[Chopin99]

I emailed my T about everything I am feeling inside. I was completely and utterly honest about everything I'm going through and how hard it is for me to open up. Will she read it? Of course. Will she respond to it? Who knows? I was honest that I even told her I wanted her to respond but did not expect her to. Truly leaves it in her court. That was kinda big for me. I am going to open up Thursday. I have to trust it's the right thing to do. Nervous as hell, but I'm going to do it. Dammit.

[roads]

You SAY "Dammit," but you ACT .
Stick with "Yahoo!"

p.s. I concur, !

[pbutton]

Great job! Congrats on getting it out there!

[Chopin99]

Here is the email in all its glory. I'm hoping posting it might help someone else if they are having trouble opening up:

T,

I am sorry, but this is going to be long. I have been trying not to send you long emails because I sincerely don't want to monopolize your time. I do not intend to take out my frustrations on you, but I must put things in perspective. Now. For my sake. Please just read and try to understand. I'm opening up; you've been wanting me to open up and I WILL open up in session Thursday. I need to talk to you now though and this is the only way I can do it. Once I send it, it's in your hands; respond or wait, pray or don't...it's up to you and what you can/will do. Just please read it.

Our careers parallel each other's. When I am working; I'm doing a job, my clients are doing a life. When you are working; you are doing a job, your clients are doing a life. I make mistakes in my job, a client's life is affected. You make mistakes in your job, a client's life is affected. You are lucky that your clients can tell you how they are affected. A great deal of guesswork comes into play with my clients. My clients cannot tell me outright I have affected them; but it may come out in a myriad of behaviors ranging from aggression to self-injury to depression to catatonia. However, they wear their emotions on their sleeves. One problem with the "average, above-average, gifted" level of the MH/MI population that you deal with in your practice is that we can fake it. Really well sometimes.

I've had a great deal of time to reflect since our session last Tuesday because I've been out of work and cannot really get out. The trip to the urologist this morning is the first time I have been out of the house since I last saw you. Doing my homework and thinking about all the people I need to forgive brings it all back and makes me feel just as crazy as I was when I first sought help seven years ago. I'm no better than I was then. Why? Everything is coming to the surface that I've shoved down all these years. I've actually been worse for several months than I've let on, even to you...you've seen glimpses, but not everything. Why? Because I'm a people pleaser. I want you to approve of me. I want you to think I'm doing well, even when I'm not. I try to earn love, even though I know it shouldn't be earned. It's one big facade that is cascading down all around me and there is no purpose in trying to hide things from you; your job is to help me. I worry when I go back to work on Wednesday, I won't be able to hide it. When I was sending you all those emails before (when you were recovering from chemo and tachycardia) was when I was starting to crack and it showed at work. Luckily, I've had a lot of time off and been able to suck it up and pretend while I'm there...when all I've wanted to do is curl up in a ball in my bed and hug myself and rock and cry with the covers over my head.

There are certain disorders I have been diagnosed with previously that you say you just don't see in me; and I think that's true. However, I have many borderline traits (abandonment issues, no clear self-identity, valuation/devaluation) and my OCD has flared up of late (rumination to the point DBT strategies are not working). Depression and anxiety you know are there. The borderline traits have to go. The borderline kicks in and starts the OCD which makes me depressed and anxious. What I need from you is reassurance that even though I am not okay right now that it won't always be this way. That this time it will be different. My previous two attempts at therapy just chipped away at the real problems and helped me shove it all down. I'm trying to do things the right way this time; not taking the easy road, but following the hard path...trusting God for healing by re-opening those old wounds to Him and myself and you and allowing them to heal the right way instead of bandaging them so that the underlying infection festers and remains. I want to love God, others, and myself without needing anything in return. I have a huge capacity to love and people have always taken advantage of that; in school, church, my family, my friends, and my job. I have a big heart; I think you've at least picked up on that.

