[Chopin99]

I was at a local provider meeting for all different types of mental health providers this morning. In a portion specifically related to T's, providers of enhanced services, and CAHBA agencies, this list was read:

Top 25 Things NOT to Say (or do) to Someone in Crisis

By Lisa Dietz

1. Tell them to stop thinking about the past.
2. Try to relate to them by comparing what they are telling you to your own experience like the time when your purse was stolen or you went through your divorce.
3. Use what they are saying as an invitation to talk about how bad you're feeling.
4. Tell them that everything happens for a reason.
5. Walk away, hang up the phone, or laugh.
6. Tell them how strange/foolish/crazy they are to feel or think such things.
7. Invite them to have sex.
8. Interrupt them to tell a funny story about your cat.
9. Tell them they couldn't possibly be feeling or doing or thinking whatever they just told you.
10. Tell them that their feelings are silly, meaningless or inappropriate.
11. Try to solve their problems for them.
12. Tell them to pray to Jesus.
13. Ask them lots of questions about their past.
14. Tell them to "pick themselves up by the bootstraps" and get on with life.
15. Tell them to talk to a psychiatrist (so you don't have to listen).
16. Try to cheer them up by telling jokes or uplifting stories.
17. Offer them a drink (alcoholic).
18. Tell them how much better you would have handled the situation.
19. Tell them that whatever they're upset about or whatever they have experienced is God's will.
20. Dramatize their pain by being shocked at everything they say.
21. Give them unsolicited advice.
22. Pretend they're not really in crisis and change the subject.
23. Tell them that they're letting their imagination run wild.
24. Compare what they're telling you to other people you know who are crazy, hospitalized, manic, schizophrenic, and/or dead (especially when they've committed suicide).
25. Tell them that someday they'll look back at this and laugh.

I'm still trying to figure out if this is funny or decidedly NOT. Admittedly, the lady presenting the list did not get too many LOL's.

[stopdog]

Did they provide a list of what to do?

#7 kind of made me think the list was a joke.

[Towanda]

Add to that list "Don't laugh when someone tells you they're suicidal and they hate being alive." I had a pdoc do that to me once. Never forgotten it and how it made me feel.

[notz]

What's real and what's not? Which ones are ok and which one's are not?

[kitten16]

This is great!

Sadly, there are therapists who do a lot of these things!

If there's a theme in this, I'd say the overall effect here is minimization. I've often thought that narcissism has been incorrectly cast as a disease. It's how we all begin. Every infant is a narcissistic missile, and many people never develop or move beyond this. It's our human default setting!

Most people are simply flummoxed when presented with another person's pain. It's mysterious, or doesn't seem real, or just is irrelevant. It can't possibly be as important as their own pain, which they'd MUCH rather talk about.

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I was at a local provider meeting for all different types of mental health providers this morning. In a portion specifically related to T's, providers of enhanced services, and CAHBA agencies, this list was read:

Top 25 Things NOT to Say (or do) to Someone in Crisis

By Lisa Dietz

1. Tell them to stop thinking about the past.
2. Try to relate to them by comparing what they are telling you to your own experience like the time when your purse was stolen or you went through your divorce.
3. Use what they are saying as an invitation to talk about how bad you're feeling.
4. Tell them that everything happens for a reason.
5. Walk away, hang up the phone, or laugh.
6. Tell them how strange/foolish/crazy they are to feel or think such things.
7. Invite them to have sex.
8. Interrupt them to tell a funny story about your cat.
9. Tell them they couldn't possibly be feeling or doing or thinking whatever they just told you.
10. Tell them that their feelings are silly, meaningless or inappropriate.
11. Try to solve their problems for them.
12. Tell them to pray to Jesus.
13. Ask them lots of questions about their past.
14. Tell them to "pick themselves up by the bootstraps" and get on with life.
15. Tell them to talk to a psychiatrist (so you don't have to listen).
16. Try to cheer them up by telling jokes or uplifting stories.
17. Offer them a drink (alcoholic).
18. Tell them how much better you would have handled the situation.
19. Tell them that whatever they're upset about or whatever they have experienced is God's will.
20. Dramatize their pain by being shocked at everything they say.
21. Give them unsolicited advice.
22. Pretend they're not really in crisis and change the subject.
23. Tell them that they're letting their imagination run wild.
24. Compare what they're telling you to other people you know who are crazy, hospitalized, manic, schizophrenic, and/or dead (especially when they've committed suicide).
25. Tell them that someday they'll look back at this and laugh.

