[Chopin99]

I am currently not in a good place. I know that I am under increased stress for several reasons.

1. I have been offered a promotion. That promotion will give me increased responsibility at work, but a wealth of new skills. I will be responsible for establishing and growing 4-5 new programs for adults with MR/DD: Supported Employment, CAP-MR/DD Day Services, Supported Living, an after-school program for autistic children, while maintaining involvement in our ICF-MR group homes. I am bored with my current job and know I need a change. I have never worked in the areas stated above with the exception of ICF-MR.

2. I am about to start difficult therapy work related to my past. I hesitate to call it "trauma" because I was not abused; but in my family, love was based upon achievement. Same in the parochial school I attended. It was beat into my head as a child that if I wasn't perfect, I wasn't good enough or worthy. I also have complicated grief in that I have not grieved anything lost (people, relationships, dreams) since I was a teenager. There are a few other issues I need to work through also.

3. I am fighting doubts regarding my faith. My T is telling me to trust God with the process, but I wonder if I am trying to practice something I really don't believe. I think this is related to my upbringing; that I feel I am not "worthy" of salvation. I spent 9 years as an agnostic and I feel that's where I'm at once again.

4. I really want to have a connection with my T and she has been just a bit distant since our rupture; particularly in the area of physical affection. I need that connection to share with her. I would love to go to session Wednesday and ask if she will just hold me for a while, but I'm afraid she'll say no. If she does say no, I think it will make me feel "unworthy" once again.

I know that some peoples' Ts allow touch and some don't. My T has been fine with hugging me at the end of session; those have been close, motherly hugs until recently. I want her to either sit next to me and keep her arm around me, hug me for an extended period of time, or hold my hand during the session.

Is what I want an unreasonable request? I don't want to make her uncomfortable.

[SoupDragon]

Hi Choppin,

I think it is OK to share how you feel, to be able to identify your needs - but your T is the only one that can decide what is comfortable for her.

Hugs for you from me through these difficult times - Soup

It is certainly reasonable to ask. My T (who says yes to almost everything!) would say 'no', because her boundaries are no touch, but that wouldn't make it unreasonable to ask.

Sorry you have so much going on at the moment...

[rockymtngal]

Hi Chopin,
I'm under the belief that it never hurts to ask. It can be painful to get the words out, and the answer may be painful, but you'll never know without asking...

Also, it's not like you don't have a history of touching, so it's not exactly new territory...

Could you just tell her what you told us: since the rupture you feel she is more distant, that you miss the good hugs, that you want to be held but are afraid to ask her and tell her about your fear about feeling "unworthy" if she should day no.

About the God thing. I am so there. Many people have told me it's just a spiritual crisis, or it's just a phase in spiritual maturation. I've been in about the same place for about 3 years now. I'm not really working on it, because I feel nothing. I know that doesn't help you, but I don want you to know that you are not alone.

Take good care of yourself...

RMG

[delicatefade26]

I definitely think you can ask her!! What I read in this is that you really are bothered by the distance since the rupture-so maybe addressing that and the hugs? I know it will be difficult but you can do it!!! Let us know when you do!!
Thinking about this made me realize that my T is the one who initiates the touch-asking if it's ok-and it always has been-and im not sure how it would be to ask for it? Hmm..maybe I will try it out...even though he always seems to know when I need it..but I might ask for him to sit next to me randomly to see how it goes!

[Chopin99]

After a couple of hours away from the forum to think (and not think) and your answers here, I think I know what I need to say. It would go something like this:

With the pressures and fears quickly mounting in the areas of work, therapy, and faith; I just want reassurance that I will be okay...no matter what happens. I am really very afraid right now; despite using strategies that have been effective previously, especially regarding faith. I want you to sit beside me and hold me or hold my hand, but a part of me is afraid to ask because you might tell me no. I'm afraid that rejection will bring up feelings that I am unworthy and unlovable. The affection I have received from you previously is the most purely comforting affection I receive in life because there are no strings attached. It also helps me bond with you and I know I have to attach to tell my story because I'm afraid of doing that too. The issues I'm having with faith have been going on for some time. I've been ignoring those trying to soldier on anyway, but I know I need to address them sooner rather than later.

Originally Posted by rockymtngal

About the God thing. I am so there. Many people have told me it's just a spiritual crisis, or it's just a phase in spiritual maturation. I've been in about the same place for about 3 years now. I'm not really working on it, because I feel nothing. I know that doesn't help you, but I don want you to know that you are not alone.

Thanks for this comfort, RMG. I considered myself agnostic for 9 years, but returned to the faith about 3 years ago. It's been bothering me again for almost a year now and I'm in therapy at a faith-based practice, so I think it needs to be addressed in T.

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

Thinking about this made me realize that my T is the one who initiates the touch-asking if it's ok-and it always has been-and im not sure how it would be to ask for it? Hmm..maybe I will try it out...even though he always seems to know when I need it..but I might ask for him to sit next to me randomly to see how it goes!

