Very different group therapy session....

Last week during group, we talked about how we choose where we want to sit. I mentioned that I always choose to sit away from the windows and door, in order to feel safe.

I went onto explain in our blog some of the reasons why, and the panic I feel....

I was challenged by one of the other group members.....a guy who wanted to experiment with sitting close to someone, as he was annoyed by a T that was sitting too closely to him one time during group. He said he would sit closely to me, if I would sit with a window behind me.

I was immediately feeling SUCH panic.....

BUT I DID IT.....

We had a game plan where if I had enough, one of the T's volunteered to switch seats with me.

Throughout the whole session, I had my back to the large bay window....with the other group member sitting chair against chair with me.

My heart was racing throughout the entire session...and I was having trouble breathing....but I did it. I stayed. I do know that I had a VERY hard time participating in the session...I felt like I was trapped within myself. *sigh*

But, I did it. I'm not sure what I proved by doing it....but I did it. It probably would've been more impactful if I would've spoken about what I was experiencing, but I was so busy trying to breathe that I couldn't.

It did help spur off conversations within group about rescuing people from their discomfort, etc. My T made an analogy to one other member, using me as an example....that made me feel kinda embarrassed and sad.

He said, think of it as me being afraid of water...and the guy sitting right next to me is in the water with me....but the other guy is on land, saying he'd throw me a life raft if I needed it....and how different that is to being in the water with me. Then, T clarified that it was only 3 feet of water that I was in.....THAT made me feel SO embarrassed....I asked T if he was undermining my experience....that caused people to chuckle....but I really did feel badly about it....

I DO get it though. The analogy makes sense. I was only sitting with my back to a window. It just felt SO minimizing, though, to have that pointed out to me...ya know?

Unfortunately, after the session, I wasn't able to get my heart rate to go down. I went to the gym (which I JUST started doing this week, am soooo out of shape)....and my heart rate was WAY too high for what I was doing (approaching 170 bpm when earlier in the day doing the same exercise at the gym, it was around 142 bpm), and I started getting chest pains, trouble swallowing, etc. I think it was caused by the panic I was feeling....

*sigh*

I thought, today, that I would reflect back on last night and feel accomplished. Instead, I feel kinda down....Not sure why.

Oh, what a neat group it sounds like you have!

I originally always had to sit next to the T for "protection" but then when I realized the group wasn't out to get me, I could suddenly sit anywhere and it was so freeing. Examining little things like where we sit, etc. can be so helpful getting at our feelings and issues sometimes.

Quick question, and maybe a little off topic, MUE, is 170 too high of a heart rate? When I'm trying to hammer down the anxiety by exercising, my heart rate is pretty routinely that high or higher. I'm sometimes in the 180's when I'm exercising hard and having trouble damping down the anxiety.

That's very insightful!

I thought it was kinda high for what I was doing....I was only walking 2.8 mph on a treadmill....Between 140 and 160, for me, is "cardio" rate (based on the chart that was on the treadmill, LOL). And then when I stopped doing the treadmill, my heart rate wouldn't go down. Earlier in the day, my heart rate, doing the same exercise, was around 142-150....

I've been working with my heart rate (meds and illness making it go up) and studying it; this article was helpful to me:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/heart-rate/AN01906