"I don't want my therapist to think I'm crazy"

Hi guys!

This is a sentiment I've seen a lot on this forum, and I am totally baffled by it.

It's like saying: "I don't want my dentist to think I have bad teeth."

Firstly, why would you want to deceive the one person who is committed to helping you?
And secondly, do you really think you can fool an expert?

I can understand both sides of this

On one end- I don't want my therapist or pdoc to think that I am utterly nuts/crazy/danger to myself or others- The fear of being put away and not allowed comes to mind- but I realize that this is just a fear- and not only that- Why should i think myself so highly with being so damn messed up.
I do however reframe from saying some thoughts that I have with some- my Therapist I am more comfortable with and have the feeling that she understands that they are thoughts so some do seep out

On the other end- yes they see through a lot of my stuff- For example the first Pdoc and after a while my Therapist brought up my anger issues and that I have a lot of it-- I was like no way- no one else really sees this- My Therapist was more gracious with it all with explaining why she said that, that she saw the signs and she sees other things in me- the Pdoc was not so gracious he just said- you have a lot a rage-- which did not go over well with me... Granted maybe their pitch and approach I find different; BUT Over all they both saw something that I have issues with that I thought I hid very well (for some yes but for these people they see it).

Over all -- from my first session to now-- I keep telling myself (and I would hope other would too) That I am going to therapy to get help with my problems- so If I am having an issue with something perhaps I should mention that to work on it with them.

I sometimes read the other way round "I want my T to think I'm crazy". I think "crazy" sometimes is romantized, that to be rally "craZy" one wouldn't have such awareness that most have here. I don't take much notice when I read it.

Ay; but you don't often develop transference towards your dentist, do you?

This is something that, to some extent or the other, I can see both sides of. As an example, I can see someone being concerned that, if their therapist were to know the true extent of their "insanity" or how "messed up" they really were, they would not want to be around them. Once again, on an intellectual level most, if not all, of us know that they wouldn't/shouldn't: they are, after all, mental health professionals and it is their job to treat, not run, from the suffering that we deal with. As many of us also know, however, the emotions that we feel about our therapist often do not line up with our intellectual reasoning.

I can also understand, especially for someone who is new-ish to therapy, being concerned that they will be regarded as too ill to treat in an outpatient setting and end up being hospitalized. Hopefully, one has found an ethical professional to treat them and, as such, will come to learn that this will only happen involuntarily if they become a true and imminent danger to themselves or others (I am going to kill myself/someone else); even in that case, the stay inpatient will in all likelihood be short.

On the other hand, it is obviously important for our treating professions to know what is going on as, if they don't, they can't help us to the full extent of their abilities. As such, it is a fear/anxiety that needs to be acknowledged and, like most things in therapy, worked through.

I used to be really afraid that T would think the "me" he was seeing in therapy was the "me" that was living life out in the world. In therapy I felt so lost, and obsessed with the past, and unbearably needy. In my life, I was a capable mother, taking care of my three boys. Outside of therapy, I would never ever EVER talk about my past (I still won't). Both of those people were me, but I was disgusted by the one that T was seeing, and I really really wanted him to know that that wasn't how I was going through my days. I told him ALL the time "I'm not the same outside of therapy as I am in here". He said he understood what I was saying, but the whole thing made me really uncomfortable.

Years down the road, I feel much more "the same" in and out of therapy. I think that the "me" in therapy is becoming (oh so slowly) more capable, and I think I'm more accepting of my needs and of the damage done by my past and the need to work through it. And outside of therapy, I'm more willing to be vulnerable - I can ask for help, I don't have to be this independent rock of a person, and I can connect on a deeper level with people without running for the hills because of fear. I'm becoming more my "Self".

But I really get the "I don't want T to think I'm crazy". I spent my entire life making good and sure that no one knew about my past and no one knew about my fears. I spend my entire life taking care of myself, shutting down my feelings, being completely independent. It was hard to let that go, and I was terrified that by showing T the pain I had inside I was setting myself up to be judged and rejected. It was scary.

I totally agree with you. I try to be as honest and real as I can be. I probably am too real sometimes. I tell my T whatever is on my mind, no matter how awkward, embarrassing, or uncomfortable it leaves me. I have no problem asking for clarification for what he says, or telling him how I (mis)interpreted it. I try not to have any filter on myself in therapy. It just seems totally counter-productive to try and fool my T. If anything he is the ONE person I want to know how messed up I am. Plus I have far too much to work on in therapy spend any time trying to deceive him.

I don't worry that my T and Pdoc will think I'm crazy. I'm not sure why. Maybe because they have always made it very safe to let them know what is going on in my head (which absolutely DOES feel crazy to me sometimes). They have so competently helped me through the "craziness" in my life, that I really rely on them to know how to help, and they do. Even in the midst of hallucinations and suicidal ideations, they have calmly explained what was happening to me and offerred me hope, even when I couldn't see it. I trust them. I trust their expertise and skill. They've never called me crazy. I know they won't do that. It's just me that does that.

I think that when I went into therapy originally, I didn't want to the T to think I was crazy. After all, I came out of an abusive marriage and a traumatic event, and I was simply trying to cope with what happened. It was just grief counseling and situational depression, and I would just get through it and move on.

