How do normal people act?

That sure sounds nice!

I realize now after 3 pages that I asked the wrong question at the beginning of this thread so I never really got an answer. I don't want to know how 'normal' people act. I want to know how emotionally healthy people act when meeting with a new T. I guess the only emotionally healthy person who would even bother going to a T is a person who is training up to be one and is going into the profession due to a desire to help people. I know some people go in to it in order to find answers for their own problems - I don't suppose they can give me the answer either (like my T).

My guess is this: When an emotionally healthy person meets with a T for the first time and tells them all their problems, and gets the listening, empathy, understanding, believing and understanding from them - it's probably nice but probably not completely foreign to them. So their positive regard for their new T is probably muted. It doesn't go over the top into something that keeps them awake at night for three weeks. It doesn't get into the romantic state. It just stops at the 'appreciation for kindness' stage. But for somebody who has never felt understood, validated, seen or believed EVER, then it's bound to cause a much bigger response. Which, if disclosed to the T, is never EVER going to result in any kind of adequate response from the T. Not only do they likely feel NOTHING back, other than 'OK, that's interesting', but I think they just don't entirely 'get' it, if they are not/have never been as messed up as you. And then that's a pretty horrible feeling. So everything goes in the opposite direction and you are simply left feeling like they are like 'everybody else'. It was just words from a psych book.

[quote=athena2011;2184873] My guess is this: When an emotionally healthy person meets with a T for the first time and tells them all their problems, and gets the listening, empathy, understanding, believing and understanding from them - it's probably nice but probably not completely foreign to them. So their positive regard for their new T is probably muted. It doesn't go over the top into something that keeps them awake at night for three weeks. It doesn't get into the romantic state. It just stops at the 'appreciation for kindness' stage. ....[/quote]

if you tweaked this to read "an emotionally unhealthy person" (in the sense that a typical client needs help with emotional health), this is about the boat I am in right now (not counting grieving for the former T, and dealing with the shock of looking up and seeing an unfamiliar face, realizing that one has been spilling secrets to a complete stranger, which can be chilling). And, if the client happens to be one who heavily relies on reading the other (I'm one of these), and doesn't know the new T's facial, vocal or physical cues yet, it's very disconcerting.

But about the positive regard, transference etc: you raise a very interesting point. I suspect you are right.... guess I will see. thanks

Hey Athena, my first thought about your mother was that she feared intimacy so when she was with you she feared that intimacy and sent you away? She lived for the nonintimate moments when she could perform in front of others and this filled her need somewhat for intimacy in a safe way because it was distant?

It does sound like you were triggered in therapy when your relationship with your T reminded you of your relationship with your mother and all of those unresolved feelings came crashing back from the past.

Yeah, psychoanalyst don't seem to provide that structure that you crave. I credit structure for the success of my healing. I must have structure to get my bearings and make sense of things. Your T does sound good though. I can see you getting structure here and taking it to your T and making your sessions work better for you?

Your questions about what normal people do, yes, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out normal and I did find it helpful. But I also see therapy as a time for you to figure out you, what happened to you, how did your environments affect you, and figuring all this out helps you to put things in place for you and helps you to heal.

Yes, she is a performer - former concert pianist, which she gave up to have a family. I think she regretted it. After we were out of the house, she became a politician. Once again - in the limelight. But she just seems so warm and genuine to others. So I think the tough part is that I feel singled out for being ignored, disliked and put down. Both my other siblings seemed to have quite a healthy relationship with her.
And continue to be triggered every single session!
Yes, things did go better when I wrote stuff out for him way back when. Then for a long time I just couldn't even find anything of substance to say. You guys have helped a lot with that. He's going to have a book to read by the time he gets back.
I agree with all this. Unfortunately from age 6 to age 49 (probably earlier, just can't remember much before age 6) with every relationship blowing up except for one friend - over my entire life, it is one heck of a lot to unwind.

But maybe you were the child with the most ability to be intimate? And/or you needed more from her?

You deserved everything that you needed. She wasn't able to provide it.

Are you going to bring up this triggering with him? (Or have you already?)

What I did was start from the present. My issues of today is what I brought to therapy to work on. I brought up the past only if it was related to the present issue I was working on. This really helps to keep you focused and keeps you from getting lost in the past. Plus it keeps you living in your present where life is.

I'm beginning to see that this is true.

I feel like I did but maybe not. Yes, I'll be making this clearer to him.

I like this idea. The fact that it worked for you makes it even more compelling.

What structure did you get?

I get structure from psychological theories/therapies. If I can make sense of my experience by placing it into these theories it is so helpful.

Sannah, what books did you find most helpful?

I have never read any self help books. I have my degree and I have gotten further info from here or elsewhere on the internet plus I go to conferences to keep up my license.

Degree in Psychology?

Master in Social Work