My journal...

My T asked if she could copy my journal so she can figure out some stuff. She said it would not be a part of my record. She said no one else would read it. And she wants me to think about it for a week before I decide to let her copy it. I believe she is trying to figure out if I have DID or complex PTSD. I did not ask her what she wants to figure out. I do not want to hear DID come out of her mouth. We talked on structural dissociation and have talked all around the subject. I even told her that the DID has me freaked out, but she just kindly nods. I switched to little girl twice, but now I know how she gets me to do it I resist. Then she is very focused on me being raised by a legally blind mother.Mom has been blind since she was born. My three brothers were also blind. Does anyone out there know where I can find information regarding mental illness, attachment and the visually impaired? I googled it last night and could not get a good match. I know there are T's out there who read this forum and I would really like some more info on blindness and attachment. If the information you have is hard to read, I will read it till I understand.
SHOULD I LET HER COPY MY JOURNAL? I am ok with it, if it will help me get better. I have not shared all things in it yet, but we do not have enough time to share everything. I do not cry so my journal is a way for me to release my emotions. I asked her not to let anyone else read it , but if I let her copy it, I am going to tell her she can share it with others T's and pdocs if it will help her help me. I just really do not want my boss or the adoption social worker to read it. But how can they without my permission? Thanks everyone for all your support.

Dear laceylu,

I journal for my T every day. Then when it's her day (I see her twice a week) I print out the latest and give it to her. She keeps the printed journals, not in the office file (there are several T's and a pdoc working together) but in her own private personal file. She is very careful about not letting anyone else (even the pdoc) see my journals. When I email her, which I do from time to time, she insists that my emails contain no personal matters, because she shares that email account with her husband and doesn't want him looking at private patient material.

In other words, as for myself, I do trust T to be responsible about handling my private writings. She has demonstrated that she is worth that trust. Obviously, all people are different, but keeping patient materials private seems to be a big deal that they teach in T school. It's part of their code of ethics. If T shows your things to people unauthoritzed by YOU then YOU can sue T. Me, I don't hold back in my journals. If I think it, it goes in. After all, it's for my own good. T says that it gives her a day-to-day insight into my feeling and thinking that she just can't get from two one-hour appointments a week. So. Really up to you to decide, but me, I've had a good experience in that regard.

On your other question, relating to researching blindness, attachment and mental illness, are you fully familiar with the Google "Advanced Search" parameters? If you aren't, then when you get to the main Google search page, you'll see in the upper right corner what looks like a gear wheel. Click on it. A short menu will drop down. One of the choices is "advanced." Click on that. Then you'll see a large table with spaces for insertions. You can try out using different word combinations to see what brings up the best material. But the most important is down near the bottom.

Near the bottom (Not AT the bottom, just near it) you'll see a space for "file type." Click on the arrow to the right of "any format." Choose PDF, the one at the top of the drop-down list. Only serious academic articles are published in PDF, as you may know. So if you confine your search to "PDF" there's a higher probability that you'll get something truly interesting.

Take care and good luck!

I dont think you are going to be able to find all those in one spot. blindness is a physical problem not a mental problem, Attachment is how you feel about someone - ie whether you like someone or love someone or trust someone. mental illness well theres all kinds of mental illnesses out there. to find them you will need to type in the search a specific mental disorder you are looking for.

that said the brain is an amazing thing. as human beings we have the ability to think and imagine anything. So it is possible for a person to think, imagine thier self into having all kinds of problems including vision problems. at the hospital we treat many people that have all kinds of hallucinations including having the delusion that they are going blind or are blind. they actually do seem to be blind or have blurred, warped vision during this but once they are on the correct medication that will control their psychotic symptoms they can see again. some of our hospitalized clients with schizophrenia complain of all kinds of vision problems. either they see auras, foggy, blurred, floors warping, ceilings warping, inanimate objects appear to be talking and breathing...

medications can also cause a person to have vision problems. One medication I was on caused me to have all kinds of vision problems including temporary blindness.

Im sure that some people with any mental disorder can also have attachment issues and vision problems all at the same time. but around here it usually turns out that its not the mental disorders that cause the other two.

a person learns whether they can trust, like, love someone based on their experiences. if for example someone was abandoned by their parents they may have problems with letting their self trust like or love someone again. if someone had a particularly bad relationship they may close their self off from trusting, liking and loving another person.

that said any mental disordered person just like any normal person can have attachment issues. only you know whether you have attachment issues or not. the internet can tell you all about what attachment is and theres life stories from people who have attachment issues online but only you can say what your attachment issues are and whether they are because of what happened in your life.

You might want to talk about why the label "DID" is so scary for you.
If I were your T, I'd ask about that. I'm surprised she hasn't.

I trust my T with my journal quite a bit, and it sounds as if yours is planning to be safe with your precious thoughts and feelings. My humble opinion is to trust her on this.

