[SoupDragon]

I have been driving myself crazy with the T stuff being in my head, of wanting to be there, but also wanting to push away.

So I have been trying to think OK if I don't want to go then why don't I quit, conversely if I do want to go why don't I stop the not wanting to go "mind chatter".

I realised it is because there are both reasons that I want to go and reasons why I don't - maybe the "push / pull" that my T has spoken of.

So herewith () my lists

Do want to go

Enjoy being heard
Space away from other stuff in my life
Safe
Supported
Encouraged
Experience of kindness from T

Don't want to go

Don't want to feel close
Fear of experiencing loss at the end of the work
Fear of rejection

So probably if I spend some more time thinking of these, it will tell me more about how things are for me IRL, what my needs are maybe???

I am going to really try to share this with T at my next session, but thought I'd run it by PC first.

Soup vs

[stopdog]

Do want to go

Enjoy being heard
Space away from other stuff in my life
Safe
Supported
Encouraged
Experience of kindness from T

Have you felt those things or do you keep going because of hope that you will?

[geez]

Thank you for posting this! I am going through this as well.

[pbutton]

I'm really interested to hear how this goes. I think many of us can relate.

[Wren_]

the hard part of this is that it's probably those reasons you've identified as reasons for not wanting to go, that you need to work on most? while hopefully being able to do it in the environment you know is safe, supportive and where you will be heard. I think you've done a great job with the list soup ... and hope you share it with T

[onebluegirl]

well what about having a therapist but maybe they can never actually answer your questions? has your therapist has ever been through what youve been through?

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Have you felt those things or do you keep going because of hope that you will?

Hmmm that made me think.

I think in my difficult moments I would have said no I have not felt those things - but if I look beyond that really hard and be really honest, yes at times I have experienced those things even for a moment - now there's a revelation.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I'm really interested to hear how this goes. I think many of us can relate.

Oh no that impliesI have to try really really hard to share with T so I can feedback

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

the hard part of this is that it's probably those reasons you've identified as reasons for not wanting to go, that you need to work on most? while hopefully being able to do it in the environment you know is safe, supportive and where you will be heard. I think you've done a great job with the list soup ... and hope you share it with T

Yes I think you are right - it is easier to focus on the reasons for wanting to go as that is the nice stuff, but yes the not wanting to go stuff maybe is the stuff to look at with T. If I can crack those fears then maybe it will make it easier going to look at the other things in my life.

Thanks tigergirl - Soup

[roads]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Oh no that impliesI have to try really really hard to share with T so I can feedback

NoNoNo. We support each other. We don't send one out as cave canary/ark pigeon, Soup! You are not the PC Test Dragon!

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Roadie

NoNoNo. We support each other. We don't send one out as cave canary/ark pigeon, Soup! You are not the PC Test Dragon!

lol - sometimes it is good for me to give myself a little pressure, even if I construe it from words that aren't there

But actually that is really interesting Roadie as I am aware that I do that in other areas of my life - I will put myself forward to do stuff that others may be wary of - why do I do that I wonder? Shall add it to the interesting things to explore list -

[WePow]

((((SoupDragon))))
Therapy is where we are safe to experience all the pushing and pulling of a relationship. There are reasons why you feel what you feel. There are things about you and your history which impact all relationships.
Honor the feelings and be honest about them.
You are safe to express those fears in therapy.
You are safe to run and hide if you need to do that as well.
You are safe to get mad at T or tell T you are upset about something.
This is why the therapy relationship is different than other relationships.
It allows us that space where we can heal THROUGH working out these things.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Don't want to go
Don't want to feel close
Fear of experiencing loss at the end of the work
Fear of rejection

.... fear of change? I know it's true for me to some extent; even if the present is painful, change is unfamilar territory, very scary.

[jazzy123456]

Wepow, what you said was so helpful. i am DEFINITLEY struggling with this right now.

i have been experiencing that push-pull feeling...

i feel like maybe the problem isn't therapy... even though I react the strongest in therapy to things that bother me,

it also makes it the strongest place for change for that same very reason,
the strongest place to grow... in a safe way...

but, i worry that i am too clingy with my T. i don't like those feelings.