[laceylu]

I have been away for awhile recovering from surgery and limiting triggers. My T and I had a breakthrough session last Thursday and I am stressed. Last fall she discovered I had more than one personality, and I hated her for telling me. Thursday I was able to tell her about my current situation and what I was doing that I really did not want to do anymore. It felt so good to share it with her, yet I was scared and embarrassed. Her voice was soft, and at times her words were tough to hear. She was exposing my very secret problem and it was so difficult. She wanted me to make eye contact with her but I did not have the courage. T said if you really like doing this thing why are you embarrassed and not making eye contact with me? She asked me to look at her so I could tell she was telling me this in a caring way. I looked briefly and thought she does not really care about me. T may care about me in a clinical sense but that is all. She said thank-you for taking this in a caring way. I apologized for being angry with her last fall and not taking that first exposure in a caring way. I figured out a big trigger Thursday, and I can link it to the start of my depression at 35 and the start of my PTSD last March. Now I know what my true problem is, I can figure out what to do with it and T can help. I imagine she knew what was going on and just waiting for me to be able to hear it. I truly loved my first T. I am not sure if I will love this T, but I am dependent on her. I liked hearing that she cared about me. I want to believe it. I am having crazy wild thoughts about the session and trying to stay calm. I need a day away from work. I need time to think and do my college homework which I cant seem to start and it is a week late. I feel the need to stay up all night and think. I am so scared. I am so glad that PC is here, so I do not feel so alone. Part of me does not want to share with her and part of me wants to sit close to her. My parts are upset and it is making me tired. I feel stronger this year and have some good tools to keep me present, but this therapy journey is not easy. I STILL feel very guilty for not going to work, but I figure this is part of self-care. Self care is something I need to practice. I am very fortunate to have a T. And blessed to have had one when I had nothing, not even insurance or money for food. It is good to be back and see all the posts. Lacey

[growlycat]

Mental health days are vital!!

[SoupDragon]

Your T sounds great and I am glad you are making progress. Progress does sometime mean that we can get all full of stuff and find it diffcult to focus on other things, so I hope your mental health day will allow you to do some processing.

Soup

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by laceylu

Last fall she discovered I had more than one personality, and I hated her for telling me.

Before I ask my nosy questions, let me say that this sounds scary and it's not something I'd want to be told.

Here goes:

Did she mean DID? I notice you still talk about parts, not alters.

Is she right?

Did you already know?

[DHolmes]

Glad you fpund out and can get help

[laceylu]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Before I ask my nosy questions, let me say that this sounds scary and it's not something I'd want to be told.

Here goes:

Did she mean DID? I notice you still talk about parts, not alters.

Is she right?

Did you already know?

Well we are still working on that. I have one distinct little girl part that is basically out of control and I hate her. I shut down over the holidays so I suppose we will need to resume exploring that area. I have complex PTSD. I am aware of 3 distinct parts. I did not know I had separate parts that are well defined. It scared the hell out of me and I thought my T was just being mean. I understand that I could have DID, but I do not have the courage to discuss it right now. My life would make a lot of sense if I did. If I remember the name of the guy who is the guru of disassociation I will post it. His material describes me perfectly.

[laceylu]

I was able to get my homework done, but I did have to take some ativan today. I am only focusing on one day at a time. All of the emotions, thoughts, and impulses going through my head is so distracting. Of course H does not know and he scolded me for playing hooky!

[learning1]

Originally Posted by laceylu

I was able to get my homework done, but I did have to take some ativan today. I am only focusing on one day at a time. All of the emotions, thoughts, and impulses going through my head is so distracting. Of course H does not know and he scolded me for playing hooky!

Ouch. Sorry your H doesn't get it. I've used sick time to get course work/mental health "work" done a few times and I worry about it some, but I have the advantage of being single, so no one irl has to know I'm doing it. I'm always happy when I hear I'm not the only one though.

[Chopin99]

I've taken mental health days. I trust my boss enough to let him know some of my issues. He knows I'm in therapy. I recently took a promotion and I told him flat out that I go at 4pm on Wednesdays and I could change some of those, but it is important to me. He knows I have anxiety and panic attacks (he's seen me have one) and depression. He doesn't know anything else. He has actually encouraged me to join NAMI so that I can help others.

However, we work in the mental health field, so these things are understood.