I'm still trying to figure out if this is funny or decidedly NOT. Admittedly, the lady presenting the list did not get too many LOL's.

This is a really strange list.

[Chopin99]

stopdog...the list IS intended to be a joke. Like a "duh...providers should know this" kind of thing. However, I am not finding it that funny...nor did the other providers in the room.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

stopdog...the list IS intended to be a joke. Like a "duh...providers should know this" kind of thing. However, I am not finding it that funny...nor did the other providers in the room.

Why not?

[cbreeze22]

2, 5, 6, 9, 10, 22 - and that was just one session

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Why not?

For one, I've had a couple of these actually happen to me as a client...specifically #2, #4, #16, #19, and #25. Two, it comes off sort of degrading (oh, this is what T's and providers talk about in their trainings/meetings) and I'm not easily offended!

[pbutton]

My T is on the crisis team. He did do #16 on my intake appt. I don't think it was to cheer me up though. I think it was to see how far down I was & if I could be reached w/humor. I should ask him sometime.

[Wren_]

I'm not sure where the part about it being funny comes in; i know i've experienced about half of these responses though including the cat

[Velvet Cactus]

Originally Posted by kitten16

This is great!

Sadly, there are therapists who do a lot of these things!

If there's a theme in this, I'd say the overall effect here is minimization. I've often thought that narcissism has been incorrectly cast as a disease. It's how we all begin. Every infant is a narcissistic missile, and many people never develop or move beyond this. It's our human default setting!

Most people are simply flummoxed when presented with another person's pain. It's mysterious, or doesn't seem real, or just is irrelevant. It can't possibly be as important as their own pain, which they'd MUCH rather talk about.

Hi Kitten! Thank you for bringing up minimization-I was struggling to describe a behaviour and this is it. You are so right about narcissism being our 'default mode'. And it can really impact you if you were an only child!
Velvet

[Chopin99]

I gave T a couple of examples today and she did not find it funny whatsoever.

[learning1]

I thought it was distasteful, especially for the context where u said it was given. For nontherapists who don't usually deal with this kind of thing, some of whom genuinely dont have a clue that these things are inappropriate, maybe it would be okay as a joke, but not for people who would know this (or sure the he** should) and who would have to deal with real crises.

[growlycat]

A similar list below: This one I've heard directly from cops (who were in a tech training class with me!)

7. “HEY YOU! COME HERE!”

Consider, you are on patrol and you see someone suspicious you want to talk with, so you most naturally say, “Hey you! Come here!” Verbal Judo teaches that “natural language is disastrous!” and this provides a wonderful example. You have just warned the subject that he is in trouble. “Come here” means to you, “Over here, you are under my authority.” But to the subject it means, “Go away-quickly!” The words are not tactical for they have provided a warning and possibly precipitated a chase that would not have been necessary had you, instead, walked casually in his direction and once close said, “Excuse me. Could I chat with momentarily?” Notice this question is polite, professional, and calm.

Also notice, you have gotten in close, in his “space” though not his “face,” and now you are too close for him to back off, giving you a ration of verbal trouble, as could have easily been the case with the “Hey you! Come here!” opening.