I guess I just would like to know how an infant attaches securely to a blind mother who does not have eye contact or facial expression or even eye control. I know blindness can cause severe emotional problems for the person afflicted so how does that extend to her infant? I know my attachment was disorganized, according to my T. My T said she would look into it because she did not know. My attachment issues stem from much more than a blind mother, I just want to see if anyone else has recognized the impact of a visually impaired mother on her children. thanks so much for all your information amandalouise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

with babies you dont necessarily need to have eye sight, hearing and all that. there are many blind and hearing impared people who are parents. and there are millions of babies born every day that have birth defects like blindness, hearing imaired.

a mother carries their babies inside them for almost 10 months. thats ten months of the baby feeling the vibration of the mothers heart beat, feeling the same emotions that the mother is feeling. eating the same foods the mother has ate by way of the unbilical cord.. and yes how warm the mother feels, the difference in how tight or loose the mom feels when relaxed or under stress..

when the baby is no longer inside the mother they are still "tuned" in to their mom. whether the arms that are holding them feels secure or shakey, watch a nervious parent and a calm parent and you can see the newborn react to whatever their parents are feeling even when the baby was fast asleep and get passed to someone else...

what Im saying is there are other ways for a parent and child to bond other than eye contact.

its true the visually impared and the hearing impared have challenges they must over come when they become parents but the handicapped are just as able to be good parents just like every other person that is not handicapped. in some cases they are better parents because they are more in tune to all the hazards and where there children are and what their children are doing.

I have a blind parent who can sit / talk with me and she will know even before her 2 yr old reaches for my stabler and other items on my desk and move the items or the child before they even get the chance to harm their self with my stabler scizzors and all.

where as my sighted parents seem to not know what their children are going to do next until after they have my desk items in their hands.

I have a hearing impared client who can tell without looking whether her child left the room or not just by the vibration of the childs walking across the floor.

the handicapped can be just as good parents as any others with no disabilities. they just have to do their parenting by relying on their own creative abilities and what senses they do have.

whether parenting impacts a child or not isnt about the parents disabilities. its about their parenting skills just like with non handicapped parents those that have good parenting skills do ok with raising their children, those without good parenting skills end up affecting their children in negative ways.

I know this isnt what you were expecting to hear from me but I have worked with many kinds of people, handicapped, not handicapped, language barriers and all kinds of races and what not.

here where I live and work we dont do profile discrimination such as saying the handicapped are worse parents than non handicapped because the fact of the matter is there are some down right horrible non handicapped parents that have done the most horrendous things to their children and there are some handicapped people that make the best parents on earth. if we start profile discriminating on someones abilities to be a parent based on their disabilities ...

well thats been done and it ended up with years ago the handicapped being sterilized with out their permission and against their will.

now the USA knows differently. it doesn't matter the disabled is just like everyone else including in their rights to learn about and be parents. just like any other person in the USA. it doesn't matter what race religion or even the handicapped the USA laws says we dont discriminate. the handicapped are just as able to do anything else non handicapped people can do. if they weren't we wouldn't have laws like the american disabilities act and others, that say the handicapped are to be treated like equals in all ways.

thats where I stand on this issue. Im sorry if its not what you are looking for. but I dont discriminate not even against the handicap's right to be parents just like any other american in the USA.

Thank-you for your reply. I was just focused in on me and my mom. Born in a family of blind people has given me a unique perspective. My mom was traumatized as a child and young adult coupled with her being legally blind. Completely blind is different than legally blind. The natural instincts kick in for hearing and such. I am just not very happy to hear that I developed disorganized attachment as a baby and I wanted a concrete reason. T explained again that with all these factors including my medical problems that I was set up basically for this attachment style. I am not handling my mental health problems as well as I would like to be. I feel like I have been hit by a semi-truck and thrown deep into the wilderness. I am still struggling with all was well last fall and now it is not. Anyways as a registered nurse, I deal with all sorts of handicaps every day at work. I spent 8 years caring for the profoundly medically and mentally disabled children. These kids lived on ventilators. The best work I have ever had the honor to do. I am not against disabled people. I fight for them. On this forum I have the tendency to be all about me and my problems. I just think it would be very interesting to read studies on how blind mothers attach and care for their children. Or more specifically legally blind mothers. My mom has said her whole life she wished she could see or not see at all. I like to read research and evidence based care stuff. I am reading Onno van der Hart's The Haunted Self currently. My T said she was impressed I was trying to read his research articles and books. I understand about 1 idea about every third page or so. I keep reading. I have a deep desire to understand. I REALLY enjoy your responses and I so appreciate the time you have taken to SHARE with me. I am trying to sort all of this out in my head and reading does drown out all of the chatter.

My T copied my first journal and said she would do the next one later. I have a lot of info in both of the journals. And since my home study is coming up we have decided not to do any bad memory stuff right now. I am to focus on grounding and self care. I think I should work on therapy outside of therapy so I copied the rest of the journal for her. I hope it helps her sort out my story.