"dear t, i need to tell you something.... but..."

you don't listen.
you say you are consistant, but that is not my experience of you.
you say you are not my parents (duh), then act like them.
you say we work on things. until i bring them to you. then you say you are simply a 'support person who is safe for me'.

I want to tell you i am isolating. that i don't care any more. that i am suddenly losing new t and have no gas money, and am losing any pretense of "therapy is helpful", but I don't know how. You don't listen. You take my words and translate them differently. I try to fix your words to make them say what I say and I can't. Then we get into an argument and i cry and cry and you say things like "Kiya! It's like I'm killing you!" 4 years later and i still can't get through. I'm tired, t. I'm financially broke. I cancelled my apnt with you for tomorrow because of all of these things.
I don't care
i have no gas money
i'm isolating
i don't want to drive in the thanksgiving traffic
i don't want to talk about how i can't see new t anymore because my ins won't cover her co pay and she told me to get a job to pay her (i'm on dissablity for god's sake).
I don't want to be let down by another t.
I ton't want to talk with you about how i'm not "doing all you can do to get through, kiya." and why my coping skills just got thrown out the window.
i'm tired and i don't care.
I'm not sending you this letter, t.
I AM testing you - for the first time ever - to see if you'll email or call or ask next week why i cancelled and didn't tell you personally.
Since i can't get a straight answer from you, I can't simply ASK you how our 'theraputic relationship' is going right now. Nor can I speak openly and honestly to you when you then put me down, but don't think you're putting me down.
I will have no contact with you (as far as I can see) until next session -another rare thing. See if you notice. See if you take it as it is (isolating, anger, fatigue, stress) and not call it progress (competency, emotional strength, resiliancy).
Happy (not) thanksgiving t.

Aw Kiya- you sound so very, very DONE.

I've definetly been where you are and I know how hard it is to see your way through that darkness. Hang in there- we're all here for you- and we care about you and want really abdly for you to be happy.

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Sometimes I want to say, "If I was as rich as you, I wouldn't need therapy!"

Dear T.. It was such an intense session last night doing the inner-child work. I was shaking and crying the whole time. You were very supportive through the session, but towards the end I felt very slighted. I barely had time to get my body to stop trembling and ground myself before you were asking me "If I am Ok to walk out of here and drive home" I can respect that the session time was up, but I guess I can't understand how you can just throw your clients out when they are in that state,and just send them on their way. You are a great therapist and you have been very patient. Lately though, I have an undying fear that I'm losing you or that you are tired of my case. You told me last night to reach out if needed, so I text you today because I was still so off base from our session last night. In your response I needed you to tell me more than "Be Gentle with yourself". I will admit my text back to you was rude when I told you I was hoping for a little more and that I'll figure it out in DBT Group-as I'm sure there is a long list of skills I can use. You didn't respond. Anyway, I'm not sorry for my text, that's just where I was at in the moment. Sometimes I need a little more than a very general answer. You blew me off. Don't tell me to reach out, if its a bother when I do. I can tell you are starting to be slightly less engaging. Maybe I'll just go back to never contacting you between sessions. I'm disappointed T. You were the one T that was able to break through my wall and now I feel like I'm slowly but surely going to lose you before I'm ready.

Thou has hit upon it. I am so done!! thanks for hearing me. Always helps - means it's not just ME not making any sense. *whew*.
hugs back.

Yup. i get that too "be gentle with yourself". uh huh. "i'll have my phone on"... uh huh... but when i DO call, you say "I can't take calls in the middle of the night, Kiya. If you need help, go to the hospital." Gee thanks. For one thing, I've never called past 11pm and i know you're up because I see you on the internet. For another, the hosp really can't help unless one is sui. So there is no point giving them to me as an option. Why give me options when they are not real options?
Yours truly, Disgruntled Kiya

and... last message i sent her was really importnat - she didn't get back to me.

That said -she just passed my test. She called. I have no idea what she said because I am still on the line with the ins.... but just seeing her called in brought a smile to me. I still can't tell her any of the things i wrote in here, but I do feel minutely better that she at least cares enough to recognize when i do something that is unusual for me.

update: heard t's message, was concerned, said call me. I did call, left her a message... no reply past time when she'd call. emailed further because in the message i'd left i got choked up and couldn't say all that needed to. so i told her about my finances and my stress level and how i can't "stratigize" when i'm stressed this badly.
She wrote back "I am sorry it is so hard. I understand why you cannot come. Thanks for letting me know. "
simple. done. hurts. feelings hurt. walling off my heart felt better.