[SoupDragon]

I make it very clear to my T that there is a 10 foot high electric fence around me guarded by a pack of wolves who can pick up on the slightest intention to come anywhere within 6 feet of me

T throws it in occasionally how he would like to hold me hand / comfort me / show warmth - but so far it remains absolutely out of the question.

So I was wondering whether others let their T's touch them / hug them and if so has this been from day one - was it negotiated - did it change the relationship - was it frightening etc...

I'm just trying to understand it a bit more.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I make it very clear to my T that there is a 10 foot high electric fence around me guarded by a pack of wolves who can pick up on the slightest intention to come anywhere within 6 feet of me

T throws it in occasionally how he would like to hold me hand / comfort me / show warmth - but so far it remains absolutely out of the question.

So I was wondering whether others let their T's touch them / hug them and if so has this been from day one - was it negotiated - did it change the relationship - was it frightening etc...

I'm just trying to understand it a bit more.

My complaint for years was that my T wouldn't touch me. Some Ts hug on a regular basis but mine only occasionally.

If your rule is no touching, your T should respect that. But it's still something worth talking about, eg:
* Who touched you in the past?
* Did you never want to be touched?
* When was the last time you were touched and how did you react?

[pbutton]

T pats me on the back as I'm headed out the door. He started that one on his own, I think around the time I was sick with something somewhat serious and it was making me feel like Typhoid Pbutton.

We did hug once, he asked me first. Wow, to be completely to be honest I don't remember the hug, just him asking and I am fairly sure I said ok. I should probably mention that to him. Weird.

Oh, and one time I got really angry and was storming out in a huff and he put his arm around my shoulder. It actually worked to calm me down too. That was new. That's how I know he is safe.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

My complaint for years was that my T wouldn't touch me.

This. Not ever ever. I'm ok with that now. It took a while

Probably not very helpful for you, in the opposite situation- sorry!

When I started therapy I REALLLLLLY didn't want T to touch me. I was so scared and defensive that he wouldn't even get out of his chair without checking with me to see if it was okay first. So, he would need to get a receipt from his desk, and he would say "I'm going to get out of my chair now and walk over to my desk".

Now, we touch a lot. He holds my hand, I lean on his arm, he hugs me. It feels really, really comfortable and safe. I love being able to just put my head on his arm and rest.

It was a gradual process getting from "there" to "here". It started when I was having a panic attack - it was really, really bad and I was really really scared. T asked if we could touch fingers, and I was desperate and I said okay. So we leaned across the room and touched fingers...and things calmed down inside. I felt BETTER. The room stopped spinning and I just felt more "there".

When T and I worked together with a somatic T recently, we had to touch a LOT - push on each others hands, etc. Somatic T had me POKE T'S BELLY (that was a bit much). I was able to do it, because I feel safe touching T.

My T has never ever pushed me towards any sort of touch (other than suggesting the finger touch). And when we first started hugging, he would always check in with me at the next session: how did it feel, what did it mean to me, etc. He makes it super safe.

I really get where you're at with it though. I was RIGHT there for a long, long time.

My T is very careful about touch with me because of my history, not that I ever told him to do that; he is just very aware that if he touches me too suddenly or unexpectedly, my instinctive response might be to startle or recoil. We've actually never talked about touch between us; he just has a very intuitive understanding of me.

But he has touched me many times over the years. He's held my hand. He's placed his hands on my knees to bring me back when I've been lost in dissociation. He's hugged me on occasion. He always either asks permission or warns me before he does though. I find that very respectful and caring.

[wintergirl]

We shook hands once, but that is the only touching ever in over a year.

It could be a rule at his practice - I'd like to ask him if it's a rule, but I'm afraid to ask!

[3velniai]

My T touched me once. She kind of asked if it's ok and did that on the same time, so I didn't really have a chance to say no, and I freaked out. Like in total major freak out. Since then it's strictly no touch policy. She mentioned a couple of times that she'd be glad to touch hands or hug or something, but this thought scares me, so it's no touch policy. And I'm very happy about it.

[stopdog]

The one I have seen shook hands with me on the first meeting but has not touched me since then, I may have questioned the handshaking thing, as I found it a bit excessive to shake hands at both the beginning and the end. Also I very quickly indicated that I did not wish to be touched at all and would prefer she be behind a concrete/barbed wire fence. The t said she did not touch clients, but then after that has several times, for what reason I do not know, told me some clients hug her. I have even asked (and usually she consents) to not get up when I leave so she does not get near me at the door.

The first therapist I saw many years ago did hug me sometimes and it was not horrible but it was kind of like I just stood there and she hugged me without me doing anything back. Not jerking away was a huge step for me.

No. We've never discussed it. I guess that's just the way it is.

