[SoupDragon]

About 18 months ago my T told me to keep turning up for sessions even if he turned "all bad" in my mind. I had no idea what he was on about, I liked him, felt he understood me and could never envisage feeling anything but positive about him.

Now I know I am pushing him away, I feel distant, he seems unfamiliar and I feel very defensive towards him. I wondered if this is what he meant when he said that statement all that time ago - is this him turning bad in my mind?

Of course I should discuss this with him right? But I am just feeling confused and my head is telling me if I did raise it, he would just tell me what he thinks I want to hear - how do I get out of this - I feel I have created a no win situation for him.

I just wondered if anyone else had ever experienced anything like this and if so what you did. Thank-you Soup

[KazzaX]

Yeah it happens every week for me, lol.

But i keep going back... I have no idea why but i keep going back. I think they want to discuss it in the next session and explore it and whatnot. Apparently its supposed to be very important in therapy to do this. Not sure why, but I have read it many times.

[ECHOES]

It used to happen to me every week. Any good feelings would slowly slip away and I would actually have a mental picture of T where she was angry, and a few times sitting in a different place that she actually had been. It was a long time that I suffered with that, eventually getting to a place where I understood it was my mind doing that for some reason, and that the reason was something to learn about because that reason is about me.

Going back each time was something my T encouraged also.
But even more, it was something I was committed to for myself. Because I had been in therapy before a few times and had found reasons to just stop going. As a result I wasn't helped as much as I could have been. THIS time, I resolved to not do that, to go when I didn't want to. Still I needed her encouragement, part of which was to once tell me to "Trust the process" when I couldn't trust anything else. That was really helpful, as well as wonderful people here on PC who also would encourage me to go even when I was feeling discouraged or too frightened to go.

I think it's really really interesting how the mind works, how it can distort reality all by itself and confuse the heck out of us! lol

[SoupDragon]

Part of me tells me to bring this up with T, but as I have difficulites even talking about everyday stuff with him, know that would be so hard for me. I am also worried that what I am experiencing means that we need to stop working together and that I need to find another T and I don't think that is what I want either - so I am concerned that if I shared this, T would sayd just that "Sounds like we have done all we can together we need to find another T for you". I am already a bit anxious that this is on his mind as he has said things recently that stick in my mind. Like when I was wanting a break he said that it was his opinion that I should carry on with therapy with someone and if I didn't want to work with him he would help me find someone else. Also just before Xmas he said again if I wanted to work with someone else, like a female T, then he would help me fidn one. So in my mind he is saying that he doesn't want to work with me anymore, but is concerned about sharing that and therefore being seen to "reject" me so he is hinting so that the idea can come from me.

So that is the confused all over the place anxious bit - the rational bit says I don't know any of this to be true unless I check it out with him. How excruciating!

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I am concerned that if I shared this, T would sayd just that "Sounds like we have done all we can together we need to find another T for you". I am already a bit anxious that this is on his mind as he has said things recently that stick in my mind.

((((((SoupDragon))))))

T definitely definitely used to turn "all bad" in my mind. And I would say, looking back, that if anything, it moved my therapy FORWARD. Just talking about how I felt and not being rejected was so huge and healing. In fact, telling T about those feelings and still be accepted and cared for and listened to went a long way towards helping me feel safe enough to talk about harder stuff.

I think the fact that T told you to keep showing up if he turns "all bad" shows that it's expected, it's part of therapy, and it's not a reason you would be sent away.

It sounds like you're doing good work!

I do understand what you're experiencing, Soupdragon. It's something that I have struggled with a lot in therapy. I have learned to look at it this way: I seek out therapy to improve my relationships and gain insight into my emotional difficulties. I begin to draw closer to my therapist in that the connection or attachment begins to happen. I view her in a positive "good" light. But then, the closeness of the relationship, the deepening intimacy (ie, she begins to see the "real" me and all the good and all the bad inside of me) scares me and triggers my need to distance myself from her. This is when I usually start talking about needing to take a break or that I'm not "doing therapy right" and probably not be "in therapy". My therapist begins to discuss these issues with me, giving me space to explore my desire to push her away. She encourages me to stay but also expresses her understanding of my need to pull back and pace things a little differently . .. or to even leave for a bit. She has always always told me that her door will remain open should I decide to leave.

