[lostmyway21]

Today was my first week of 2x week sessions. I got there said like one thing, and then...NOTHING. He kept trying to engage with me, but nothing was working. I ended up yes'ing him to death. I wouldn't have even realized it until he spazzed out and yelled at me to stop yes'ing him. I wasn't even answering his questions correctly. He was trying his hardest to keep me present, but I just wasn't there. I had no words for him. I was so anxious I couldn't focus on ANY thing but being anxious. AND his stupid clock ticking away next to me (that I imagined breaking several times, while I was there) I felt like the WORST client ever just sitting there hiding in my coat. He kept suggesting things but I either didn't really hear him or didn't care. He said he couldn't read me at all today. I hope this never happens again. I feel so bad. I wish I would have tried harder. I sent him an apology right after for wasting his time. He replied that I never do. It made me feel a little better.

What went so wrong??? I never shut down. It was my first time in his other office...maybe that had an affect on me? I feel so crappy now.

[nannypat]

I am sorry you are feeling bad. I just wanted to say I think maybe the different office could have a lot to do with it. I had the same experience when my T moved. It didn't feel safe. I was not happy see changed where she met with people. I was used to the first place, the furniture, where I sat, where she sat, the tree outside the window that I would look at when I was trying not to cry, etc.etc.

I think it takes a while to feel safe in a different place. I am fine with it now but it took me a while. Be gentle with yourself. This is a huge change even though we that are in therapy may be the only ones that understand that.

[Snakebit]

You were more honest than I am sometimes.

If I feel anxious or just don't feel like "going there", I can spend my whole session talking about a bunch of nothing. It would probably be a lot more helpful to my therapy if I were as honest as you and just didn't say anything.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by Snakebit

You were more honest than I am sometimes.

If I feel anxious or just don't feel like "going there", I can spend my whole session talking about a bunch of nothing. It would probably be a lot more helpful to my therapy if I were as honest as you and just didn't say anything.

I agree!!!! someone here called that tap dancing, and I agree. I blab my way through $150...how good is that? Sometimes silence is a more productive thing than producing a bunch of blabbing!

However, I can certainly understand why you would feel let down. Perhaps better next time? hugs to you!

[pbutton]

I have been there. It is SO disappointing afterwards. Here's a and good wishes that you'll be able to determine what went wrong & how to change it next time.

[Rapunzel]

Sounds like you dissociated. When you feel like that - can't connect, not entirely present, ..., that can be a chance to find out what feels so unsafe or scary, and address it. You can go back and work on this at your next session now that you are able to think about what happened. What was the last thing that you were able to think about or focus on? You can trace the feeling back to what started it. Your therapist can help you with that too, and also teach you how to use grounding skills to bring yourself back. Even though right now it might feel like a wasted session, if you are willing to talk to your T about what happened and work through it, this can be a chance to make progress.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

Sounds like you dissociated. When you feel like that - can't connect, not entirely present, ..., that can be a chance to find out what feels so unsafe or scary, and address it. You can go back and work on this at your next session now that you are able to think about what happened. What was the last thing that you were able to think about or focus on? You can trace the feeling back to what started it. Your therapist can help you with that too, and also teach you how to use grounding skills to bring yourself back. Even though right now it might feel like a wasted session, if you are willing to talk to your T about what happened and work through it, this can be a chance to make progress.

OMG...you just put it all together for me. I'll explain in detail in a little bit. Thank you!

[ECHOES]

lostmyway, I wonder if this 'after the break' session was an issue? I noticed that when my therapist is going to be away, I do pretty well with the news and pretty well when she's away. BUT, when she returns, it seems the feelings about her being away, about how much I missed her (that are so stimulated when I see her that first visit back) can make me shut down because so often there is anger there and I don't handle that well.

Please be kind to yourself and curious rather than judgmental about it, to use it to learn more about you

[Chopin99]

Hi lostmyway...

I think Rapunzel made some very good points. Plus, there were new variables, such as first time going 2x/week, different office, and being after a break. Sometimes I wish I was allowed to be silent; when I'm silent, my T fills the air by talking.

I do hope you get something out of the session. I am certain it was not a waste.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Hi lostmyway...

I think Rapunzel made some very good points. Plus, there were new variables, such as first time going 2x/week, different office, and being after a break. Sometimes I wish I was allowed to be silent; when I'm silent, my T fills the air by talking.

I do hope you get something out of the session. I am certain it was not a waste.

I think I may have started to get a lot out of this session. Just need some time to form it all into logical sentences. I'm starting to think I may have dissociated the whole session. My T mostly stayed quiet with me.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

Sounds like you dissociated. When you feel like that - can't connect, not entirely present, ..., that can be a chance to find out what feels so unsafe or scary, and address it. You can go back and work on this at your next session now that you are able to think about what happened. What was the last thing that you were able to think about or focus on? You can trace the feeling back to what started it. Your therapist can help you with that too, and also teach you how to use grounding skills to bring yourself back. Even though right now it might feel like a wasted session, if you are willing to talk to your T about what happened and work through it, this can be a chance to make progress.

