I had SUCH a painful session with T today.

I just really didn't want to be there. I even almost called and cancelled for no reason other than not wanting to go. I wasn't angry or anxious or anything...just hating the idea of therapy.

We just chatted for a while, and I gave him his birthday present (socks that I knitted ) and then it just got quiet. T asked a few questions...could I dip my toe into the hard stuff? Did I not want to go there today? I guess we talked about it some.

And then I remembered I was angry at him earlier this week, because I had e-mailed and called and he was SO slow to respond...and then when he did respond, it wasn't what I needed (I *just* this second remembered that we actually talked on the phone after that. I totally forgot about that in session.). I wasn't angry at him today, and the anger earlier in the week was so short-lived, so I'm not even sure why I brought it up.

He asked me some questions about what the anger meant, what part of me was angry, etc. and I started to feel floaty and just wanted to disconnect from T FOREVER. I totally felt myself shut down. I told him "I am cutting the rope" and made scissor motion in the air between us. I told him "I decided not to need you anymore. It's too painful. I'm done". I wondered if I could be done with therapy...like, if I don't need T, I must be DONE. I told him I wanted to just go ahead and leave, even though session time wasn't over.

T asked if I left right then, what would I feel like? And I said "disconnected"....and started to feel the sadness of my young parts. I realized I don't want to not be connected to T. I hid and said that I'm so scared that I don't matter at all, not even a teeny tiny bit. And that when I was little, I wanted SO BADLY to matter to my parents, and no matter what I did, I didn't matter, and here it was, happening again. I couldn't even breathe...it was just so freaking painful.

I wish I could remember what T was saying. I was hiding and he was talking. His voice was so kind, and soothing, and gentle. He talked for a long time.

I told him to please come sit with me, so he did, and I held his hand and hid and cried. He said that my sadness was right. That it wasn't crazy, or neurotic, or whatever. That it was exactly the right feeling. He said to let the tears be there, because they were supposed to be there. It HURT, physically. Those are the worst times in therapy for me. Worse than the trauma stuff, and the fear and terror that goes with that. Just the deep deep sadness and pain and longing from being unloved. Blah. It hurts to TYPE about it.

I finally couldn't stand it anymore, so I asked him to tell me a story and he did. And I told him a story. Things felt better.

We had a long hug at the end and I thanked him...it was such a strange session, because we ended up so far from where we started...and it hurt...but it felt right, too. Like a step towards healing (I hope). And T told me "you matter".

It's really cold here and T e-mailed me tonight and told me that he's wearing the socks I made for him THAT makes me feel super happy...like a little bit of me is right there with T. And I feel happy that his feet are so warm and toasty

I hope someday I can really internalize SOMETHING that will take this pain away. I have moments...like when T is wearing my socks...when I feel like I matter, and like I can be loved. I wish I could find a way to just hang on to that.

Tree...maybe you are taking the pain away little by little by finally expressing it and shedding the tears. they say that when our psyche changes we internalize it so quickly that we don't notice those changes. If you journaled in the beginning of therapy and went back to read it ...I bet you could see how far you have come and how much you have internalized..

I cried reading your post.. I wish that I mattered to someone too... but I've never been able to say that in therapy or even to manage to share any painful emotions.... Can''t seem to trust anyone that much... that hurts so much.

[seventyeight]

tree,

i love you, and (i hope!) you know it. you do matter (a lot!) to me, and you lessen *my* pain..

like the pain i'm feeling now from a very dissociated session, like yours from what it sounds. so for tonight, i'll imagine your t's feet all warm and cozy, as the image even makes ME feel happy.

thanks for all you do, for all of us (t included).

sleep well,
78

[likewater]

Tree, your story is very sweet and raw and touching. Thank you for posting it. I look forward to reading more of your posts. Something about your post comforted the children inside me and i think i can sleep now. Your T sounds very kind and you are very
brave. Please take care. You are so precious.

[sittingatwatersedge]

I love you, Tree.

I think you did just the right things in your therapy; you DID go to your appointment; you DID go to the hard places, you DIDN'T leave. And T was there for you. You will be processing this internally even if you are not conscious of it.

[elliemay]

One of my all time favorite things that my therapist would do would be to "puff up" at things that he really wanted to emphasize.

In moments where he was saying (and I for the first time was actually hearing) things like:

You matter.
You are a human being
That shame does not belong to you
You most certainly can feel love
I'm not afraid of any of it

He actually would get very animated and "bigger" in my mind's eye. It helped to forge the connection. Like he was superman or something. I guess then, at least for me, visualizing my therapist puffing up and saying those things helped me to hold on to them and him.