[Nelliecat]

Mine does give hugs or a hand hold but it took me a long time to ask - I'm the opposite and really need that touch. I could do with a T hug now, got myself all worked up about something.

[delicatefade26]

Touch has been one of the most healing aspects of therapy for me...when I have a meltdown or cry really hard T has asked if its okay to come sit by me and then he rubs my arms/back and comforts me...he has held my hand a few times and we always do when we pray and we hug at the end of each sesh...and this might sounds weird to some but one time I showed him my self injury on my arm and he gently ran his fingers over it...all of this comes with asking permission and talking about it and safety...I laugh now when I think about the first session and instead of a hug we shook hands because I said that's what I wanted...I'm so glad it's a part of my healing <3

She once touched my arm on the way out, and then another time she took my pulse. I think that's it. Apart from that, no. Not sure if she has any kind of policy on touch/hugs - I've no idea if she's a 'hugger' or not, lol. Maybe it's just how we do things because she can see how 'emotionally distant' I am? Maybe we haven't known each other long enough, or maybe it isn't that kind of relationship, or maybe it's because I haven't asked? Not sure, I'm not well up on hug etiquette! I wouldn't really expect one, but I wouldn't mind a hug from my therapist at all - though I guess I'd have to feel like it was a natural reaction to something. I find fake or forced hugs awkward, so I wouldn't ask for it.

Yes. We are both affectionate people. Lots of hugs and hand holding,& we lean on her while we talk to her. Its very comfortable. Its one of the most healing parts of therapy.Oh and we play with each others hair a lot.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

She once touched my arm on the way out, and then another time she took my pulse. I think that's it. Apart from that, no. Not sure if she has any kind of policy on touch/hugs - I've no idea if she's a 'hugger' or not, lol. Maybe it's just how we do things because she can see how 'emotionally distant' I am? Maybe we haven't known each other long enough, or maybe it isn't that kind of relationship, or maybe it's because I haven't asked? Not sure, I'm not well up on hug etiquette! I wouldn't really expect one, but I wouldn't mind a hug from my therapist at all - though I guess I'd have to feel like it was a natural reaction to something. I find fake or forced hugs awkward, so I wouldn't ask for it.

Why did she take your pulse?

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Why did she take your pulse?

Lol, because I'd started taking medication for anxiety (beta blockers) and I mentioned I was concerned how much they were slowing my heart rate down (when I worked out) so my T was curious and asked to check my (resting) pulse, which turned out to be fine.

[Unrigged64072835]

T and I shake hands before and after each session. I think that's the most physical contact I received from a T in years. And it's weird, because I hug my friends all the time in RL. Maybe I'm not comfortable with it in T. I never asked them about it.

I do know that when I was in the military, all the Ts were officers, so it was a professional no-no to go beyond handshaking.

[roads]

My first T, when I was eight, was in the 1950s. I wanted to hug her because I've always been a hugger--my family found me so odd, none of them were. But my T was a heavy smoker, unfiltered Camels, & her coughs frightened me. I knew she would die soon.

My current T I've seen only three times. I initiate a handshake at the start & end of each session. He had me fill out a rather extensive intake form, including questions about rape, & I have been. Of course he's not tried to touch me. We talked a bit about the rapes last session, so I guess sooner or later we'll deal with things & get to hugs.

I'm shameless. I love hugging! anyone I'm at all close to. Not strangers, and not really acquaintances. But people I care about, share my life with? Yep. I don't think it's as easy to lie with hugs as it is with words. I just trusts hugs. It's a language I "get," whereas words often lead me astray. I'm not talking about Ts so much now ...

[bluemountains]

No touching, I don't think I'd like that boundary crossed. I like to close everything in when I'm there. I even hide behind my coat sometimes. Touching would be way too much at this point.

Oddly enough, I am touchable in comfortable situations. I hug friends, students, parents of students, etc. When I am vulnerable though, I don't want to be touched. Yet.

Bluemountains

[rainbow8]

I've seen 4 other Ts and with the exception of my most recent T, they had a "no touching" policy. The one T hugged me only at my final session; she told me that since I'm "borderline", hugs wouldn't be good for me.

My current T told me right away that she hugs clients but I didn't want to. I was never a "huggy" person but I always fantasized about holding my other T's hands. The first touching I had with my current T was holding hands when the child part wanted to be comforted. It took me a long time in that session to say I wanted her to hold my hand. Since then, whenever I ask to hold hands, she does. When I want a hug, we do. There are many sessions with no touching, though.

Holding her hand has been the most amazing experience for me. It makes me feel safe and connected. I've asked for more touching in RL because of it, too.