Okay so this is what I have pieced together so far. I started the day VERY anxious. I was worried about taking the wrong trains and getting lost and not finding my way to his other location. The very last thing I was able to focus on was the email he sent me, telling me how exactly to get to his office. I remember sitting in the waiting room totally overwhelmed. I felt super insecure about being in a different office. I didn't feel safe. I actually was a bit terrified. I almost broke down, I wanted to run out of there. Nothing felt right about it. I don't remember any details from the session. I don't remember what he was wearing. I don't remember most of anything that he said. I didn't even remember how I felt in the waiting room until about a hour ago. I couldn't focus, or think. I just felt overwhelmed, with nothing specific on my mind. I wonder why his other office provoked such intense anxiety from me. I have a deep desire to NOT go back to his other office now. I mean HE was the same as always, I just could NOT adapt.

Thanks for everyone's input so far it has been super helpful.

[roads]

Watching all you folks work together, especially you, lostmyway, is just so impressive & inspiring. I hope you can hang in & work within the new office. I'll be up for pocket-riding if that would help.

Roadrunner

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

What went so wrong??? I never shut down. It was my first time in his other office...maybe that had an affect on me? I feel so crappy now.

Some people are very sensitive to place. (I am.) You probably don't view that new office as a safe place yet.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Some people are very sensitive to place. (I am.) You probably don't view that new office as a safe place yet.

No I definitely don't feel safe there. I'm terrified of his other office now.

[Rapunzel]

Now that you understand a bit more what you are feeling unsafe about, you can work through it. I hope that you will share these insights with your T. The way to conquer fear is to face what you are afraid of. Change can be really hard to deal with. Being sensitive to place makes sense too - that also happens to me. Most likely, going to the new office, or maybe something about the new office, is representative of something else to you - some scary experience from your past, or something that hurt you. It is probably something that affects you in other aspects of your life too. And it probably feels much bigger and more powerful now because our minds tend to blow things up and when we feel afraid and we act on the fear and dissociate or run away or otherwise escape from that thing, we give it more power and it seems to grow. What you can do with this is look at it and examine it and put it in its place. When you do that, you will have the power, and it will lose its grip on you and won't be able to affect you and your life so much anymore.

You are doing good work here.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

Now that you understand a bit more what you are feeling unsafe about, you can work through it. I hope that you will share these insights with your T. The way to conquer fear is to face what you are afraid of. Change can be really hard to deal with. Being sensitive to place makes sense too - that also happens to me. Most likely, going to the new office, or maybe something about the new office, is representative of something else to you - some scary experience from your past, or something that hurt you. It is probably something that affects you in other aspects of your life too. And it probably feels much bigger and more powerful now because our minds tend to blow things up and when we feel afraid and we act on the fear and dissociate or run away or otherwise escape from that thing, we give it more power and it seems to grow. What you can do with this is look at it and examine it and put it in its place. When you do that, you will have the power, and it will lose its grip on you and won't be able to affect you and your life so much anymore.

You are doing good work here.

I meant to address this more in detail today in session, but it just didn't go as planned. He initially thought I was kidding when I told him I was terrified of his other office, but when I brought it up again he realized I was serious. He assured me he will try harder to make me feel more comfortable our next session, in his other office. It made me feel better, but I still want to know WHY I panic while I'm there. I guess I'll try again next session.

[SoupDragon]

This doesn't sound like a wasted session at all - it sounds like it has the potential to raise alot of things to explore when you are ready.

I have had these experiences with my T - they don't happen so often, but when they do it is like I am locked in a cupboard and can't get out even though somewhere the other side of the cupboard I can be aware of T's voice.

Let us know how your next session goes - Soup

Has he given you a tour of the office? I'm not sure how yours is set up, so maybe there isn't much to tour. I don't know.

My T moved into a new building a few months ago. In his case, it is a practice with two pdocs and I'm not sure how many therapists. The first time I went there, T took me on a tour. In and out of every room (that wasn't occupied anyway), including the office, the kitchen, and the restroom. I wasn't particularly anxious about the office change, but T recognized it could be a problem and did his best to make me feel at home (even let me get a drink out the refrigerator). We had fun critiquing the interior decorating in some the offices, and then we headed to his office. He had some new furniture, including a new couch (loveseat actually) for his patients to sit on. He said, "Try it out. Tell me what you think." I didn't like it actually and told him so, and then we moved into our session.

If your T's office is large, with many rooms, maybe that would help? Just a thought.

[lostmyway21]

I have my first session back in his other office tomorrow morning, and I am ALREADY getting really anxious. Oh no..

[granite1]

can you bring a stuffy to hold on to and comfort you or something like that i know the stuffed kitty i bring helps me a lot when i am out of control anxious

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by granite1

can you bring a stuffy to hold on to and comfort you or something like that i know the stuffed kitty i bring helps me a lot when i am out of control anxious

The bear he keeps for me is in his other office.

[granite1]

maybe you could ask him if you can keep the bear with you and bring it from office to office or maybe get a bear yourself to keep.i have a T bag that i just keep all my stuff i might need like my kitty my T journal pens and what ever i may need for that session if anything .

[lostmyway21]

So, I'm starting to totally p a n i c about going tomarrow. OMG.

[pbutton]

Remember, it's not the office that is causing the problem, it's the reaction that you're having in your head. You have the power to change the outcome. Try to think of things that you could take with you or things you can do that will help you change your reaction.

At least that's what I keep telling myself as I start to freak out about going to T's waiting room tomorrow. Ugh.

[lostmyway21]

I spazzed and sent two emails to T about how panicked/nervous I was about tomorrow. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a total basket case now for freaking out about his office. Oh man...

...any way it sounds like were going to stay out of the office and do a walking session now.