This is when my mind begins to turn her to bad! As I obsess about our conversations, I begin to put words into her mouth, twist what she has said to find the true, underlying meaning of what she has been saying to me. I begin to distort and twist her gentle efforts to give me control of my own therapy into words that mean that she's gotten tired of me and truly wishes that I would leave. In a way, I give myself permission to interprete what she is saying to fit my "old script" that everyone in my life who gets to know the true me wouldn't want to be with me and they are going to reject me. It's my way of leaving and having a darn good reason to leave because "that therapist doesn't know what the heck she's talking about and she is actually glad I'm leaving!" or if I'm not in a true hateful mood, I would leave by saying that I was doing her a favor because no one should have to put up with a screw up like me. I don't know if that's what's going on for you, but it's how I have disconnected when I got overwhelmed by the therapy relationship.

I encourage you to go back and talk what you feel about the relationship. Talk about your therapist "turning bad" in your head and how you have been thinking about his comments have actually validated (in your own head) the belief that he'd be glad to be rid of you. This is important infomation!

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((SoupDragon))))))

T definitely definitely used to turn "all bad" in my mind. And I would say, looking back, that if anything, it moved my therapy FORWARD. Just talking about how I felt and not being rejected was so huge and healing. In fact, telling T about those feelings and still be accepted and cared for and listened to went a long way towards helping me feel safe enough to talk about harder stuff.

I think the fact that T told you to keep showing up if he turns "all bad" shows that it's expected, it's part of therapy, and it's not a reason you would be sent away.

It sounds like you're doing good work!

Thanks treehouse - it is just so odd how my brain twists things, I am about to go to work to manage a team of people and that doesn't phase me at all - I feel clear, together, adult - but then when I think of T I feel like some hysterical, weak, crazy person. I almost wish for T to be a fly on the wall when I am at work, so that he knows I do have another capable side. Although I still have the 10 foot high walls and pack of wolves with me even at work.

[granite1]

yes i believe i do this and am in the middle of doing this now.i do find it confusing and hard to keep going to T.my instinct is to just quit because she hates me and i feel horrible about it and she is mean and on and on.this week it is going to be really hard to go to T but i feel i owe her a chance to not be all bad.i really do know what else to say exsept yes i do this big time

[granite1]

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((SoupDragon))))))

T definitely definitely used to turn "all bad" in my mind. And I would say, looking back, that if anything, it moved my therapy FORWARD. Just talking about how I felt and not being rejected was so huge and healing. In fact, telling T about those feelings and still be accepted and cared for and listened to went a long way towards helping me feel safe enough to talk about harder stuff.

I think the fact that T told you to keep showing up if he turns "all bad" shows that it's expected, it's part of therapy, and it's not a reason you would be sent away.

It sounds like you're doing good work!

what if T turns all bad and you share this and you dont still feel cared for?this is what i am so scared about also.T will say that she isnt the person i think she is and maybe i am right and it is time to stop T.i have the worst time feeling cared for by anyone. my T has said that she thinks i am so hurt by something that i cant see anyone as caring at all that i turn it all around
__________________

[eclogite]

This definitely happens to me too. It bothers me that it's baseless in my case.

[stopdog]

I do not think the one I have seen has ever been good. She has definitely gone from bad to worse. A couple of times she made it from bad to neutral but never good.

[pbutton]

I totally do this. I have no advice, but I can say I relate.

[unaluna]

sounds like we all have Beat them to the punch syndrome, that's the song I should have posted, that used to be my T theme song. You want to quit them before they quit you, but in reality, they aren't quitting on you, it's your old script, it's your expectations. You just make it come true, all on your own. I play this song over and over again on my girl groups CD! I love it.

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

I do understand what you're experiencing, Soupdragon. It's something that I have struggled with a lot in therapy. I have learned to look at it this way: I seek out therapy to improve my relationships and gain insight into my emotional difficulties. I begin to draw closer to my therapist in that the connection or attachment begins to happen. I view her in a positive "good" light. But then, the closeness of the relationship, the deepening intimacy (ie, she begins to see the "real" me and all the good and all the bad inside of me) scares me and triggers my need to distance myself from her. This is when I usually start talking about needing to take a break or that I'm not "doing therapy right" and probably not be "in therapy". My therapist begins to discuss these issues with me, giving me space to explore my desire to push her away. She encourages me to stay but also expresses her understanding of my need to pull back and pace things a little differently . .. or to even leave for a bit. She has always always told me that her door will remain open should I decide to leave.