I hope you do try it out; for no other reason than to practice asking for what you want. That's one of the reasons I'm going to ask too.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

After a couple of hours away from the forum to think (and not think) and your answers here, I think I know what I need to say. It would go something like this:

With the pressures and fears quickly mounting in the areas of work, therapy, and faith; I just want reassurance that I will be okay...no matter what happens. I am really very afraid right now; despite using strategies that have been effective previously, especially regarding faith. I want you to sit beside me and hold me or hold my hand, but a part of me is afraid to ask because you might tell me no. I'm afraid that rejection will bring up feelings that I am unworthy and unlovable. The affection I have received from you previously is the most purely comforting affection I receive in life because there are no strings attached. It also helps me bond with you and I know I have to attach to tell my story because I'm afraid of doing that too. The issues I'm having with faith have been going on for some time. I've been ignoring those trying to soldier on anyway, but I know I need to address them sooner rather than later.


Thanks for this comfort, RMG. I considered myself agnostic for 9 years, but returned to the faith about 3 years ago. It's been bothering me again for almost a year now and I'm in therapy at a faith-based practice, so I think it needs to be addressed in T.


I hope you do try it out; for no other reason than to practice asking for what you want. That's one of the reasons I'm going to ask too.

Great insight Choppin -let us know how it goes -Soup

[CantExplain]

A crisis of faith is a serious matter.

It's like your lover running off with your best friend. There's the pain of separation plus the loss of your main support.

(I apologise for presuming how you might feel.)

[lostmyway21]

Good luck! I hope you do ask. I asked my T to sit next me and for a hug but he said no. I guess its just not his comfort zone. Its was a little hurtful for the first five minutes after, but its was relieving to have asked. Its wasn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be, because I was terrified to ask. I hope your T says yes.

I think its definitely reasonable, and I too hope you ask. The worst she can say is no, although I know how much that can hurt. But maybe she will say okay! And then won't you be glad you asked?

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

A crisis of faith is a serious matter.

It's like your lover running off with your best friend. There's the pain of separation plus the loss of your main support.

(I apologise for presuming how you might feel.)

Actually, it is very much like that.

[rainbow8]

I think what you wrote that you want to say to your T is perfect. Since she has already hugged you many times and now has withdrawn somewhat, I think it's important for you to know why, and if she will go back to allowing more touch since you are going through a difficult period.

My T holds my hand but I don't think she would sit next to me with her arm around me, or go for extended hugs. But every T is different. Like others have said, your request is reasonable but your T can decide to honor it or not. I hope she does.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I want her to either sit next to me and keep her arm around me, hug me for an extended period of time, or hold my hand during the session.

Is what I want an unreasonable request? I don't want to make her uncomfortable.

Oh how I want those things too. its been so long. I hope you get it as you deserve love!

[CantExplain]

I'd like to hold your hand, Chopin, but there's no smily for that.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Oh how I want those things too. its been so long. I hope you get it as you deserve love!

And I do receive love in my life from H and others, but it seems like there is none so pure as T's love. I hope you find love growlycat, as you deserve it too!

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I'd like to hold your hand, Chopin, but there's no smily for that.

There is a smiley for hug. Hope you don't mind.

[Chopin99]

I rewrote my "spiel" to T, in my journal, so there's no going back now!

With the pressures and fears quickly mounting in the areas of work, therapy, and faith, I just want reassurance that I will be okay no matter what.

I am really very afraid right now. I've been using strategies that were effective in the past, but they aren't working.

I am afraid that I've been "practicing" a faith I don't truly possess. That I have never possessed. This has been in my mind for quite some time. I've been ignoring my concerns; choosing to soldier on. I know I need to address these concerns, sooner rather than later. I'm always afraid it's too late for me.

I want you to sit next to me and hold me or hold my hand, or at least hug me like you used to. A part of me is afraid to ask because you might tell me no. I'm afraid that rejection will bring up feelings of being unworthy or unlovable. The affection I have previously received from you is the most purely comforting touch I receive in life because it is safe and there are no strings attached.

Can you help me with my faith issues? Can you support me right now? I feel like a frightened child. Please comfort me and assist me through these changes and help me find God. Thank you.

[SallyBrown]

1. I have been offered a promotion. That promotion will give me increased responsibility at work, but a wealth of new skills. I will be responsible for establishing and growing 4-5 new programs for adults with MR/DD: Supported Employment, CAP-MR/DD Day Services, Supported Living, an after-school program for autistic children, while maintaining involvement in our ICF-MR group homes. I am bored with my current job and know I need a change. I have never worked in the areas stated above with the exception of ICF-MR.

Are you afraid you're not going to do well? Fear of failure is a big thing for kids who were pushed to achieve. I am also starting a new job soon, it's one step up from where I am now and I am mostly excited but also absolutely terrified that I'm going to completely screw up. Just remember that (1) from what I can gather about you, you wouldn't get this promotion if you didn't deserve it, and (2) even if it doesn't work out, you don't have to stick with it. But I think it will work out

2. I am about to start difficult therapy work related to my past. I hesitate to call it "trauma" because I was not abused; but in my family, love was based upon achievement. Same in the parochial school I attended. It was beat into my head as a child that if I wasn't perfect, I wasn't good enough or worthy. I also have complicated grief in that I have not grieved anything lost (people, relationships, dreams) since I was a teenager. There are a few other issues I need to work through also.

Sigh. I hear that. I also feel bad about thinking of it as "trauma"... but at the same time, it really kinda f***ed me up.

3. I am fighting doubts regarding my faith. My T is telling me to trust God with the process, but I wonder if I am trying to practice something I really don't believe. I think this is related to my upbringing; that I feel I am not "worthy" of salvation. I spent 9 years as an agnostic and I feel that's where I'm at once again.

Do you think that your T using so much faith-related stuff is getting in the way of your exploring your own issues of faith? I think it might help you to feel like it's ok whether you believe or not. I talked with my T through my own faith transition (I wouldn't call it a crisis, but it was pretty significant), and it helped that he made no moral judgment about my conclusions.

4. I really want to have a connection with my T and she has been just a bit distant since our rupture; particularly in the area of physical affection. I need that connection to share with her. I would love to go to session Wednesday and ask if she will just hold me for a while, but I'm afraid she'll say no. If she does say no, I think it will make me feel "unworthy" once again.

I know that some peoples' Ts allow touch and some don't. My T has been fine with hugging me at the end of session; those have been close, motherly hugs until recently. I want her to either sit next to me and keep her arm around me, hug me for an extended period of time, or hold my hand during the session.

Is what I want an unreasonable request? I don't want to make her uncomfortable.

I don't think it's unreasonable. If it's within your T's boundaries, it seems like a reasonable thing to ask for. I would definitely let her know what it means to you. As for her being uncomfortable, that is up to her. If she allows herself to be "coerced" (quotes because that's not actually what you're doing) into doing something that makes her uncomfortable, she's not doing her job.

And if she does say no, make sure you talk about how it makes you feel unworthy. Hopefully you two can work out a way for you to feel less distant from her, and to process the feelings of unworthiness.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Are you afraid you're not going to do well? Fear of failure is a big thing for kids who were pushed to achieve. I am also starting a new job soon, it's one step up from where I am now and I am mostly excited but also absolutely terrified that I'm going to completely screw up. Just remember that (1) from what I can gather about you, you wouldn't get this promotion if you didn't deserve it, and (2) even if it doesn't work out, you don't have to stick with it. But I think it will work out

Of course. Fear of failure is one of my biggest concerns. I am burned out with the job I have currently, so I know I need a new challenge. As I tally up the things I'm behind on in my current position, I'm becoming overwhelmed. Also, my current job is "safe", the new one is taking a risk...because my job hinges on how well I develop the new areas. Actually, the job is one my boss had in mind for me all along, he created it with me in mind, so I know I deserve it, but I'm not used to people having so much faith in me!!

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Sigh. I hear that. I also feel bad about thinking of it as "trauma"... but at the same time, it really kinda f***ed me up.

Yeah, I wasn't abused, but I was definitely f***ed up!! I was talking to a coworker one day about what I experienced at parochial school and she looked at me and said, "Wow, they really f***ed you guys up!!"

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Do you think that your T using so much faith-related stuff is getting in the way of your exploring your own issues of faith? I think it might help you to feel like it's ok whether you believe or not. I talked with my T through my own faith transition (I wouldn't call it a crisis, but it was pretty significant), and it helped that he made no moral judgment about my conclusions.

Unsure; but it's hard for me when I'm not doing well and the advice I get is: "Practice letting go & trusting God with the process." That is a direct quote from her last email to me. T has said she has worked with unbelievers and she just leaves the "God part" out. We'll see.

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

I don't think it's unreasonable. If it's within your T's boundaries, it seems like a reasonable thing to ask for. I would definitely let her know what it means to you. As for her being uncomfortable, that is up to her. If she allows herself to be "coerced" (quotes because that's not actually what you're doing) into doing something that makes her uncomfortable, she's not doing her job.

And if she does say no, make sure you talk about how it makes you feel unworthy. Hopefully you two can work out a way for you to feel less distant from her, and to process the feelings of unworthiness.

I'm going to ask and talk about it. I just hope she doesn't feel "coerced" into something because that would set her up for resentment. That would not bode well for her T abilities. I know I need to process the unworthiness.

Thanks Sally for your thoughtful insight!!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

With the pressures and fears quickly mounting in the areas of work, therapy, and faith, I just want reassurance that I will be okay no matter what.

You will be OK.
You will retain your sanity.
The pain - all your pains - will pass.
You are loved (as you know).
You are strong enough.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

You will be OK.
You will retain your sanity.
The pain - all your pains - will pass.
You are loved (as you know).
You are strong enough.

You know, deep down I know I will be okay, but right now I don't feel okay. I want T to tell me I'll be okay. That she'll help me through this.

That is not to say that I don't appreciate your words, CantExplain, I certainly do, because they are a comfort to me and a reminder that I have caring people here who are all in similar therapy "boats" all floating along together.

I just had something stupid come up at work where I'm going to have to drive 10 miles out of my way because of a coworker's mistake...all the phone calls came while I was pitching my current job to an interested party!!!

Thanks again for the kind and thoughtful words.