The ancient samurai knew never to let an opponent pick the place of battle for then the sun would always be in your eyes! “Come here” is loose, lazy, and ineffective language. Easy, but wrong. Tactically, “May I chat with you” is far better, for not only have you picked the place to talk, but anything the subject says, other than yes or no-the question you asked-provides you with intelligence regarding his emotional and/or mental state. Let him start any ‘dance’ of resistance.

Point: Polite civility can be a weapon of immense power!

6. “CALM DOWN!”

Consider this verbal blunder. You approach some angry folks and you most naturally say, “Hey, calm down!” This command never works, so why do we always use it? Because it flows naturally from our lips!

What’s wrong with it? One, the phrase is a criticism of their behavior and suggests that they have no legitimate right to be upset! Hence, rather than reassuring them that things will improve, which should be your goal, you have created a new problem! Not only is there the matter they were upset about to begin with, but now they need to defend their reaction to you! Double the trouble!

Better, put on a calming face and demeanor-in Verbal Judo we say, ‘Chameleon up’-look the person in the eye and say, gently, “It’s going to be all right. Talk to me. What’s the matter?” The phrase "What’s the matter?’ softens the person up to talk and calm down; where ‘Calm down’ hardens the resistance. The choice is yours!

5. “I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU AGAIN!”

We teach in Verbal Judo that ‘repetition is weakness on the streets!’ and you and I both know that this phrase is almost always a lie. You will say it again, and possibly again and again!

Parents do it all the time with their kids, and street cops do it with resistant subjects, all the time! The phrase is, of course, a threat, and voicing it leaves you only one viable option-action! If you are not prepared to act, or cannot at the time, you lose credibility, and with the loss of creditability comes the loss of power and safety!

Even if you are prepared to act, you have warned the subject that you are about to do so and forewarned is forearmed! Another tactical blunder! Like the rattlesnake you have made noise, and noise can get you hurt or killed. Better to be more like the cobra and strike when least suspected!

If you want to stress the seriousness of your words, say something like, ‘Listen, it’s important that you get this point, so pay close attention to what I’m about to tell you.’

If you have used Verbal Judo’s Five Steps of Persuasion you know that we act after asking our “nicest, most polite question,”

“Sir, is there anything I could say that would get you to do A, B and C? I’d like to think so?”

If the answer is NO, we act while the subject is still talking! We do not telegraph our actions nor threaten people, but we do act when verbal persuasion fails.

4. “BE MORE REASONABLE!”

Telling people “be more reasonable” has many of the same problems as “Calm Down!” Everyone thinks h/she is plenty reasonable given the present circumstances! I never have had anyone run up to me and say, “Hey, I know I’m stupid and wrong, but here’s what I think!” although I have been confronted by stupid and wrong people! You only invite conflict when you tell people to “be more reasonable!”

Instead, make people more reasonable by the way in which you handle them, tactically! Use the language of reassurance-“Let me see if I understand your position,” and then paraphrase-another VJ tactic!-back to them their meaning, as you see it, in your words! Using your words will calm them and make them more reasonable because your words will (or better be!) more professional and less emotional.

This approach absorbs the other’s tension and makes him feel your support. Now you can help them think more logically and less destructively, without making the insulting charge implied in your statement, “Be more reasonable!”

[growlycat]

3. “BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE RULES” (or “THAT’S THE LAW!”)

If ever there was a phrase that irritates people and makes you look weak, this is it!

If you are enforcing rules/laws that exist for good reason, don’t be afraid to explain that! Your audience may not agree with or like it, but at least they have been honored with an explanation. Note, a true sign of REspect is to tell people why, and telling people why generates voluntary compliance. Indeed, we know that at least 70% of resistant or difficult people will do what you want them to do if you will just tell them why!

When you tell people why, you establish a ground to stand on, and one for them as well! Your declaration of why defines the limits of the issue at hand, defines your real authority, but also gives the other good reason for complying, not just because you said so! Tactically, telling people why gets your ego out of it and put in its place a solid, professional reason for action.

