The good side of attachment

I realized, in reading a response to something I had written on a thread recently, that I mostly START threads when I am freaking out about something. (Although I am mostly too neurotic to start threads at all anyway.) I feel like I ought to post something good. Especially since I feel like I read so many threads lately about people feeling hopeless regarding the struggle that is attachment in therapy.

My relationship with my T is intense and at times really stormy. But I do care very deeply about him, and I know he cares deeply for me.

One recurring issue with me is touch -- I get really anxious about touching other people and being touched, always have, yet I have always really envied the ability to just seek physical comfort from friends and family, and to receive it when I need it. I used to wrap myself really tightly in my blankets to simulate the feeling when I was kid.

My T doesn't touch his patients, at all. That's fine for me, especially since I'm very attracted to him -- I would want to not-touch for practical reasons anyway.

When talking about my feelings for T, he said, long ago, something like, "Does it seem like even though you know intellectually why we can't interact physically, you find it hard to understand emotionally?" At the time it was a little off the mark, but lately it has been true... when we have long, grueling disagreements or misunderstandings, sometimes it seems like it would solve a lot to be able to just hold each other.

I told him this last week, and he asked me, "How do you think it would be helpful, for me to hold you?"
"I guess I would feel... secure, maybe? Less detached. Grounded."
"I see. If I could do that, I would very much like to make you feel better by holding you, and showing you physical affection."

That made me very happy, but that evening I realized I had partly left something out.

So the next day I said, "One thing I didn't say yesterday was that there are times when *I* would like to comfort *you*."
"Like when?"
"Well, like when you are obviously upset by something I've said. Sometimes I know why and sometimes I don't, but I would still like to make you feel better. Or when I know I'm being unreasonable and it's upsetting to you, and even though I'm mad I want you know that it will be ok when things calm down."
"I see. And how do you picture comforting me?"
"Same as for you comforting me. Holding you, being affectionate."
"Well, I really appreciate your wanting to do that. And if you could, I do think it would make me feel better."

Part of it was useful therapy, in that I realized how big a factor it was for me that I was wary of touch because I have a deeply-held belief that nobody wants to touch me, and that when people do, it's not because they want to, but because they feel like they have to. I always knew I felt that way... but it really seemed like the most important thing was for someone to WANT to hold me, not whether or not they actually did.

But mostly, I just FELT very much held in those moments.

I'm glad you had that moment with your therapist..

This is just me, and I don't know your T...but...most of this sounds wonderful except a little red flag near the end. I think it is OK for your therapist to touch you as long as it is clear why, it is mutually agreed upon and it fits YOUR needs. However, as selfish as it sounds, you are not there for HIS needs. T's are trained to handle this stuff and to take care of themselves "offline". Seeking comfort from you seems like a big mistake.

At least that has been my t's rule. I wanted to give him a hug after his dad died but I got a firm but thankful no. I have had hugs, hand holding, pats on the back for me but the reverse is a boundary-crosser for him.

I hope things go well! Just listen to your gut instincts!

Thanks growlycat, I totally get where you're coming from and appreciate your looking out!

I was actually worried that this would be my T's reaction -- I didn't want him to think that I really seriously thought it was a good idea for me to comfort him, even verbally (although I do apologize (if I've been unreasonable and I know it) or acknowledge in other ways, like bringing something I've baked, when things have been really hard on both of us). After this we had a discussion about how much I hate having to say something that I know is going to be upsetting, but I do it anyway because I know it needs to be said. He's never told me anything about how he's feeling unless he thinks it will actually help me.

This was more about him telling me that he would not be put off by my comforting him (in theory -- we still do not touch) simply because I am me and I am hideous and gross and not-touchable. That was more what I needed to know.

I see no harm in wanting to help T, or in saying so.

I wish I could help my T. But she is so perfect she doesn't need any help.

Wow, Sally! You always amaze me. I hope to be as healthy and together as you are at some point. What you say about feeling like you are unworthy of being touched and no one will ever want to hold you really, really struck home for me. THAT is SO how I feel about myself. Particularly if anyone finds out the truly gross stuff about me. I HAVE to hide or no one would ever want to be around me, or ever touch me again.

I think if my T maintained the no touching boundary, it would really strike at the heart of my insecurities. I'm not sure I could handle that.

At the end of last year, I felt so close to my T that hugging didn't bring us any closer.

As healthy and together as me? Oh MKAC, please aim higher!! Just kidding... I think my T (and the good T I had before him) have brought me a long way in terms of keeping myself together. I just tend not to post in my truly crazy moments, hehe. But I think a big thing at play here is separating my thoughts from my feelings, and not forcing them to be the same. My T's helped a lot with that.

Yeah, the grossness you mentioned to resonated with me in some of your posts. I don't have the same reasons for feeling gross, but that feeling of being untouchable is there and is pretty crappy.

I do think that not touching in therapy is probably not a one size fits all thing. I kind of wonder if my T has other patients for whom the no touching policy is really not helping. For me I think it's the best thing... and I was very happy that in the moments I described above we could find a way for me to feel good around it yet still not touch. Little by little the work we're doing has led me to be a little teeny bit more open to touch with my friends and family. But I do see T/client touch being very beneficial for some people on this forum, and I think it's great if client and T are on the same page about it.

Yes! This is how I want to feel about my T. That is fantastic for you and your T.

"the good side of attachment"
I am just glad to hear someone has found one

Stopdog, I had a very limited attachment to my first t, and certainly would never have TOLD him I was attached. However, even that limited attachment was a life altering experience for me. This time through therapy, I am struggling not to fall totally in love with my t and I am SO attached that it's really upsetting sometimes.

Until my first time in therapy, I simply refused to feel certain emotions because they were irrelevant, not helpful, destructive or a waste of time. After therapy, I was much more in tune with my feelings but still had a pretty limited emotional repertoire.

This time through therapy, despite the discomfort of how I feel about my t, I am feeling a pretty full range of emotions. I don't always like it, but somehow knowing that my t is there for me and isn't judging my emotions or responses to them makes it safe(r) to feel those emotions. Shame and anger can actually be felt, looked at and talked about without me dying as a result. I feel much better. Freer. It's easier to breath and live in my skin, if that makes sense.

Thanks, Sally! I really enjoy your posts and insight. I love that you found an upside of transference.

My T doesn't touch me ever (I think it's probably an office policy, but I've been too chicken to ask), and I think it's better that way. We don't have any contact outside of sessions, either (no texts or emails, I mean - if I called, he'd call me back if I requested that). I think physical contact would increase my dependency/attraction/transference or whatever you want to call it!

Aw thanks! Yeah... I should probably post in the proper thread, but the reason I found and joined PC was all about transference issues, and I think it helps so much to hear about when things do work. Sometimes they don't. But it's good to have hope that they CAN. Because it just feels so excruciatingly bad sometimes.

That's exactly how I feel about the touch in my situation too. For me, it would just fan the flames! We do have fairly frequent contact outside of session, but have settled on a routine and set of boundaries that works well. Yet I know for some people, THAT would be making things more chaotic, more so than hugging. To each his own!