So I have T on Thursday , 1st time since the whole " don't want you as a daughter or friend etc... Strictly client and only during session will we have contact" talk....
I need to go out of town for work and I may need to cancel Thursday, it would be better if I did for work but I don't HAVE to.... Anyway

My question is , I am afraid to talk to her about the rupture. I want to talk about it but I'm afraid I'll just piss her off again, it seems like talking about transference and how therapy works makes her mad. Should I just go for it and start talking about it? Maybe if I do and she does I'll see we don't "gee-haw" and finally get up the nerve to quit or ask for a referral .... Do I have to ask for one ? Can I just find another and send for my records? I lied to her and broke her rule about substance use , although I haven't done it again and won't .... But I'm afraid that I ruined out relationship , what if she can't get past it? All that stuff about not wanting to have me as a daughter or friend etc., although all true it felt hurtful.... Who says that to someone , I don't want you as a daughter? Ive joked about her being my mom as they are similar in age abut seriously did she have to put it that way?
On another note, I reached out to my biological mother the other night , thinking maybe that's what I need to do to get past this mommy thing... I closed that door along time ago and now i reopened that can of worms in hopes of finding a cure. Uggggg, out of sight out of mind? Maybe the work thing is an easy way for me to avoid T for another week....well worth a $60 dollar cancellation fee until I can figure out what to say to T. I apologized profusely to T and she said I shouldn't continue to apologize .... But that's how I feel I told her... I mean can't I even say how I feel?

Sorry for the rant .... Therapy is so hard sometimes. T ask you to be vulnerable and share all your secrets but when you do .... And things get crazy, T wants to dial back the crazy.... My head doesn't work that way.

[stopdog]

You don't have to ask for a referral and they must release your records if you want them to, keeping in mind some do not keep records in order to not have to release them.
I don't think it would do me any good if I thought I could not talk about something for fear of making the t mad and so I would find another one (of course I am always on the look out for a new one anyway and the one I see does not care about what is talked about as far as I can see). I would definitely quit if I thought one of them was mad at me no matter if I lied or used drugs or whatever. That would mean way too much personal as opposed to professional investment in me and I do not want that. If the t wants to explain that lying or using drugs will render their assistance either useless or less effective, then fine, but to get angry at me would be them crossing my boundary and I would find another one.

[growlycat]

I would personally be compelled to piss off my therapist if he didn't want to talk about the process! I'm wondering what harm could come of calmly asking questions and SHE was the one upset Well that is some countertransference for you!

I hope it is not awful of me to say that I agree that the way she said what she said was unnecessarily hurtful.