It didn't exactly happen that way.

When I grew up, major depression was a bad thing that wasn't talked about. When I was a teenager, I had a doc laugh about my "fatigue" to one of his colleagues even though he didn't know I overheard him. Then he had the gall to "compassionately" tell me I was depressed. I really distrusted medical professionals with my mental health for a long time. Even after the psych tests and pdoc evaluations dx'ed dysthymia and MDD I didn't trust the pdocs and Ts to work on my more serious issues. The military also made it harder for long-term treatment, because by the time I could even feel I could remotely trust a T either they moved or I moved. It wasn't until my last abusive relationship when I met a T who I could trust. I didn't realize until after I read her professor bio that she specialized in domestic violence cases, but I somehow felt she would understand my situation and neither of us was moving anytime soon. She was the first one I felt comfortable about telling about all the bad childhood stuff. If it weren't for her I don't think I would see another T. I was sad when we terminated because she had to teach full time, but at least feel I can honestly talk to my T now.

So I can see why someone wouldn't want their T to think they're "crazy" if the capability to trust someone with serious emotional issues had been previously ruptured. I don't know if that'll make sense to anybody else, but it does to me.

This is exactly how I currently feel, Tree. I find that letting out the pain is so tough because I have been able to keep it packaged away inside for so many years. Also, I don't think of myself as crazy in my day-to-day life, but I definitely feel like a whacko at therapy, especially as the projected amount of time I will need therapy keeps increasing!

I now want my therapist to know how crazy I am so that I can feel better asap!

Bluemountains

If they think you are truly crazy, they can abuse you in the name of your best interest and/or because they know others will not believe you because of the craziness.

Personally, I am using the term 'crazy' only to refer to the therapy needs I have because of bipolar/ocd/csa. Actually if my therapist heard me use this term she would banish the word from my explanation. It seems that therapists have certain terms that they bristle with when being used.

In my house, we use the term 'crazy' lightly. The humor helps us.

Bluemountains

I understand both sides.

With my first two therapists, I let it all hang out. I didn't care what they thought. I wanted help.

With current T, I didn't "care" so much at first, but I was burying issues from my own view in the beginning. She told me many times she didn't see the disorders I was once diagnosed with. Once she got me to "open up" to her, I started worrying about what she thought because I got that false hope we would be friends once we were done.

As of today, I'm still afraid of what she thinks, because last session, she suggested I see someone else. I understand she brought it to the table because of her own behavior as well as mine. She "punished" me (my perception) by taking away email privileges, even though she explained she was doing it because she thought having that privilege was hurting rather than helping me. It's going to take a session or two to sort this all out. I don't want her to abandon me now, but I know it's essential that I "be me" to get better.

I don't want my T thinking I'm "crazy", or my dentist thinking I have bad teeth, or my Uni tutor thinking I'm "stupid", or - I could go on and on! I am a people pleaser: my goal in life is to be a 'good girl' and get everyone to like me (yes, intellectually I know that's daft, but emotionally it is still very important).

Yes, yes, yes. I have fooled 'experts' many, many times. In fact the T I'm currently seeing thinks everything is hunky dory. *sigh* I have to drop the bombshell that it really isn't when I see him Mon and I'm terrified

Wow! They sound amazing farmergirl! My pdoc didn't believe me when I told her about auditory hallucinations and delusions. Only believes me now because another pdoc (the one I saw at Uni) wrote to her about it, so really she believes him rather than me... I think offering hope is an important part of being a T/Pdoc - I could really do with someone (anyone!) who believed that my life will get better, because I certainly don't.

*Willow*

I was only sticking with the word used by the op.

I want my T to see all of my crazy. It's my only hope for getting it fixed.

You're completely right pbutton, but it is also an incredibly scary thing to do. You are clearly very brave. Hopefully I will be brave tomorrow and let it all out.

*Willow*

When I first started seeing my therapist, she expressed her dislike of the word "crazy". I could almost see her cringe whenever I used it . . .which was a lot. But over time, she's learned that is my word, my way of describing my self-loathing and fear (anxiety) about going over the edge. I did "go over the edge" and I feared the same thing happening again. I have worked my entire adult life to keep up appearances, to look normal and together. Being in therapy, with all it's vulnerability and nakedness, triggered this anxiety big time.
But like others, I've learned that keeping up appearances is the single, most earth shattering thing that has put a stumbling block in my way of progressing. I have had to battle that fear a lot in therapy to allow myself to be open and transparent when with my therapist.

Slooooowly, I'm learning that the more open and transparent I can be with my therapist, the more I move forward in my quest for a clearer understanding of myself and my emotional difficulties. It hasn't been an easy journey and I freely admit that I often return to my stance of "everything is fine!" But I've also begun to allow myself to be more open and more willing to see and be curious about my craziness (cognitive distortions). Of course, I reserve the right to continue my frantic efforts to keep up appearances when in my real life. My ability to loosen that tight grip will come later . . . I hope!

Thank you & I wish you lots of strength tomorrow.

I am not sure it's all bravery on my part though. Sometimes it feels like it's just my last remaining option. It's working though and that's what counts.