These are messages to T really. I want to share and ask for support but I feel too exhausted and broken to explain it. I hope this explains enough. Thank you, PC friends

I found it, the explanation of what's happening, in the book...

'as the therapist gains access to the abandoned child, they activate all of the patient's needs and longings that have been unmet.'

it has always confused me that when my mother was the one who was nearly good enough, i spent my whole life searching for a mother instead of a father. here it is, now.

when i was little and had bad dreams in the night my mama would sing a christmas carol.

'the hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight'.

this now is something that cannot be met in you. tonight or any night. you met so much of the need for a mother. but you activated the need for a father and you can do nothing to make this one better. these are the bad dreams night after night with noone to sing them away. in this you are only the can opener. and these are the worms which will eat me alive

Just wanted to add that I had noticed my increasing obsession with T's husband in his role as father to their little girl. I think a lot about what that's like. I think it's complicated by the fact that he's also a T and I have had a very tiny amount of unavoidable contact with him. Last night I had a terrible dream that I was doing absolutely everything possible to get his attention, and he completely ignored me. And this morning it hit me that while T can meet my need for a mother to some extent, he will never ever meet my need for a father. And when I explained this realisation to T, she sounded so baffled I'd ever even fantasized that he could... I felt so utterly stupid. She just kept saying 'but you can't possibly have thought...' and I back peddled furiously, telling her I was just saying it to see how she'd react etc. So afraid she'd take it all away, or love me less, or think less of me. I sent her this, but I don't even know if this explains it.

i know it sounded stupid, desperate, a psychotic-like losing touch of reality. i don't know if you felt repulsed, bewildered, or like just plain mocking me for being so ridiculous. but here's the thing: this little girl came to therapy knowing that you would never ever love her. and slowly and suddenly (both at once), you did. the impossible 26-year long wish came true, and you loved me and cared for me in all the ways i'd ever wanted. the thing i'd not dared to imagine, i held in my hand. and i think she thought: if the impossible has happened once, could it not happen again? if i tricked you, could i not somehow trick him? i knew. i did know. but i also 'knew' that you would never love me. until you did.

[pegasus]

You are definitely not stupid.

I don't know where you are at in your therapy, I haven't read any of your previous recent posts. But I'll tell you to be gentle with you. You've come to a place in therapy that insight is found. The child within and the parent relationship or not as is often the case. You might find it helpful to look up transactional analysis.

[karebear1]

My heart is just breaking for you right now improving. I wish I had answers and sound reasoning for you, but I don't.

I just wanted to send you a Your posts sound so sad, but also full of insight. Please be gentle with yourself as you work through this with T.

*Willow*

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by pegasus

transactional analysis.

This.

My last T used TA with me. I don't have a lot of information for you, but I think your words to your T were rather insightful regarding your relationship with your parents.

[CantExplain]

My T seems to be nondenominational. She's a psychotherapist, period.

[rainbow8]

I'm so sorry you're feeling bad, Improving. You're not stupid to think about T's H or have fantasies that can't happen. I wish your T hadn't acted surprised because a T should ideally accept whatever your feelings are. I wish I could hug you right now for real instead of giving you these hugs.I can almost feel your pain. The wanting is so hard.

Thank you for your support everyone. I feel a bit better today- a bit more distracted by work at least. But I am not looking forward to this next part of therapy. After wishing my whole life, I had finally found a way for T to feel like 'enough'. I just didn't see this massive new loss and deprivation right around the corner.