I am stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.

I had to terminate therapy today, because I wasn't safe on an outpatient basis doing trauma work. It kept triggering a very suicidal alter. And my therapist basically said if I wasn't safe, we couldn't do it.

So I offered to my team yesterday that I would start trauma work in a trauma unit. I've never been on one before, but I assume it would offer me the same types of therapy, but in a more safe setting?

My psychiatrist drags me in his office afterward and hints on the fact that maybe my memories never existed and "why do I have to recover them". I understand what he's saying, but I spent how many years NOT recovering them and that sure didn't work out for me. Starting to recover them at least let me see to the end of the tunnel, but there are a lot A LOT of hurdles in the way.

I told the entire team, before meeting with him. "I am not continuing therapy on an outpatient basis. I am not safe and I am not risking my life for it". I don't really want to discuss in detail about that. But we'll just say consistent suicidal risk.

He didn't want me to go to a trauma unit. So I told him "then I have to stop therapy". He told me that was a bad idea. But then what does he want from me? I'm not safe discussing the trauma. The reason I'm seeing the therapist is for trauma?

What can I do? I don't feel safe doing trauma work outpatient. It's not even a feeling, it's a fact, but my psychiatrist thinks I shouldn't go to a trauma program to keep me safe. So then is it just okay to stay like this? I mean I can't work. I have no social life. I have constant anxiety, social phobias, panic attacks. I attempt suicide at least once every two years or so. I sleep 16 hours a day. No medication on this god given earth helps me. We have already come to that realization. I do better on less medications. So I don't really know what to do... I don't know how to help myself anymore.

I am kicking and screaming. So many parts of me, after years of not doing this, just wanted to self harm to get them to listen to me about how distressed I am. I haven't done that in years. Since I was a teenager and it was all I knew how to communicate with. But I just want them to understand. No matter how much I write, or talk they just don't get it. It's really sad that my therapist, she did get it and I had to terminate with her... Not okay. I am really disappointed. I've spent 3 months with this lady and she understood more then the rest of my team who I've been with for three years.

Maybe my communication is inefficient. How can I make them understand.

[sunrise]

What can I do? I don't feel safe doing trauma work outpatient.

Don't do trauma work right now, then. It seems kind of extreme to quit therapy and lose that important part of your support system. Just because you don't work on trauma in therapy right now doesn't mean you have to give up going to therapy. How about just telling your T that you don't want to do trauma work right now? Together the two of you could work on increasing your feeling of safety in therapy and building up your coping mechanisms. That is really valuable work for therapy! Trauma work can be very intense and it's OK to put it on hold while you work on other things in therapy. But don't ditch your T. T can provide support and more. You say your T understood a lot about you after only 3 months. Great! Don't throw that away.

[growlycat]

Maybe your T doesn't want to ignore your trauma work, but wants to focus first on day to day coping? My t said that working on the hardest stuff is like running a marathon-- you have to be mentally and physically up for it. I think that means being in a place where you feel supported enough to ask for help, feeling connected to your T and others, as well as being rested, excercising (sp!) routinely and eating right.

If you feel so overwhelmingly bad, try to ask your t to back off the topic. I agree there is plenty to do in therapy, first of all, some relief from the pain! Yes, it can be done without hitting the core issues right away.

Yea, that would be ideal, except that she's a trauma specialist and she insists we work on trauma stuff. She said she was confused why I came if I didn't want to work on trauma. I've done all the other therapy stuff. CBT, family dynamics, etc. Everything else falls under trauma. That and all my alters feel comfortable with her, so it usually lands in us all freaking out and wanting to talk. Since we have no one else and haven't for years.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.

I had to terminate therapy today, because I wasn't safe on an outpatient basis doing trauma work. It kept triggering a very suicidal alter. And my therapist basically said if I wasn't safe, we couldn't do it.

So I offered to my team yesterday that I would start trauma work in a trauma unit. I've never been on one before, but I assume it would offer me the same types of therapy, but in a more safe setting?

My psychiatrist drags me in his office afterward and hints on the fact that maybe my memories never existed and "why do I have to recover them". I understand what he's saying, but I spent how many years NOT recovering them and that sure didn't work out for me. Starting to recover them at least let me see to the end of the tunnel, but there are a lot A LOT of hurdles in the way.

