This all stems from my need for "therapy for dummies" an undying need to know what I am getting myself into. I email T regularly and she rarely responds (agreeded upon boundary.) I am having a hard time right now and sent an email that obviously wanted a response. I just needed her to reassure me and she won't do it. Instead she tells me feelings are not facts.

After sitting with this I surmise the following:

So T's Job is to help me reshape how I think about past events while not "getting in the way". Meaning she is not there to comfort and support me for fear I would then just become dependent on her. The rejection intentional, what I perceive as rejection, is her saving myself from me? It's like I ask for assurance but she gives a definition of what I am experiencing. No hand holding here and limited to scheduled sessions only. I perceive that I may be frustrating her, But the process , so in-turn T, are frustrating to me. My mommy issues are sticky and she is very careful to not give me what I seek ... Give an inch take a yard. So is there no relationship to be had then? She is a backboard of translation. So, am I to throw it all at her and she will decipher (with her special T decoder ring..lol) with her training and knowledge from a less emotional place what I have said and help me to realize that those feelings can be soothed by a rethinking of the situation. This "rethinking" is acknowledging the wrongs of others or myself and changing the way I perceive them?
Truth be told I wish T would just "hold my hand" sometimes. She is a wealth of knowledge and I have much respect for her ... I can't help feeling its "me" that stops her from doing so.

Thoughts?

[Perna]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Meaning she is not there to comfort and support me for fear I would then just become dependent on her.

Whoa! You are in therapy to learn for yourself how to better, more comfortably relate to yourself and others in your life. Your T is interested in your comforting and supporting yourself because she believes, has experienced, that that will be helpful to you as you life your life.

A baby learning to self-comfort themselves often, at first, cries themselves to sleep: http://www.babycenter.com/404_how-do...eep_1272921.bc

You cannot learn to do something by someone else doing it for you. It is not that you will become dependent on the other person, you are already dependent on the other person to teach you, help you learn. But if you are set a problem in school and have trouble with doing it, the teacher doesn't say, "there, there, no matter, I'm here" no, they give you more problems like it to do until you understand and can do it more easily. When you can do the problems more easily, you don't feel the feelings of wanting comfort and support. That's another way you can tell when you are progressing, when you don't want the comfort and support you get from you writing emails you will not be writing emails! Don't pay attention to what you want from your T, pay attention to what you want and are doing for you.

Feelings are not a "problem", they are merely information to us about us and others and the world around us. You wanting comfort and support is not wrong or bad or anything, but if you look at the comfort, support and dependency aspect instead of at the problem that makes you want comfort and support, that's like my cat looking at my finger when I point instead of what I'm pointing at.

[ECHOES]

My T does not comfort directly but her presence and guidance are comfort and are things I never had. She does not attempt to give me what I missed because that time has passed. But the needs that remain in me, the adult, can be met. But met in ways that I am discovering as therapy progresses. As I begin to feel better about myself, those needs calm down. Yet I also see that, to some degree, they are universal and common. She likes to point this out even though I balked at that idea at first, because I thought she was saying "you are nothing special" when, in fact, she said she tries to let me know that I am like others, and not the ogre I think I am, who doesn't belong anyplace in the world. So, if I am like others then maybe there is a place for me in the world that includes healthy relationships that include appropriate comforting, nurturing, and caring.

She is okay with dependency to a point and says that all relationships involve some dependency. I now know that she knows how to keep that at a healthy therapeutic level.

Oh my gosh you make me laugh with the comment about the secret decoder ring! I have told my T many times that I want one so I can know what she knows.

I think T is a matrix-maker of connections. With the Third Ear she possesses, she understands the connections of the things I talk about. It is always amazing to me the associations she makes, even if I don't always agree.

Funny thing is, when I was finally able to get through the idealizing which included many secret wishes, I got to a place that feels so comfortable and adult and low-and-behold, I find I am comforted and nurtured and cared for. An amazing process.

Originally Posted by Perna

Whoa! You are in therapy to learn for yourself how to better, more comfortably relate to yourself and others in your life. Your T is interested in your comforting and supporting yourself because she believes, has experienced, that that will be helpful to you as you life your life.

I completely agree. However, there are times when I wish T would " pat me on the head and apply the band-aid" instead of handing me the first aide kit.

I am just having a rough patch right now, this too shall pass.
Thank you for your insight.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

This all stems from my need for "therapy for dummies" an undying need to know what I am getting myself into.

What I've found is that there is no "therapy for dummies" book, although at earlier times I've wished there was. This is because everyone's therapy seems to be so different. Different Ts handle things different ways, based on their training or theoretical approach, or their personality, and also on adapting their default approach to what is most helpful to the specific client. Just as one example, my T has me lead my sessions. I bring up the topics and we talk about what I need to that day. Quite a few Ts follow that model. Other Ts are more directive and have a set topic they want the client to work on that day, in a progression they have worked out ahead of time will be therapeutic for that client. I think both sorts of Ts are competent and well-trained but they sure do approach the session differently. So there is no one right way therapy will happen, so no universal list of 10 bullet points in a therapy for dummies book. Unfortunately.

I hope you get through that rough patch soon. Wishing you well...

The most important thing that I have discovered in this round of therapy is that T has helped me reclaim some of the "lost" parts of myself and thus allowed me to be more engaged and mindful in my life. Some of these parts were lost to trauma that I thought I'd resolved 15 years ago, some were lost to conflict in my marriage, some were lost to mothering my child or over-focusing on my work. By helping me sort through this issues and recover the various parts of myself, I've become a more whole person, with a greater sense of well being and peacefulness.

Anne

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by sunrise

What I've found is that there is no "therapy for dummies" book, although at earlier times I've wished there was. ...

er....
http://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Beha.../dp/0470018380

jk. Sunrise is right, everyone is diferent & everyone's therapy is different.

I too have intense need to know what is going on, how things work, etc, and have found it to be one of the biggest blocks in therapy (e.g., saying "whoa! are you grounding me?" and getting wrapped around needing to be grounded, instead of letting T guide me).

Keep posting Lola, you bring up interesting topics! hope your T is working well for you.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

So T's Job is to help me reshape how I think about past events while not "getting in the way". Meaning she is not there to comfort and support me for fear I would then just become dependent on her. The rejection intentional, what I perceive as rejection, is her saving myself from me? It's like I ask for assurance but she gives a definition of what I am experiencing. No hand holding here and limited to scheduled sessions only. I perceive that I may be frustrating her, But the process , so in-turn T, are frustrating to me. My mommy issues are sticky and she is very careful to not give me what I seek ... Give an inch take a yard. So is there no relationship to be had then?

To answer your last question first, there very definitely is a relationship to be had. A good one, maybe the best relationship you will ever get.

"Will you be my mother?" The answer was both yes and no.

Yes, if you need to think of me as your mother, that's OK. You can even call me Mum if you like. But I'm not the mother the child wants. I'm the mother the adult needs, and no more. I'm your mother within these four walls, nowhere else. I'm your mother during sessions but not outside. I have other patients, and I have a life beyond this room. But when you're here, and within the bounds, I'm yours and yours alone.

My job is to help you grow: not to keep you trapped in childhood but to show you that you can make it as an adult. And you can.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Instead she tells me feelings are not facts.

That's MY T's favorite line too! It's finally sinking in!

[stopdog]

Mine for some reason insists feelings do not need to have a point. So today I would simply say it does not work. It would perhaps work it they knew what they were doing and could explain it.