[healed84]

I am a female.. a female with major trust issues surrounding males. Why, oh why.. did I decide on a male T? Oh, yeah.. b/c he was the one I could get into. We were talking about my trust issues yesterday, and that started getting me thinking about trusting him. He hasn't done anything not to trust him, but thinking about trusting him makes me very nervous now.

Then... we were talking about possible side effects of the meds I should be taking. He mentioned one of them could be lower sex drive.. I am pretty sure this is how I looked when I heard the word sex come out of his mouth. It made me realize that at some point that subject will come out at greater length.. and well that scares the heck out of me. I talk about that with my husband and my closest girl friends and that is it.

I am really hoping I can get past my issues, b/c I think we are a great match for each other as far as a thearputic relationship goes.

[SallyBrown]

You can do it, Healed . It was definitely weird talking about sex to a male T for me, but I just took it little by little. I still don't talk to him the way I'd talk to my husband or girlfriends, but it's getting there.

It's funny you say this, because the other day I was talking about some of the things I would like my husband to do in bed that for some reason, he doesn't really, even though he enjoys them as much as I do. T said, "Is there any way you could tell me what those things are?" And I involuntarily gave a look that would have turned him to stone had I been staring directly at him, and he burst out laughing. He said, "I take that to mean, 'No f***ing way!', am I correct?"

[learning1]

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

It's funny you say this, because the other day I was talking about some of the things I would like my husband to do in bed that for some reason, he doesn't really, even though he enjoys them as much as I do. T said, "Is there any way you could tell me what those things are?" And I involuntarily gave a look that would have turned him to stone had I been staring directly at him, and he burst out laughing. He said, "I take that to mean, 'No f***ing way!', am I correct?"

lol

more characters

[learning1]

idk healed, I've just been hoping my t doesn't ever push me to talk about that. He did really push the issue of what I think about my appearance when I first started talking to him, and that annoyed me a bit since he had some sexist things to say, although he admitted it when I finally brought it up to him. idk if I'm going to keep talking to my current t for other reasons now. But if you think your t is a good match for you, I'd say go for it. It's his job to help you feel comfortable with what you need to talk about. Do you expect you'll want or need to talk about sex particularly?

[Silent_tsol]

You're braver than I am. When I started looking, I ONLY looked at female Ts.

I am so much more squeamish with other women than I am with men, even when it comes to talking about sex. My mother was so so unsafe to discuss anything sexual with. Even my sister was kind of a freak sometimes. My dad was safe in that way, even though he was physically abusive.

So, I'm pretty much okay talking about sex with my male T. He was a little embarrassed the first time we talked in any detail about issues I was having with my husband, but he's gotten more comfortable also as our relationship has continued.

[growlycat]

My T is a male and this is a hard bridge to cross, but I find that he tries extra hard to be sensitive around sexual issues/body issues.

Sorry if TMI below-----------------------
I have problems w/ovarian cysts and I had a year or two with crazy periods. He helped me track them better (I'm disorganized around this methodical way of doing things)
While writing stuff down he mused that he had never done this with anyone, and I thought he said "not even my daughter". Feels strange but I felt cared for. You get past the weirdness.

[healed84]

Originally Posted by learning1

idk healed, I've just been hoping my t doesn't ever push me to talk about that. He did really push the issue of what I think about my appearance when I first started talking to him, and that annoyed me a bit since he had some sexist things to say, although he admitted it when I finally brought it up to him. idk if I'm going to keep talking to my current t for other reasons now. But if you think your t is a good match for you, I'd say go for it. It's his job to help you feel comfortable with what you need to talk about. Do you expect you'll want or need to talk about sex particularly?

Well, if I was honest with myself and him.. then yes, there is a particular event that happened in my life that involves these kinds of issues.. that I should probably talk about.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I am so much more squeamish with other women than I am with men, even when it comes to talking about sex.

And I thought I was the only one... Cheers.

[kitten16]

healed84, the fact that he's male is a huge positive part of the work you're doing with him. Once you can get through these awkward moments in session, you'll emerge with stronger trust in your T, and in men in general.