I have to start advocating for my own healing...and that involves risk. I had not been reading my devotions the past few days, so I started this morning on December 9th and I realized there was actually a God-given purpose for me not reading the devotions; I was not ready to hear it until today. "Be willing to go out on a limb with Me. If that is where I am leading you, it's the safest place to be. Your desire for a risk-free life is a form of unbelief. Your longing to live close to Me is at odds with your attempts to minimize risk. You are approaching a crossroads in your journey. In order to follow Me wholeheartedly, you must relinquish your tendency to play it safe." It was as if He spoke audibly.

Do I want you to respond to this email? Of course I do. Do I expect you to respond to this email? Of course not. I already know what I'm going to do in session Thursday and it's going to be really hard for me. First time I've tried to open up to anyone in two years. The last time I opened up (with emails much like this one), the sentiment was returned with a slap in the face (the old teacher and the restraining order threat over the emails). This time I trust that God has sent me the right person to open up to. I just wish it didn't hurt so damn much.

Thanks for listening,
Chopin

[Chopin99]

TMI? Triggers? I'm new so PLEASE let me know if this is TMI!!!

[hopefultoday]

Wow Chopin! I relate to so much of what you say. I do a lot of that too. I hope you are able to open up on Thursday. That's when I go to T also. I need to open up too. Good luck!

[rainbow8]

I think your email is very honest and direct. It's not TMI at all. You can use it to help you during your session on Thursday. Good luck!

[roads]

NOT TMI. BUT TMI for one session! You knew that, tho.
You will have an amazing session Thursday. Don't be scared.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by hopefultoday

Wow Chopin! I relate to so much of what you say. I do a lot of that too. I hope you are able to open up on Thursday. That's when I go to T also. I need to open up too. Good luck!

I'll ride in your pocket if you'll ride in mine!

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I think your email is very honest and direct. It's not TMI at all. You can use it to help you during your session on Thursday. Good luck!

Good Lord and I don't even plan to talk much about the email on Thursday, but I might not have a choice...lol!

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by roadrunnerbeepbeep

NOT TMI. BUT TMI for one session! You knew that, tho.
You will have an amazing session Thursday. Don't be scared.

It's hard not to be scared. I'm only allowing myself to check my email every 30 minutes to see if she replies. She probably won't though. I just have to remember what she's told me about assumptions: don't make them. Stick to the facts.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Here is the email in all its glory. I'm hoping posting it might help someone else if they are having trouble opening up:
...

It's all so clear and logical and well thought out. My T hates it when I talk like that!

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

It's all so clear and logical and well thought out. My T hates it when I talk like that!

Actually, my T is pretty cerebral. She focuses less on the existential and more on the practical. I think that's why we work well together. She also sees us a little more as equals since we work in the same field; she as a master's level LPC seeing MH/MI adults in private practice, me as a bachelor's level program director (case manager) for MR/DD/MI adults in a group home setting. I've actually considered getting my master's one day and becoming a T myself if I ever get out of therapy. That's actually the path my T followed. She's in her mid-50's and only been in practice 5 years. She started out as a paralegal and went through the therapy process herself at my age (mid-30's), then got her master's and went into private practice. She said she could see me doing it and to ask her any questions I had about becoming one myself. I'm just a bit more screwed up than she originally thought (but she knows it now).

My husband (absolutely, completely left-brained) said the email was great, but I still didn't open up. He said she's probably thinking, "it's all well and good in an email, but look me in the face and tell me." He's probably right. But now that I've sent it, I have peace about it and I know what I'm going to do Thursday.

[delicatefade26]

Wow great job on sending that email!!! I wonder if she will respond? If not at least you are prepared for Thursday!!

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

Wow great job on sending that email!!! I wonder if she will respond? If not at least you are prepared for Thursday!!

She hasn't replied and I don't think she will. She would prefer me to tell her these things in session, but I actually plan to go even deeper in session...and I keep trying to picture myself looking her right in the eye and doing it.

Hopefully she won't look at me like this: