I think I figured something out

I had a session scheduled for Monday, 3 weeks since my last. T wasn't at his office when I arrived. I sat on the floor in the hall and he called after 25 minutes and said he'd be there in another 20 minutes. (He had messed up on the time and thought our session was supposed to start later than it was.) He said our session would have to be a half hour shorter than planned as he had another client coming. After we hung up I just felt I don't want to wait another 20 minutes. I don't want a short session. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be with T today. I had two big assignments due the next day and was stressed about those and felt like I was wasting time sitting in a hallway. So I called T back (he didn't answer) and left a message saying I had changed my mind, I had a ton of stuff to do, and I couldn't wait any longer.

I was frustrated and annoyed with him, because he makes lots of scheduling snafus, in my opinion. Not again, I'm so sick of this! was my feeling.

But in addition to feeling that frustration, it also felt good to not wait for him, even though one might say well you're only hurting yourself by not having your session. It felt good! I'm usually very accommodating with people and easygoing, but this time I wasn't. I felt bad for the conflict but good I hadn't stuck around. I am not used to feeling good about things like this. Maybe others will get this immediately but not me.

Today it came to me why it felt good. My marriage, which T helped me end, was quite empty of good feelings. My ex-husband was very withholding of emotions and never said any words of affection to me or touched me (unless he wanted sex). If I reached out to touch him or hold his hand, etc., he pulled away. He also talked little to me. I felt like any small gesture of affection or communication from him was something I had to be grateful for. I felt like a dog making do on the scraps he deigned to infrequently toss my way.

When T called me and said he would be 45 minutes late but he would be able to give me a shortened session, I think that is how I felt. T was tossing me this scrap of a session--late and short--and I had jolly well better be damn glad he was offering me this. When I changed my mind and called him back to reject his offer and tell him I was leaving, I think it felt so good because of never saying that to my husband. T's offer of a substandard session is not something I had to accept. I don't want that bad feeling of "I only get scraps" to be present in our relationship. I have told T that I don't think I would ever allow myself to be in a relationship like the one I had with my husband again. He applauded that. But those were just words. I think my reaction to T's screw-up actually demonstrates that this might be true. Maybe I have changed.

Good for you!

It happens a lot in abusive relationships-- I call it subsisting on crumbs rather than cake-- when people ask why does she stay, part of the answer has to do with the crumbs of kindness and connection that are handed out. When you're starving, crumbs look and taste really good. They lull you into believing that it's enough.

It's not really different in relationships where there isn't abuse, but the relationship is not really so good for us. I think most of us have stayed in a relationship that wasn't so good for us for longer than we should have. Once we realize that the crumbs aren't good enough, it's easy to walk away. We hold out for cake.

I think that you have solid evidence that you have changed. A short session and a substantial wait, especially when you have stuff to do, is lousy crumbs. Recognizing this and walking away is HUGE.

Celebrate with some cake

Anne

awsome sun that is great.way to go.

(((((((((((((((( snny )))))))))))))) this is great work! I am so glad you were able to find the diamond in this pile of shiitake mushrooms!!!

ya know, I don't get this...
you are a client of considerable longstanding. T knows how hard it is, with your schedule, to carve out time when you can see him.
Now, aAfter a 3 week interval, and especially after making you wait 25 minutes, he asks you to hang around another 20, and then he will give you a shortened session? this seems pretty cold.

You are not me by a long shot (I know, count yr blessings) but what woud be echoing in my head is... why would the next client's hour (needs) be so sacrosanct, but not mine? Why wouldn't T offer to work through lunch, say, or work late, and give me the session i had planned on for 3 wks?

good for you, sunrise!!

Like 3rdTimes said, that's the message in the book (and movie) A Tree Grows In Brooklyn. The mother gives her sixteen yr old daughter a cup of coffee with cream ever morning, the girl takes a sip and dumps the rest out. Gramma or somebody comes to visit and criticizes this horrible waste. The mother says yes they are poor, but she wants her daughter to FEEL like she has more than enough of SOMETHING, that she has SO MUCH that she CAN throw it away, so she is not always desperate. This scene in the book REALLY hit me hard. And that's what this scene with your T was, and mine a couple of weeks ago when he suggested I come in on Saturday to make up a time he double booked me, and at first I said yes, but then I called back and said no when I asked myself what I REALLY wanted, who was the boss of me?! Anyway, don't it feel good? This really is a big change! You don't have to push for it, or try for it - it's just THERE telling you how you feel! I love how that happens!

Wow it was so good to read this - it sounds like change is possible - thank-you so much for sharing this - Soup

i KNOW you figured something out.

I think what you figured out is very insightful. I would discuss it with T

Sunrise, this is AWESOME!!!! You are spot on! You don't have to take what you feel is not whole. You DESERVE better! You deserve respect! You should be very proud of yourself. And I actually suspect your T will be proud of you as well ;-)

Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies and support. I had a long day today and am just now seeing your responses. Thank you! I am still feeling good about how things worked out. Today, after several days of phone tag I was finally able to reschedule my appointment with T for next week. So I'm feeling good that is settled too.

Thank you for saying that, 3TTC. I think it is HUGE too! It feels really good to have kept the "scraps" dynamic from entering my relationship with T. It makes me feel proactive instead of reactive. I am safeguarding myself and our relationship too. It actually made me feel like I have a lot of power in the relationship. I'm not sure I saw that before.

I don't really think about the power imbalance of T, but it makes a lot of sense to me that walking away from the scraps would increase your sense of your own power. I suppose that we are really always in charge, because we choose to come or not, every day. We can choose to come or not, every time. It is our power to exercise as we wish.

Anne

I don't know his reasons. It was toward the end of the day and he offered this to me on the fly from his car while en route. I did specifically ask when his next appointment after mine started. My reaction was to not accept what he offered so I think I sent a strong message that this was not OK. SAWE, I am glad I am satisfied with my reaction and don't have thoughts echoing in my head about the things you wrote. What T offered me was a 45 minute appointment, whereas we had been scheduled for 90 minutes. That was not what I waited 3 weeks for. We meet infrequently with longer sessions because we've found that with such long intervals, short sessions are ineffective and unsatisfying. When he called to tell me when he would arrive, he seemed surprised I had a longer session scheduled, which seemed like BS to me (we haven't had a short session in many moons) and probably helped push me to decide to leave. Maybe some people used to standard length sessions would think what he offered was OK, but a short session was not what I signed up for.

After I called and left him the message that I was leaving, he called me back a little while later while I was on the road and couldn't get my phone and left a message. His apology was pretty special and I like having it on my phone. I've listened to it a few times. He had dropped the "I didn't know you had a short appt" stuff and was very authentic and took complete responsibility. I've always felt my relationship with my T was very real, but when I heard that message and the tone in his voice--well, if there ever was any doubt, I now have auditory evidence to the contrary. Anyway, we'll talk about this next week, I'm sure.

For me, it wasn't so much the imbalance of therapy, as I've considered my T relationship pretty reciprocal, but I guess the sense of power in any relationship. I don't think I had that in my marriage or have really seen how to have it with anyone. Like, I haven't understood how to hold boundaries in a relationship. (I set them, but am not able to keep people from walking all over them and don't know to react to maintain them.) So this was a big step for me. I think this may have been a way to maintain boundaries and I did it!

Yes! I felt really strongly that I had to leave T's office and not wait further for him. It's like in my gut I knew what I should do and I listened to that. I like knowing there is a voice inside that knows... I am often too cerebral and rational and don't listen to my innards.

I loved the analogy of the coffee in A Tree Grows In Brooklyn. Thanks.

Yeh.... me too.