Bruno Bettelheim wrote a wonderful book about fairy tales called The Uses of Enchantment. He thought the sanitized Disney versions of fairy tales were awful, because they took out all the sex and death and blood and struggle of the original tales. This kind of commercial hack job on these great stories guts their significance for children, who need to explore their own difficult emotions and impulses in order to develop and survive.

Long story short, it isn't just the stories in their original form that children need. It's a child's mother, reading these tales to the child, that really does the trick. The fact that the child receives its mother's tacit permission to explore these difficult areas of life, and his own roiling emotions (which are otherwise suppressed and treated as unacceptable) is necessary to a child's healthy development.

The identity of the mother is important to the child. And in your case, the identity of your therapist, who is male, is also really important.

I think you've embarked on something very exciting here!

I like your handle btw, it's positive

Originally Posted by healed84

I am a female.. a female with major trust issues surrounding males. Why, oh why.. did I decide on a male T? Oh, yeah.. b/c he was the one I could get into. We were talking about my trust issues yesterday, and that started getting me thinking about trusting him. He hasn't done anything not to trust him, but thinking about trusting him makes me very nervous now.

Then... we were talking about possible side effects of the meds I should be taking. He mentioned one of them could be lower sex drive.. I am pretty sure this is how I looked when I heard the word sex come out of his mouth. It made me realize that at some point that subject will come out at greater length.. and well that scares the heck out of me. I talk about that with my husband and my closest girl friends and that is it.

I am really hoping I can get past my issues, b/c I think we are a great match for each other as far as a thearputic relationship goes.

[pbutton]

T once asked me if I liked sex. I responded with a yes... but it was this bizarre-evil petulent-crazy yes. The type of weirdo whiny gruntspeak that could only mean that the next logical question could only be "And you're obviously so deranged, who would possibly be willing to have sex with you?"

It was weird, but he caught me so off guard. I didn't realize the answer was going to come out all crazypants like that. I guess I was embarrassed? I'm not sure.

[healed84]

Originally Posted by pbutton

T once asked me if I liked sex. I responded with a yes... but it was this bizarre-evil petulent-crazy yes. The type of weirdo whiny gruntspeak that could only mean that the next logical question could only be "And you're obviously so deranged, who would possibly be willing to have sex with you?"

It was weird, but he caught me so off guard. I didn't realize the answer was going to come out all crazypants like that. I guess I was embarrassed? I'm not sure.

At least you got a word out, lol!! When I heard the word sex.. I froze. I just shook my head. When in reality, what I wanted to say was.. I wasn't worried about that side effect b/c anxiety and depression has pretty much gotten rid of my sex drive in the first place. However, I thought that might open up a whole other can worms that I was not ready to talk about yet.

[healed84]

Thanks Kitten for the encouragment.. Thanks for the compliment on my name. I was trying to come off postive at the time. I like looking at my name, and seeing that there is hope in healing from my issues

Originally Posted by pbutton

T once asked me if I liked sex. I responded with a yes... but it was this bizarre-evil petulent-crazy yes. The type of weirdo whiny gruntspeak that could only mean that the next logical question could only be "And you're obviously so deranged, who would possibly be willing to have sex with you?"

It was weird, but he caught me so off guard. I didn't realize the answer was going to come out all crazypants like that. I guess I was embarrassed? I'm not sure.

Laughing. So. Hard. People in the office are staring.
Going to print this off and save it. So so so funny

Still laughing. pbutton, you need to change your screen name to crazypants. Or I might change mine to that. Too funny.

[pbutton]

good, I'm glad something good came out of it. It was one of my weirdest moments in therapy. Hell, even T didn't have a follow-up comment.

[pbutton]

One thing I will add about my T - he's told me he used to work on the sexual abuse team & worked with the offenders. It definitely makes me feel like I can tell him ANYTHING without him being uncomfortable.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by pbutton

One thing I will add about my T - he's told me he used to work on the sexual abuse team & worked with the offenders. It definitely makes me feel like I can tell him ANYTHING without him being uncomfortable.

I used to work with offenders, so think I could handle hearing about T's sex life, just not so sure about sharing mine.

I have noticed that he has thrown in the odd sexual comment (well odd as in occasional and not weird), so maybe he is testing the water to see whether I will freak about discussing it.