I told the entire team, before meeting with him. "I am not continuing therapy on an outpatient basis. I am not safe and I am not risking my life for it". I don't really want to discuss in detail about that. But we'll just say consistent suicidal risk.

He didn't want me to go to a trauma unit. So I told him "then I have to stop therapy". He told me that was a bad idea. But then what does he want from me? I'm not safe discussing the trauma. The reason I'm seeing the therapist is for trauma?

What can I do? I don't feel safe doing trauma work outpatient. It's not even a feeling, it's a fact, but my psychiatrist thinks I shouldn't go to a trauma program to keep me safe. So then is it just okay to stay like this? I mean I can't work. I have no social life. I have constant anxiety, social phobias, panic attacks. I attempt suicide at least once every two years or so. I sleep 16 hours a day. No medication on this god given earth helps me. We have already come to that realization. I do better on less medications. So I don't really know what to do... I don't know how to help myself anymore.

I am kicking and screaming. So many parts of me, after years of not doing this, just wanted to self harm to get them to listen to me about how distressed I am. I haven't done that in years. Since I was a teenager and it was all I knew how to communicate with. But I just want them to understand. No matter how much I write, or talk they just don't get it. It's really sad that my therapist, she did get it and I had to terminate with her... Not okay. I am really disappointed. I've spent 3 months with this lady and she understood more then the rest of my team who I've been with for three years.

Maybe my communication is inefficient. How can I make them understand.

wow i been in therapy for a yr for depression but diagnosed with borderline ptsd trauma and gen anxiety i just started trauma work and my t says just only if and when i am ready and she keeps asking me if i am alright and only allows me like 15 min to discuss it she knows i have suicidal tendencies and i self injure so she knows its triggering also if she sees i am in too much discomfort she will stop and then wind me down. you should not quit therapy but maybe u r not ready to discuss trauma i think your pdoc should not have said what he said about your memories but its just my oppinion, dont quit therapy, sending u hugs

Well this therapist is really pushy. She acts like if I'm not able to do trauma work, that I'm not trying hard enough. I thought she was just challenging me, but maybe she's pushing too hard.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

Well this therapist is really pushy. She acts like if I'm not able to do trauma work, that I'm not trying hard enough. I thought she was just challenging me, but maybe she's pushing too hard.

I agree. T pushed me once and I had to tell her in no uncertain terms in the next session to STOP. Now she says, "Take your time."

IMHO, considering your symptomology, you need to work on coping skills first before doing the trauma work. I'm a lowly case manager, but I think your T is off base pushing you before giving you the tools to handle it.

Is there anyone else you can see?

Wow, I don't think anyone should do trauma work unless/until they have the coping skills to deal with it. She sounds pushy to me.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Don't do trauma work right now, then. It seems kind of extreme to quit therapy and lose that important part of your support system. Just because you don't work on trauma in therapy right now doesn't mean you have to give up going to therapy. How about just telling your T that you don't want to do trauma work right now? Together the two of you could work on increasing your feeling of safety in therapy and building up your coping mechanisms. That is really valuable work for therapy! Trauma work can be very intense and it's OK to put it on hold while you work on other things in therapy. But don't ditch your T. T can provide support and more. You say your T understood a lot about you after only 3 months. Great! Don't throw that away.

I agree. If you have a trusting relationship with someone who listens and has stood by you, that's worth keeping. If you say, "I'm not coping well with trauma work right now, can we come back to it later?", I don't see how your T can refuse.

[eskielover]

I'm a little confused at your situation & why in the world your psychistrist doesn't communicate with your trauma T especially since his comment is:

My psychiatrist drags me in his office afterward and hints on the fact that maybe my memories never existed and "why do I have to recover them". I understand what he's saying,

You even understand what he is saying so there must be something more to it. I really think that your pdoc & T need to get together & make some plans on REALLY HELPING YOU with what you real problem is.

I don't have alters but can understand how difficult trauma is to deal with in outpatient setting. It was the year after the trauma I went through with the home care person when my mother was dying of cancer. I got in 2 rear end accidents within 30 minutes when I tried to drive home the first day......I realized how totally messed up I really was & it was scary.

