Childhood memories and secrets

CantExplain · Feb 02, 2012, 03:42 AM

Triggers strike at random moments of vulnerability.

SallyBrown · Feb 02, 2012, 08:02 AM

Quote:

Even though I feel pretty ambivalent about it all, I'm obviously leaning more toward the side of life because I'm going to therapy, like you said, and I'm planning on talking to my pdoc about how I feel and asking (begging!) her to let me try meds again - considering how SCARY she is and how she didn't believe me when I told her I'd started hallucinating and having delusions a few years ago, I must *want* to keep trying to get better!

That's the spirit

. I'd venture to say that even the most determined people are often a little bit ambivalent... questioning one's own actions and motivations is part of being thoughtful and resolved. We're trained not to put our doubts on display, but that doesn't mean they aren't there.

Jeez, and can you get a new pdoc by any chance? Did she happen to notice that hallucinations are a potential side effect to some of these medications? I can't stand doctors who seem adamant about side effects that they're not even familiar with.

Feb 02, 2012, 04:25 PM

Thanks for the replies

Quote:

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

That's the spirit

. I'd venture to say that even the most determined people are often a little bit ambivalent... questioning one's own actions and motivations is part of being thoughtful and resolved. We're trained not to put our doubts on display, but that doesn't mean they aren't there.

Jeez, and can you get a new pdoc by any chance? Did she happen to notice that hallucinations are a potential side effect to some of these medications? I can't stand doctors who seem adamant about side effects that they're not even familiar with.

Thanks SallyBrown. I really miss my Uni pdoc as he both listened to me and cared enough about me to give me a kick in the butt to take meds when I needed it (not that I liked it at the time obviously, but it made me feel like he wanted what was best for me). The pdoc I see now is actually not the worse one I've dealt with (or actually on that list!), which goes to show the quality of NHS pdocs where I live...

I saw current pdoc before I went back to Uni for over a year, and she thought I was making up stuff so that she would say I was unfit to go back to Uni - clearly didn't know me AT ALL because I was DETERMINED that I was going back regardless of what she thought! She only believes me now because Uni pdoc wrote a letter saying I had 'psychotic features' (rather than side effects related to a particular med as I've had them for 2 years now, both on and off meds). I've got an appt in 2 wks and I'm going to write a letter explaining things and what I want. If she still won't work with me then I'll have to see about finding another, although I've been to a few around here and I'm not sure there's any left I haven't seen yet...

Quote:

Originally Posted by velcro003

this just happened tonight at the grocery store actually! i was walking down an aisle looking for something and walked by this mom and her kid. this literally was a 5 second thing, or however long it takes to walk by someone...but i took in this kid (11ish) joking with his mom as they were grocery shopping. Nothing earth shattering, just that he seemed comfortable with her or something. Its tiny moments like those that cause some sort of reaction inside of me. I don't even know how to describe it, mainly because it happens like a flash.

Sometimes it causes a more severe reaction, where all i feel like doing is bursting into tears

the one that stands out the most to me is a few years ago. i was working a different position, but still around kids. i was ringing up a mother for something, and while she was waiting she was idly playing with her son's hair and humming. suddenly i had the overwhelming urge to start bawling! it was so weird.

i could go on, but you get the drift. did i notice these type of reactions before i started therapy? no. so am i just making stuff up in my head to find 'memories' of how i wasn't treated as a kid? why would someone have a reaction to these little heartfelt moments if you weren't deprived of them? BUT i don't REMEMBER not having them! or having them...so how on earth do i know?!

THIS IS WHAT DRIVE ME CRAZY!

I have the same experience Velcro and wonder the exact same thing - it's crazy-making!

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Originally Posted by CantExplain

Intelligence comes out in conversation.
I don't need to see the grades to know that almost everyone on this forum is well above average intellectually. Top 10%, mostly.

I see what you're saying CantExplain, but I still think he's going too far, and I don't think it's just because I'm always down on myself either. There are many facets to intelligence and he only sees a tiny portion of me, for a tiny portion of time, every few weeks. Just because I'm introspective and can intellectualise until the cows come home, doesn't mean that my intelligence is in the 'gifted' range!! I'd talk to T about it but, by the time my appt finally arrives, I'll have minimised it into almost-non-existence, and he'll have another agenda then anyway...

*Willow*

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