This is when my mind begins to turn her to bad! As I obsess about our conversations, I begin to put words into her mouth, twist what she has said to find the true, underlying meaning of what she has been saying to me. I begin to distort and twist her gentle efforts to give me control of my own therapy into words that mean that she's gotten tired of me and truly wishes that I would leave. In a way, I give myself permission to interprete what she is saying to fit my "old script" that everyone in my life who gets to know the true me wouldn't want to be with me and they are going to reject me. It's my way of leaving and having a darn good reason to leave because "that therapist doesn't know what the heck she's talking about and she is actually glad I'm leaving!" or if I'm not in a true hateful mood, I would leave by saying that I was doing her a favor because no one should have to put up with a screw up like me. I don't know if that's what's going on for you, but it's how I have disconnected when I got overwhelmed by the therapy relationship.

I encourage you to go back and talk what you feel about the relationship. Talk about your therapist "turning bad" in your head and how you have been thinking about his comments have actually validated (in your own head) the belief that he'd be glad to be rid of you. This is important infomation!

I think this hits the nail on the head! Especially the parts I've bolded. We only have (usually) 50 mins face-to-face, and all the rest of the time we're remembering the conversation. And I think this is where we get into trouble and start to see things through our own lenses, which just may be distorted - just a tad

For example, I may have a session where I don't see any anger in T at all. However ... in replaying the conversation over & over in my mind, I start to think that - gee, he looked a little annoyed, or I think he was getting exasperated with me, or rejecting, or whatever. I think this is common and is why the T said "If I start to turn all bad to you". I'm grappling with this, and finding the only way is to keep going back regardless and bringing it up. Asking "Were you annoyed with me last week when I said ... such & such." Nine times out of 10 the answer is no, he wasn't. It was my perception that was wrong because I'm following that old, old script. I need to rewrite the script!

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

leave.

This is when my mind begins to turn her to bad! As I obsess about our conversations, I begin to put words into her mouth, twist what she has said to find the true, underlying meaning of what she has been saying to me. I begin to distort and twist her gentle efforts to give me control of my own therapy into words that mean that she's gotten tired of me and truly wishes that I would leave. In a way, I give myself permission to interprete what she is saying to fit my "old script" that everyone in my life who gets to know the true me wouldn't want to be with me and they are going to reject me. It's my way of leaving and having a darn good reason to leave because "that therapist doesn't know what the heck she's talking about and she is actually glad I'm leaving!" or if I'm not in a true hateful mood, I would leave by saying that I was doing her a favor because no one should have to put up with a screw up like me. I don't know if that's what's going on for you, but it's how I have disconnected when I got overwhelmed by the therapy relationship.

This is exactly how it is for me.

[CantExplain]

There was a period of several months when I regarded T as The Enemy. I kept going back becuase I was stubborn and competitive and refused to be beaten.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

There was a period of several months when I regarded T as The Enemy. I kept going back becuase I was stubborn and competitive and refused to be beaten.

Did your T know how you felt at that time? How did T stop becoming the enemy?

[learning1]

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

I think this hits the nail on the head! Especially the parts I've bolded. We only have (usually) 50 mins face-to-face, and all the rest of the time we're remembering the conversation. And I think this is where we get into trouble and start to see things through our own lenses, which just may be distorted - just a tad

For example, I may have a session where I don't see any anger in T at all. However ... in replaying the conversation over & over in my mind, I start to think that - gee, he looked a little annoyed, or I think he was getting exasperated with me, or rejecting, or whatever. I think this is common and is why the T said "If I start to turn all bad to you". I'm grappling with this, and finding the only way is to keep going back regardless and bringing it up. Asking "Were you annoyed with me last week when I said ... such & such." Nine times out of 10 the answer is no, he wasn't. It was my perception that was wrong because I'm following that old, old script. I need to rewrite the script!

I think this makes sense for me. I felt better immediately after my session last time but it didn't last long. I think that's happened at other sessions too. Right after the session it seemed like he didn't dislike me and like he encouraged me to continue therapy, but when I remember what he actually said, I don't think he said that and I'm back to thinking he might dislike me, think I'm annoying, etc.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Did your T know how you felt at that time?
How did T stop becoming the enemy?

Hmmm.... I don't know if I can answer these questions.

But a decisive point was when I blew up and left - and she took me back.
I don't think I ever expected to be forgiven. It was a totally new experience for me.