[2or3things]

Sorry this is so long, and probably more than anyone wants to know about me. Still...

Do you ever feel like you don’t know what you’re doing in therapy? I mean, not that you don’t know why you’re there, but that you have no idea how to get from where you are to where you want to go?

My T is really hands off/nondirective. For example, she always waits for me to identify a topic of conversation. I get what that’s about. Still, I’ve been with her for 3 years now, and 90% of the time the first words out of my mouth have always been and continue to be “I don’t really have anything to say.”

On the one hand, I’ve come to her with huge issues I know I need to resolve. On the other hand, lots of them go back to my parents, and since there’s not currently anything going on with them (because we live far apart and don’t speak all that often), I don’t really have any clear jumping off point.

Complicating all this is the fact that I’ve cut myself off from risk-taking and my own emotions for so long that I don’t know what I feel about much of anything and am afraid to figure it out. So even when she does finally ask a question or two about how something felt or feels, my answer is “I don’t know,” etc. Further complicating it all is that I’m somewhat afraid to trust her…not because she’s not trustworthy, but because I’m afraid of needing her too much and her rejecting me or something. So it never feels safe to say much of anything, even though what I want most in the world is to be able to feel close to her and say whatever it is I’ve been unable to say thus far.

I don’t know. I’m just at such a standstill about all of this with her. And after 3 years of waiting for me to open my mouth, I’m worried that she’s getting as tired of it as I am. She keeps telling me that I just need to start talking about it all instead of avoiding it. But even though I know what my issues are, I really don’t know what to say (since I don’t know what I feel) or how I’d even make myself say it if I did. True to her strategy (training), she seems to just wait. I’m committed to sticking with her (can’t imagine another 3 years of this with someone else!). But I don’t know how to get anywhere.

Any thoughts or similar experiences? I’d be so, so grateful to hear them.

Thanks!

[chipperdear]

I still haven't seen a therapist so this is just a thought, but maybe writing things down would help you? That way you aren't "telling" your T things that are painful or that you aren't comfortable saying, but she still is able to know what those things are. Or maybe make a set of flashcards with different emotions listed on them, and when you think of something, pick out a flashcard that seems to fit the best, and maybe jot down a note or two about the thought on the back and bring them with you to your T? Maybe that would help open the line of communication a bit.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

I’ve cut myself off from risk-taking and my own emotions for so long that I don’t know what I feel about much of anything and am afraid to figure it out.

I’m somewhat afraid to trust her…not because she’s not trustworthy, but because I’m afraid of needing her too much and her rejecting me or something. So it never feels safe to say much of anything, even though what I want most in the world is to be able to feel close to her and say whatever it is I’ve been unable to say thus far.

Hi 2 or 3, I think that you need to just do it. If you are waiting for the fear to go away before you start you will be waiting forever. The only way for fear to go away is to face it and do it.

[Ygrec23]

I had quite a number of therapy experiences just like yours, 2or3. But in my most recent round, for about 18 months now, I've been taking a very different tack. In the old days I always used to wait for T's lead during a session. And that frequently led to dead silence for a long time. I sat there wondering where we were going and how, and T never explained and I never asked. This was a waste of time.

This time, I went into therapy with very clear goals (but knowing that those goals would continually be refined as I understood more about myself). And I planned out my own layperson's map on how to get where I wanted to go. I told T of this and also told her that I expected "course correction" from her as we went along.

And this has worked out wonderfully well. With an infinitely greater amount of progress than I've ever made before. Patients really, really need to "take control" of their own mental and emotional reconstruction project, with T as the supervising architect or engineer. And believe me, T WILL chime in when necessary. But the basic responsibility rests on us, the patients.

Therapy is not like going to a barbershop to have your hair cut. It's not a matter of hoisting yourself into the chair and then letting the barber take over. It's not at all a passive process. On the contrary, it's a VERY active process in which the patient is doing far more than fifty percent of the work.

I've found that journaling (and sharing the journal with T) helps me plan out which questions I want to deal with now and which later. It helps me focus on particular questions and issues that I feel are directly relevant to the problems I want to solve, to the behavior I want to change, to the life patterns that have been negative for me.

And T jumps in and helps if I'm going in what she believes is the right direction. There are different ways that T's do this. They rarely (in my experience) outright tell you don't do this, do that. No. They might make a mysterious remark or ask a strange question and you have to figure it out on your own.

The basic thinking behind all of this non-activity or mysterious activity on T's part is simple: the only way people really change in therapy is if they discover everything on their own. So all T's at all times are guarding against telling you very much, because if they do so they're going to ruin your therapy.

And your T really is just waiting for you to do all the above. And she's telling you that. T's do feel that they're earning their fees by just sitting there and waiting for you. I don't know if that makes you feel as angry as I felt when I learned this, but I'll tell you: it really, really pissed me off before I was able to accept it.

Best of luck! Take care.