Overall I do think I would find it easier to talk to a male T than a female. Good luck with this, let us know how it goes - Soup

I was totally unable to tell my T certain things about myself until he told me about a client he has who is a pedophile. He assured me that NOTHING I can say will be worse than things that guy says. I found it tremendously reassuring.

So, hopefully, you can discuss with your T your reluctance to discuss sexual topics and he can reassure you that it's a safe topic with him.

[Chopin99]

T and I haven't really talked about sex. However, I think I keep picking female T's because I'm trying to work through the mother figure thing with them. It seems to be working this time for me.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I was totally unable to tell my T certain things about myself until he told me about a client he has who is a pedophile.

That was a risky thing for him to tell you. Now every time you run into another of his patients you'll wonder: is he the one?

Originally Posted by CantExplain

That was a risky thing for him to tell you. Now every time you run into another of his patients you'll wonder: is he the one?

It's not terribly risky because his office is set up in such a way that o never run into any other clients. There is a separate exit.

[kitten16]

Yeah - and it's just so morally murky, and it places a unique burden on you, a client who has nothing to do with the whole thing - and suddenly this becomes YOUR problem!

I mean, aren't these people sworn to confidentiality, EXCEPT in the face of evidence that a client is committing a crime? Sexual abuse of a child would fall into that category. What if you asked the T if they'd reported the guy - and the T woudn't tell you?

I'd be worried, and wondering if the guy should be reported. The fact that someone is a confessed pedophile doesn't mean they're currently abusing any kids. But you don't know the situation, and the T wouldn't tell you.

You know, it just gets you all caught up in something that shouldn't be your problem, and it changes the focus of therapy - which should never stray to concerns about the T's other clients.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

That was a risky thing for him to tell you. Now every time you run into another of his patients you'll wonder: is he the one?

[SallyBrown]

I guess I don't see a problem with MKAC's T telling her that one of his patients is a pedophile. Just as we don't know walking down the street who is a pedophile and who isn't, she doesn't know which patient it is because of the setup, and her T sounds like he has it under control. For all we know the T doesn't need to report the guy because he's already a registered sex offender, and is currently seeing a therapist for all the right reasons.

Anyway what I am trying to say is, I believe MKAC's T used his discretion appropriately. He probably knows her well enough to know that she would not make the fact that he sees a pedophile her problem, but would rather take his small disclosure for what it is and get something out of it, which she did. He didn't compromise the patient's confidentiality in any way that I can see. I would be actually kind of surprised if my own T did NOT see people who had done truly awful things or had truly awful urges -- if he told me he did see one patient that did, I don't think it would blow me away (other than to remind me how hard his job must be). However, for other patients (I could see my mother being like this) it would be way too triggery and upsetting to know about. I think in this case it was ok.

[dazeofdolphins]

I have a male T and we have been together for 10 years, 3 times a week. We can abs have talked about everything. Somehow the issue of underwear came up on Valentine's Day. I playfully accused him of being a tidy-whitey guy. When he would not come clean with what he wears I told him that it wasn't fair because I have always answered all of his questions. I also accused him of not being playful - a big issue for us since we pride ourselves on being more playful than any other client/ therapist team while also having the safest boundaries. This got to him. He finally playfully answered my question and we had a good laugh. We really can talk about everything. Of course, there are clearly things I don't bring up because it is either none of my business or it is a boundary violation. Other than that, we talk about it all. We have even played out the fantasy about what would have happened if we met prior to doing therapy and we have openly discussed sex. Like I said, we are really open. I think this is because we have spent so much time talking about safety and boundaries and the reality that nothing would ever happen between us. It makes it safe to discuss the undiscussable. He knows what I like in bed and he knows what I would do to him in bed. Sounds crazy but our trust level is so high that there really are no taboos except for the boundary violations. Having said all of this, it isn't sex therapy so most of our talks pertain to other things like my depression or relationship issues. The point is that having a male therapist who is open like mine means you don't have to be limited in therapy. I truly believe that therapy is about the relationship you have with your T, not what gender assignment you have. Clearly, it takes time to build trust but having a male T should not limit you. He just needs to have his act together and feel comfortable talking about different issues with a female client. That means he should have been in his own therapy at some point and also have made use of consultations. Have fun exploring. There need not be strict limit with safe and healthy boundaries.
dazeofdolphins