It does sound like you have a lot going on inside that stopping therapy wouldn't be a good idea......the thing is that you have to learn how to be safe & care for yourself before you can delve into the things that will cause you to challenge your care for yourself.....I would think that a good trauma T would know how to prepare their client for the more difficult work & not just force them to jump in & destroy themselves......definitely need a coordination between T & psychiatrist.

[ECHOES]

^^^^

[Luce]

I also agree that ground work needs be done before delving into trauma work. The trauma Ts I have worked with have always stressed the need for system communicaton, cooperation and self soothing skills to be worked on and developed first. If trauma work destabilizes so much that negative coping skills such as self harm or su threats or ideation occur then trauma work should be stopped immediately. One can not heal from trauma if the therapy itself causes more trauma!
I too suggest you go back to your t and suggest you work on developing other skills like system communication and self soothing skills first. Even if you went now to search for memories in a 'secure setting' such as a hospital I fear you may do more harm than good. Maybe that is what your therapists fear too.

Thank you all for the comments. The T ended up terminating because I didn't feel safe, so our only option is to put on a trauma unit.

Originally Posted by eskielover

I'm a little confused at your situation & why in the world your psychistrist doesn't communicate with your trauma T especially since his comment is:

I understood what he was saying like some people do have false memories. My doctor doesn't believe in DID or repressed memories. So I understood him, because I know he doesn't believe in it. He just have to give me meds, otherwise I ask him to stay out of it.

The reason both providers have two total separate stories is because they are both seeing and responding to different alters. This is how it's always been for me. When I am with him a denial alter takes over, she helps to protect us because otherwise being called a liar to your face isn't fun.

Different treatment providers see different parts of me. My eating disorder team probably wouldn't even recognize who I appear to be in front of my general psych team.

[googley]

I don't understand your (now-ex) T. Part of trauma therapy is building coping skills to allow you to deal with the trauma. If talking about the trauma is destabilizing, then it means that you need to go back to working on coping skills. If you want to continue working with this T, maybe you could present it as that you want to work on coping skills so that you can return to working on the trauma stuff. It is all interrelated. I hope you find the support you need.

What does the rest of your team (outside your pdoc) think about the idea of a trauma unit?

[amandalouise]

just wanted to say I saw your posting in the dissociative disorders board about you will be going inpatient with in the next two weeks. I wish you well during your stay inpatient, I hope the outcome during your inpatient stay is what you are looking for. keep in touch if you can.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

My doctor doesn't believe in DID or repressed memories. So I understood him, because I know he doesn't believe in it. He just have to give me meds, otherwise I ask him to stay out of it.

Why would you keep going to a doctor who doesn't belive in DID????

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Why would you keep going to a doctor who doesn't belive in DID????

I know your question was for lydia but since I have gone through having to see doctors that didnt believe in some disorders thought I would give an answer to help some understand.

for me I had to see doctors that didnt believe in some mental disorders / problems I had because

I was a minor and my parents made that decision
the court made that decision when my parents prosecuted my abuser
A community agency was paying the bill and they only paid for mental health treatment to one agency.
I had to see who ever was covered by my insurance plan.
I had to see who ever was covered by my wife's insurance plan.

I am not always lucky enough to have enough money to pay for my mental health care out of my own pocket.

I also know some people who have to see treatment providers that they dont like or the treatment provider does not believe in some mental disorders because they are in a "program". There are many different mental health and physical health programs in america for people who need extra help with their daily life. such as AA, NA, Adult foster care, Assisted living centers, retirement communities, Rehabilitation Services, County mental health, Treatment centers..... there's so many different Services here in America that come in the form of a "Program"

when you are in a "Program" type living or treatment situation you can only see the treatment providers that work with in that "Program Agency"

in a perfect world everyone would be able to afford to and be able to see the treatment providers that they want and need to. but unfortunately we dont live in a perfect world. some people end up not being as lucky as others when it comes to health care options. They do what they can with what they have and in some cases that means seeing treatment providers that dont believe in some mental disorders.