The sadness. Wow it is deep isn't it. I think it's also a very sturdy bridge to restarting your life - mourning what you never had.

A lot of people, I think, don't realize how a person can mourn for something they never even knew, but deep down, I think we all know what should have been there, but wasn't. Instinctual longing.

I think as long as you censor nothing, keep going to therapy, do your best to stay in the room when you are there, then you will hold on longer between each session. The feeling of connectedness will come when you need it, and stay even when you don't.

At least that's been my experience.

Take care.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Tree,

Sounds like you went into the session not wanting to be there, a low mood and feeling pretty disconnected. Your Pain was so strong and I am glad your T was there with you through it, it sounds like he know how much pain you are in and the importance of being able to share that with him and feel safe.

It was so lovely of you to knit him a pair of socks, I am sure that took a lot of time and it's a wonderful talent to be able to do that! I bet his toes were lovely and toasty and Its lovely that he emailed to let you know he was enjoying them.

**huge hugs**

xxxx

[WikidPissah]

(((tree))) Wouldn't it be nice if T could be easy and light all the time...wait, but then I would complain about never getting anywhere..lol...You do matter Tree, you matter alot just to me alone. I've never worn sox you've made, but I've gotten my heart lifted by posts and comments from you. I am sorry things are so painful right now. I wish you a silent laugh and lots of peace.

[mixedup_emotions]

Oh (((( TREE )))).....

I can so relate to the feelings you're going through....and how hard it is to hold onto those fleeting moments when you feel like you matter.....I'm so glad you and your T were able to get to a good place by the end of the session, as painful as it was...

((( HUGS )))

[granite1]

tree you do matter a loti cant say how manty times you wisdom has helped mebut i also know that sometimes when things are so hard it is also hard to remember how much good is in you.i hope someday you will be able to see this and live with this and accept all your goodness all the time

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I hope someday I can really internalize SOMETHING that will take this pain away.

The pain will go away once you release it all and this is what you are doing.

Perhaps the pain doesn't need taking away, but being understood. Perhaps the emails didn't feel right because what you really need is to uncover the unconsious material that is causing the pain. Perhaps you just need T to sit with you and give you space to to recover what ever it is that is suppressed?? Sometimes the hand holding is something a friend or relative can do for us, but in therapy we really need to be able to feel our pain.

Originally Posted by earthmamma

Perhaps the pain doesn't need taking away, but being understood. Perhaps the emails didn't feel right because what you really need is to uncover the unconsious material that is causing the pain. Perhaps you just need T to sit with you and give you space to to recover what ever it is that is suppressed?? Sometimes the hand holding is something a friend or relative can do for us, but in therapy we really need to be able to feel our pain.

I do think that understanding is part of what leads to the pain going away...or at least to it getting smaller. I think that's what surprised me about my session...I didn't want to go, and then we just ended up in a place I never expected.

I used to hate silence in therapy, but now I do think I see how it gives me the space to tap into the things I need to deal with/feel in order to heal.

T holding my hand doesn't take my pain away...but it does make it safer to feel it. It helps me feel grounded in the room, like I'm not going to just drift away and get lost in it.

Thank you so much to all of you who responded. There is something so soothing about just being heard and understood.

[seventyeight]

thinkin of ya ((tree))

hope you're doin ok today..

[Wysteria]

Hi Tree...

I know you called it a sad session..and it was in a way..but isn't it wonderful when T's can step in and heal the hurt and nurture the pain and soothe the longings that we didn't even know we had...I'm so glad your littles felt that nurturing and saw how you received it and that you learned how in turn to help nurture them... I think it was a healing session and a great way to cement the bond with your T and your parts and let go of some unmet expectations you may have not even realized you had...

I hope you are holding on to that wonderful feeling of being nurtured because you do matter very much...you have such a wonderful way of touching the hearts and souls of those of us here and intuiting just the right words to help us heal as well... Thanks for being so authentic and loving and courageous..that's the way to true healing in my mind at least...

Huggles,

Wysteria Blue

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by treehouse

T asked if I left right then, what would I feel like? And I said "disconnected"....and started to feel the sadness of my young parts. I realized I don't want to not be connected to T. I hid and said that I'm so scared that I don't matter at all, not even a teeny tiny bit. And that when I was little, I wanted SO BADLY to matter to my parents, and no matter what I did, I didn't matter, and here it was, happening again. I couldn't even breathe...it was just so freaking painful.

This was heartbreaking to read. But it is so good to get it out into the open.