[lostmyway21]

No he doesn't, he only ever shook my hand after our first session. I don't know where his boundries are. I'm not quite sure where mine are either. I wouldn't mind if he touched me.. (with warning) I am however terrified to initiate, and possibly to engage back. He would need to make it VERY safe, or it would trigger and scare me. At the same time it seems like it could be very grounding and benificial to my healing. I don't know.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I was wondering whether others let their T's touch them / hug them and if so has this been from day one - was it negotiated - did it change the relationship - was it frightening etc...

I'm just trying to understand it a bit more.

Well, SoupDragon, here is my long story on the topic:

Yes, my T and I do touch and, like others, I've found that to be one of the most healing aspects of my therapy. It didn't start out that way, though. If my T had offered a hug early on in therapy, I would have said "absolutely not!" and sat 20 feet away from her with my arms crossed tightly in front of my chest. It would have felt intrusive. My own relationship to touch is that I'm very affectionate with "safe" people who have earned my trust and with whom I have a warm and loving relationship. With everyone else, it's a "back off" policy. It took about 9 months for me to view T as someone who is safe and someone I want touch from. I had to first develop a relationship with her and view her as someone who made me feel safe, protected, and nurtured. Touch was never something she offered or addressed-- it was a desire that developed in me, and only after a long period of time. In a way, my desire to hug T was both a way to feel closer to her and a way to express "thank-you for helping me." I have a really hard time saying "thank-you" verbally; it's much easier for me to express gratitude through affection. So, anyway, when I realized I had the desire to hug T, I asked her (rather sheepishly) if she had a policy regarding touch in therapy. She told me that she takes it on a case by case basis-- she offers hugs when she thinks it is in the client's best interests and it feels safe for both her and the client. Then, reading between the lines, she asked if I would like a hug, and I said yes. Since then, we've hugged at the end of almost every session. So, in my case, touch was something I explicitly asked for. Had I not asked, she would not have made the offer or addressed the topic. However, since T and I have started hugging, the topic of touch (in my past and in my RL relationships) has become a frequent topic of conversation in therapy. I've told T about how my childhood therapist used touch in an abusive way and how that made me refrain from touch in all relationships for many years-- and hugging my safe T now has helped heal those wounds. It's also, in some respects, made up for the fact that I don't have a mom and never got any maternal affection growing up.

Others on PC have said that getting some touch in therapy can create a situation where the client continues to want more touch to the point where the therapist has to set a limit-- and, for that reason, Ts should not allow touch at all. I disagree. It's true that since I started hugging my T I have had the desire for more touch. I do sometimes wish I could sit next to my T on the couch and snuggle up to her like a kid snuggles up to their mom. However, I recognize (without her having to tell me) that this is something that she will never offer. There are boundaries in therapy that have to be maintained. But having even a little safe touch makes a huge difference. Getting hugs from my T means that I'm huggable-- that someone would actually want to hug me, and that they would want to hug me as a simple gesture of caring and affection, without any ulterior motives. That's made a big difference for me. It's made me more affectionate with the other "safe" people in my life and it's made me stand up for myself with the people who don't feel "safe." For instance, before, I might have allowed people to hug me even when it didn't feel "safe" because I was trying to be "polite"-- but now I won't. It's helped me know the difference between what feels good and safe, and what doesn't-- and to seek out more of the former while avoiding the latter. I just really, really appreciate my T. If she didn't allow hugs, I don't think I would have made the same progress with respect to touch in my RL.

But, SoupDragon, everyone is different. We all come into therapy with different histories and with different needs. If touch is not something you want, and not something you have the need/desire to work on, then no T should ever pressure you into touch. If, on the other hand, touch IS something you want to acclimate yourself to-- and T feels like a safe person to do that with-- then all the power to you. But, either way, it should be entirely your decision. Touch in therapy should always be for the benefit of the client, not the therapist. (Though it should also feel safe for the therapist!) I would typically end a message with "hugs" but, in this case, perhaps it is better I end it with "best wishes."

[BonnieJean]

Soup- I asked if I could hug T at the end of a session last spring and was surprised when she said yes. We've hugged at the conclusion of each session since. It is important for me to feel that connection.

[mommyof2girls]

My ex t did hug me in the end of our sessions, but I had to ask for the hugs as he was not allowed to initiate them .....

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I make it very clear to my T that there is a 10 foot high electric fence around me guarded by a pack of wolves who can pick up on the slightest intention to come anywhere within 6 feet of me

T throws it in occasionally how he would like to hold me hand / comfort me / show warmth - but so far it remains absolutely out of the question.

So I was wondering whether others let their T's touch them / hug them and if so has this been from day one - was it negotiated - did it change the relationship - was it frightening etc...

I'm just trying to understand it a bit more.

there was one moment there where i thought she was going to hug me but it did not happen i been with her a year only a handshake first session, my group therapist hugged me she disclosed alot and was more laid back bout touching, i dont know how i would feel if i got a hug from my t i would love to in my mind for comfort but i would never ever ask afraid of rejection