[rainbow8]

I had to put (figuratively) the bad part in my bear's box and lock her in! I'm thinking about my session tomorrow and wanting to blurt out profanities, sex and anatomy words (because I'm normally inhibited and never say them) and wanting them to be about her. I read some of my old emails and saw that we never practiced the anatomy words though I wanted to. I think because she thought it wouldn't mean anything out of context.

But now I want to blurt out stuff and totally be someone I'm not. There's something I keep writing in my emails and I don't know why. I told her I think it's because I CAN write it. Like kids when they start using swear words to see the effect on their parents.

It could be that I want to redo my past because I've always been "good". I want to be bad just for a while and see that my T still accepts me. I want to say all of the words and see what happens. I want to tell her fantasies that I never had before. Even with my pattern, I didn't go this far in my mind. Maybe just once I want to be someone bad and disgusting.

Meanwhile, that part is locked up.

[Sannah]

This work is all good. You know what they say about excessive restraint, it makes the forbidden fruit all the more desired. Life in the middle works better. I think that work on this area will get you somewhere. Good luck! And maybe it has to do with all of the secrets that you kept?

Originally Posted by rainbow8

But now I want to blurt out stuff and totally be someone I'm not. I want to be bad just for a while and see that my T still accepts me. I want to say all of the words and see what happens. I want to tell her fantasies that I never had before. Even with my pattern, I didn't go this far in my mind.

This doesn't sound dangerous, or like it will hurt anyone, so maybe you should pay attention... When I have urges I don't understand in therapy, I really do think they're there for a reason. I don't have to know what the reason is...I just know that they are there, that the feelings are BIG, and that it's okay to express what's going on with T.

I have learned a LOT from just following my instincts and my internal wisdom when it comes to things like that that I don't understand. Sometimes the lessons don't become clear right away...it takes time for things to settle, for me to see what my reactions and feelings are, for the knots to untangle...but it seems like it's always healing, and important.

It's okay to say whatever words you need to say in session, and it's okay to feel whatever you need to feel.

[Perna]

Watch out! Locking up bad parts can really piss them off and then they explode when you let them out. They are "you"; I would not treat any part of yourself as "bad" or needing to be locked up; would you do that to your child? No.

I know I have recommended Richard Bach's book (he wrote Jonathan Livingston Seagull), Running from Safety, before. It's about his inner child whom he locked away and was really really mad when he finally went to let him out

[granite1]

you know rain i have been that bad girl in T that you talk about.maybe it was to see if my T would accept me no matter what or because i knew no other way to communicate but it didn't accomplish much but most of my T were not very willing participants in that kind of abuse towards then. some did stop seeing me and some didn't but wouldn't interact with me when i was acting like that at all only when i would calm down.it didn't really make things any better for me and it didn't make me feel any better either.i just wished so much i could have and can be able to just talk about that kind of anger and resentment that i hade and have.it sounds like you are so full of hurt and resentment and that is what you should be dealing with.trust me when i say behaviors may not be the way to go.although i do understand the incrediable pull it has when things that you are doing just don't seem to be cutting it at the moment.maybe that is something you should talk to T about.i hope things go well for you tomorrow rain

[rainbow8]

Sannah and tree: Thanks so much for your quick replies. I needed some reassurance and you both gave it to me.

Sannah: I hope it will get me somewhere. That part doesn't like being locked up but she is afraid to be who she is.

tree: I'm going to remember that it's okay to say and feel whatever I need to. I know my T always tells me that, but I'm afraid and embarrassed. That part isn't afraid; it's the other parts who object. My T will be good at isolating the "bad" part and getting me to push the objecting ones aside, if we do IFS. But I wrote her that I promise I will do EMDR tomorrow. I'll have to see what she thinks.

I'm thinking about this too much......

[rainbow8]

Perna, I will check out Bach's book. I forgot because I didn't write it down. Thanks.

granite: Thank you for telling me your experiences in therapy. I don't think I really want to abuse or hurt my T though I know I said that I did in my other thread. I'm not sure. It's turned into wanting to stop being in such control of this so called "bad" part. I'm sure I won't be able to shout out anything. I will probably say the words in a quiet voice! That part does want to scream, though. I trust my T to be able to handle however I express myself. You're right that I need to deal with hurt and resentment! I think there a few issues on my mind, not just one.

[Perna]

Rainbow, try not to worry too much about compulsions (to scream), just acknowledge them and try to move forward. I'll never forget when I was in group therapy and wanted to do a somersault off the couch from a sitting position (kind of like you'd do one on a trampoline or diving board is what I pictured) and could not get it out of my head I knew "I" actually did not want to do that because I'd land on my head, or back at the least, I knew it would not go as I pictured it; a complete, neat circle.

That helped me (right this minute), realizing it is all a "picture" formed in one's imagination, rather than real?

[rainbow8]

That's funny about wanting to do the somersault, Perna. I know I'd be too embarrassed to scream in therapy. You know I never even cry! But I want this part to express herself. I have left therapy the past few weeks frustrated because I'm holding back my feelings. I don't want to do that. I will have to play it by ear. I don't want another session where I have to post "I hate therapy" again.

[rainbow8]

Tomorrow is almost here and I'm into my "what if she gets sick and cancels" mode. I feel like every session is CRUCIAL to me. I wish I didn't feel that way.

I'm getting scared. If I don't bring up that "bad" part I'll be angry with myself, and if I do, I may just sit there and not say anything after all. I need to practice what I preach--just start talking.

My T is very gentle but I know she's strong. I know nothing will shock her, but it would shock ME.

I am so afraid of the awful "post therapy" feelings. I didn't used to have them with her so much but now I do.

I feel like I have to accomplish something tomorrow!!

Therapy hurts way too much.

[Chopin99]

rainbow...I feel that way too sometimes. Everytime I see T's office calling for the appointment reminder, I'm afraid they're calling me to cancel. It happened so many times during her cancer battle. I want to ask for more sessions. Actually I am going to ask tomorrow if I can do 2x/week every other or every 3rd week. I get this feeling I'm going to need it. I hope she can do it.

And you will be fine, rainbow. I believe that.