[vanessaG]

I have/do feel this way but I've only been w/ T for 6 months. I have the same issues as you. I decided one day to email him a list. It felt so good to write everything down. The more I wrote, everything came pouring out.
I emailed to him...that was the scary part lol. && when I showed up for my next session, I was so scared....but I found that he printed it up...and instead of kinda bs sessions, we jumped right in and said 'so I'm curious about what you wrote here' & I couldn't really sink down in the couch w/ ummmm idk, because it was all down on paper, in detail, in his hand!

I don't know if this may help you, but just a suggestion
I hope you are able to talk to your T

[Nelliecat]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

Sorry this is so long, and probably more than anyone wants to know about me. Still...

Do you ever feel like you don’t know what you’re doing in therapy? I mean, not that you don’t know why you’re there, but that you have no idea how to get from where you are to where you want to go?

My T is really hands off/nondirective. For example, she always waits for me to identify a topic of conversation. I get what that’s about. Still, I’ve been with her for 3 years now, and 90% of the time the first words out of my mouth have always been and continue to be “I don’t really have anything to say.”

On the one hand, I’ve come to her with huge issues I know I need to resolve. On the other hand, lots of them go back to my parents, and since there’s not currently anything going on with them (because we live far apart and don’t speak all that often), I don’t really have any clear jumping off point.

Complicating all this is the fact that I’ve cut myself off from risk-taking and my own emotions for so long that I don’t know what I feel about much of anything and am afraid to figure it out. So even when she does finally ask a question or two about how something felt or feels, my answer is “I don’t know,” etc. Further complicating it all is that I’m somewhat afraid to trust her…not because she’s not trustworthy, but because I’m afraid of needing her too much and her rejecting me or something. So it never feels safe to say much of anything, even though what I want most in the world is to be able to feel close to her and say whatever it is I’ve been unable to say thus far.

I don’t know. I’m just at such a standstill about all of this with her. And after 3 years of waiting for me to open my mouth, I’m worried that she’s getting as tired of it as I am. She keeps telling me that I just need to start talking about it all instead of avoiding it. But even though I know what my issues are, I really don’t know what to say (since I don’t know what I feel) or how I’d even make myself say it if I did. True to her strategy (training), she seems to just wait. I’m committed to sticking with her (can’t imagine another 3 years of this with someone else!). But I don’t know how to get anywhere.

Any thoughts or similar experiences? I’d be so, so grateful to hear them.

Thanks!

Oh yes, I could have written this myself!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

I really don’t know what to say (since I don’t know what I feel) or how I’d even make myself say it if I did.

One way my T helped me (in about year 6 or 7 :-) was to suggest, and I agreed, that I not say, "I don't know" anymore. No one else can know what we feel, we have to look (or, as my T said, "check your heart") and see what is there. It can take awhile but trying instead of allowing all the fear to jump up and derail the search inside can be worthwhile.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

Complicating all this is the fact that I’ve cut myself off from risk-taking and my own emotions for so long that I don’t know what I feel about much of anything and am afraid to figure it out.

I think this may be the key sentence.

If you want to "get somewhere", you may need to take some risks.

There are some exercises you can do in therapy specifically to practice risk-taking.

Excercise 1: Say to T, "I have real problems with taking risks. Can we do some exercises in risk-taking?"

[2or3things]

Thanks, everyone, for your replies. I agree with those of you who've said I just need to take the leap. (And true enough, Sannah, if I keep waiting for the fear to disappear, I'll be waiting forever.)

Thanks for the suggestion about writing things down, Chipper & Vanessa. Believe it or not, I write a lot. But when I get to T, I decide it's all junk and down bring it up. Thanks, too, Nelliecat...it's helpful to know that others have been where I'm at...hugs to you.

Perna, I like your T's rule about not saying "I don't know." I've tried that, but I get embarassed because when I try to slow down and think, I draw a blank if I get too close to an emotion. A lot of times I can't even remember what I'm supposed to be thinking about. But maybe I'll just have to try and be OK with long pauses and see where it gets me.

Ygrec, I get what you're saying. I know I've been really hesitatant to try to take the lead, even though 3 years have shown me that's exactly what I need to do. I think it's about being afraid to make mistakes and look foolish. Blech. I sort of had to laugh at what you said about getting angry about Ts earning their fees whether we're doing the work we need to or not. Last year my T hired someone new to do her billing/statements, and I got a year-end statement for the first time that year. Seeing that crazy amount of money I'd spent to say nothing really did shock me (though I got angry with myself, really). I can say I've made a bit of progress since then, at least.

And oh, CantExplain, you're right. Reading your final sentence made me feel sick, so I know you're onto something.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by 2or3things;2226635
[FONT=Arial

Do you ever feel like you don’t know what you’re doing in therapy? [/FONT]

Every week that I have met with the therapist for a year and a half

[unaluna]

my past 3-4 years with this t, I set a theme each january. maybe if you do a retrospective, it will help you choose one for this year?