Today is 3 weeks since my last session!

I managed to go 3 weeks without a session. Part of me wishes I didn't have to go back at all and that would end the transference/attachment problem. But another part says it would just happen again because it's not resolved. I'm angry that I have these feelings for my T. I'm angry with her. I could manage the 3 weeks because I was sick most of the time, and still am. Maybe it will be 4 weeks if I don't get back home tomorrow.

I went 2 weeks without emailing or calling but after I called I emailed as usual. She didn't say one word about how well I did at not emailing or going 3 weeks. I hate that she won't say anything relating to therapy, except scheduling, to me in between sessions.

When I read what skysblue posted about wanting to destroy T's office, I felt like I want to do that too. Part of me does because I'm angry that my T is not who I want her to be. I want to either cry or do something destructive. I can see scribbling in red during the session or maybe fingerpainting again. I don't want to like my T anymore, but I have the parts that love her. I get teary when I think about her that way. I'm all mixed up right now. This therapy hurts too much. What do you guys think?

This is it in a nutshell and you can work through this in therapy. I think that you did really well these last 3 weeks. You have made progress!

Thanks, Sannah. Yeah, I've told or thought the same thing about all 5 Ts I've had.

Reading it highlighted in your reply makes me feel like crying again. It makes me so sad, more than angry. I agree. If ONLY I can work through it in therapy but I've never been able to.

I feel like my T died. When I see her, I'll be in denial again, though, because she's nice to me. I keep trying and trying to make my Ts into someone else, I guess a Mommy who makes me feel safe.

I feel so alone. I don't have my T. Not really.

I think that you will work through it in therapy this time Rainbow. You do have your T but not in the dysfunctional way that you want her. Keep working and you will move beyond this dysfunction.

i think you did an awsome job dealing without your T for three weeks and i bet youi will be able to talk about it when you see her.i know it is hard to believe at times but she does have your best intrests at heart thursday will be here soon

Thanks, granite. I will probably be able to keep my Thursday appointment and now I'm getting scared!! It will be so weird to see her after so long! I emailed her what I wrote in this thread about wanting to cry or be destructive. I want her to know how I feel. I am scared to drive to her other office too. I wonder what it will look like. I feel like I don't know my T anymore. This is going to be hard. Can I have pocket-riders, please?

jumpping in

You don't know your T anymore, this seems like a good sign. Maybe this means that you are starting to let go of the fantasy of her?????

I'll come along with you...........

Sannah, thank you. I don't know if it's a good sign. I'm very angry with myself for letting this happen again, just like with my other Ts. I'm angry with my T too. Yes, I'm letting go of the fantasy because it's just that--a fantasy. My T cares for me in a limited way. I know she will tell me that she likes me a lot and cares, but like my former T told me, she likes me as a client. I've always known that fact about Ts--intellectually, but my emotions never correspond. The transference happens the same way with each T.

I feel bad because no one besides granite and Sannah is posting in this thread. Maybe it's too depressing because it's about the reality of therapy?

You are not letting it happen. This is a very young inner child that you are dealing with who is all emotions and no intellect. If you want to get better this must come out. You can't deal with issues that are repressed.

And I would think that you would be angry with another person too because this does involve others from the past.

This is important. The attention here fills a need?

Sannah, I don't want people to pity me here but YES!!!! I feel rejected and wonder why suddenly no one likes me except for you and granite. I wonder if I overdid it with some of my threads and everyone else is tired of me and my problems.

Rejection hurts me terribly--any rejection, though I'm trying to not judge anyone here because I know there are many reasons for not replying to threads. But I asked for pocket riders, and no one else wants to come.

It hurts in the same way my T rejects me. It's not intentional; it's just the way therapy is. I thought I fit in here, though, and had a lot of "friends". It makes me feel like I have to change my perception of the reality of this forum too.

Yes, it hurts when people in RL reject me too. Or SEEM to. I'm not so important to them. I'm overy sensitive and always have been, but it's true that people have overlooked me because of my shyness. I'm not shy on the forum, though. Reality is hard to accept.

It doesn't help that I'm anxious, over tired, and getting an upset stomach again. We're driving home today--later in the day.

This is my first attempt at pocket riding Rainbow so you'll have a newbie onboard. No worries - I'll behave! You can do this. Try to relax, get out of your head a bit and know that a ton of folks are rooting for you. Including your wonderful T who will be very happy to see you.

It's great you managed 3 weeks. I'm curious how I'll manage 4 weeks. I even wanted to cancel my last session today before T goes on vacation just to get it over with. But I didn't cancel, though my T knows that I was tempted.

I don't have the same attachment situation that you do but the anxiety about the separation may be similar. I'm going to see my 'substitute' T while my T is gone and I'm going to ask her how to get over the attachment. I suspect the answer will be that when my issues are resolved the attachment will also lessen.

Thanks, Hope4joy. My T just emailed that it's great that I'm coming tomorrow, and directions to her other office. Though these are necessary emails, they still trigger me. I don't want to "want to" see her. I told her I'm still angry and I hope she has art supplies at this office too. I'm getting so scared to see her after 3 weeks!

I have had the very same reaction in seeing my T after a break. What I learned was that my anxiety was always increased because as a child, I couldn't count on consistent behavior from my parents when we had a break (even just a school day). So, I became constantly on guard for danger, not just with them, but with anyone I was attached to. And, I had largely good parents. Often, their behaviors (and outward projections) had nothing to do with me being good or loved. To this day, I still have trouble showing positive normal emotion when I am reunited with someone I care about because there is still the worry that the other shoe will drop and I've left myself unecessarily vulnerable. T though, is the model of consistency so I am learning to find comfort in the reunion. I think you will find the same. I'm sorry if this is way off!

Rainbow, I will definitely jump in your pocket!! I've been absent from the boards because it's finals time at school, but I support you. I can see how dedicated you are to working through these emotions that cause you pain, and I have faith that you're right where you're supposed to be in your process. You're not alone.

childofyen, I do hope you're right that I'm where I'm supposed to be! I feel torn. I can't stand to feel these feelings for my T anymore. I hate them!!! I want them out!! I am so, so angry, mostly at MYSELF, not at her. I feel like I am weak, not to be able to go on with my life and forget about this baby stuff. I'm going to tell that to my T today.

((((((((Rainbow))))))))

I like you very much! My time on PC has been super limited so I just haven't had time to reply to very many threads...and I've had a rough week or so, so that's probably added to my limited posting.

This is important, though. What *I* am experiencing is that I am busy and having a hard time. What *you* are experiencing is that I don't like you, but the truth is, I really really do like you.

Good luck with T today. I'll come along

tree, I appreciate your post very much. I know-sigh. I should not take not getting more support personally. I know I'm being selfish because I've gotten a "zillion" posts in some of my threads.

I KNOW others have their own issues going on and it's not about me. I know that, but the feelings are from the past-it's transference right here on this forum happening to me! It makes me remember people ignoring me and my feeling invisible and uncared about. It's MY stuff. It's just that my head and my heart don't match up.

It's a learning experience. My T cares about me even though I think she forgot about me when I was away. She cares, but not the way I WISH. Same here. NO one can ever give me what I want, except ME, and I'm having trouble with that concept. I'm a slow learner.

Thank you for being a pocket rider!