much as I need. - at no extra charge.

It will be tough to let down my defenses enough to allow myself to do this.

I had a similar thing happen on Friday with my wonderful therapist. I have 5 weeks to hand in my dissertation, about which I'm feeling anxious. It's been a hell of a ride during 9 years of grad school (grad school, bipolar, bpd just don't mix well...). I'd gone to our appointment thinking in my mind how much I wanted to ask her if for the next 5 weeks whether we could check in between our appts or something. During our appt she absolutely surprised me by suggesting that we talk on Sundays or Mondays as a check in and that I was welcome to call at any moment or send her an email/text and ask her to call me. I felt so touched by all of this and looked forward to our Sunday time. While we were talking on Sunday, I all of a sudden felt guilty- worried that I was being bothersome to her, i.e., talking to me was the last thing she wanted to be doing on her day off. I even asked at the end of our conversation: "Is this OK for you?" to which she responded, "Yes." I realized a few hours later, during which i felt guilty, that *I* was projecting. She offered to talk on Sundays (or Mondays), she set up a time, she called me, and she said while we were talking that this was fine when asked (she even followed up w/ an email about something we’d talked about). Five pieces of proof that she was doing this because she wants to. These are amazing gifts we receive from therapists... they just know what we didn't receive as children, whether physical gifts or emotional ones and the good ones will help to fill those holes in a healthy way. And they know, too, that it's hard for some of us to accept them readily.

Originally Posted by skysblue

This will make sense only to those who have followed my story the past few months. For those who do not know the story, this will not seem like a big deal.

Definitely a big deal

I'm so glad Will be thinking of you in the month ahead.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by eastcoaster

These are amazing gifts we receive from therapists... they just know what we didn't receive as children, whether physical gifts or emotional ones and the good ones will help to fill those holes in a healthy way. And they know, too, that it's hard for some of us to accept them readily.

I know my T has pretty strict boundaries as far as contact out of session and so I know she's offering this to me as a wonderful gesture to help me overcome some of my issues. But, they were issues even before she caused a rupture that built a strong defensive wall so I don't know how I can bring myself to actually accept this gift. It's way way too scary. I guess I'll play it by ear. The best thing is that I not feel any need to make contact, then the problem is moot. So, in a way it doesn't matter. Just the fact that she offered is enough.

And, I'll be seeing a 'substitute' T while she's gone, so with all that I should be fine without any contact for the month.