Even at home, if all you can do is repeat, “those are the rules,” you sound and look weak because you apparently cannot support your order/request with logic or good reason. Indeed, if you can put rules or policies into context and explain how the rules or policies are good for everyone, you not only help people understand, you help them save face. Hence, you are much more likely to generate voluntary compliance, which is your goal!

2. “WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?”

This snotty, useless phrase turns the problem back on the person needing assistance. It signals this is a “you-versus-me” battle rather than an “us” discussion. The typical reaction is, “It’s not my problem. You’re the problem!”

The problem with the word problem is that it makes people feel deficient or even helpless. It can even transport people back to grade school where they felt misunderstood and underrated. Nobody likes to admit h/she has a problem. That’s a weakness! When asked, “what’s your problem?” the other already feels a failure. So the immediate natural reaction is, “I don’t have one, you do!” which is a reaction that now hides a real need for help.

Substitute tactical phrases designed to soften and open someone up, like “What’s the matter?”, “How can I help?”, or “I can see you’re upset, let me suggest . . . .”

Remember, as an officer of peace, it is your business to find ways to gather good intel and to help those in need, not to pass judgments.

1. “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?”

A great cop-out (no pun…)! This pseudo-question, always accompanied by sarcasm, is clearly an evasion of responsibility and a clear sign of a lack of creativity! The phrase really reveals the speaker’s exasperation and lack of knowledge. Often heard from untrained sales clerks and young officers tasked with figuring out how to help someone when the rules are not clear.

When you say, “What do you want me to do about it?” you can count on two problems: the one you started with and the one you just created by appearing to duck responsibility.

Instead, tactically offer to help sort out the problem and work toward a solution. If it truly is not in your area of responsibility, point the subject to the right department or persons that might be able to solve the problem.

If you are unable or unqualified to assist and you haven’t a clue as to how to help the person, apologize. Such an apology almost always gains you an ally, one you may need at same later date. Beat cops need to remember it is important to “develop a pair of eyes” (contacts) every time they interact with the public. Had the officer said to the complainant, for example, “I’m sorry, I really do not know what to recommend, but I wish I did, I’d like to help you,” and coupled that statement with a concerned tone of voice and a face of concern, he would have gone a long way toward making that person more malleable and compliant for the police later down the road.

Remember, insult strengthens resistance and shuts the eyes. Civility weakens resistance and opens the eyes!

It’s tactical to be nice!

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by learning1

I thought it was distasteful, especially for the context where u said it was given. For nontherapists who don't usually deal with this kind of thing, some of whom genuinely dont have a clue that these things are inappropriate, maybe it would be okay as a joke, but not for people who would know this (or sure the he** should) and who would have to deal with real crises.

There were plenty of us non-therapists in the room who have to deal with crisis situations everyday in our jobs! The mental health field is diverse. My staff and I had to deal with a crisis situation with a schizophrenic man on Tuesday. We most definitely have a clue. Like I said, everyone in the room found it decidedly unfunny.

growlycat...I love your list!

[unaluna]

best posts ever.

[notz]

My p-doc and I have been steady now for 14+ years. We're not "friends" but the relationship is more than strict "doctor/patient".

In all these years, some from the list have happened. Nothing has ever been in a mean spirited way. Nothing has ever been disrespectful.

The list first struck me as saying my p-doc was wrong or bad and that shook me up. Also, it bothered me that I felt alone with the concerns of my original post.

I've followed the thread and have given my concerns a lot of thoughtful attention. I trust my p-doc. She's never said anything I considered untoward in any way. She does, however, say things I don't want to hear!

I would say the one who handed out that list crossed a line. That's the kind of thing you keep in small, casual circles. Hardly appropriate in a professional setting.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Did they provide a list of what to do?

#7 (invitation to sex) kind of made me think the list was a joke.

I suspect that this is quite a common response from insensitive husbands.

Eg: "Stop griping and come to bed. I've got everything you need right here."