i can't figure it out

ok, so i just got back from my weekly session. as you might know from my other threads, i always have a hard time between sessions because i feel abandoned and clingy to my T and always count down the days and hours until i get to see her again. i get so excited to see her every week.

so, with that in mind, the strangest thing happened today.

an hour or so before my session time, i felt no emotions about it, and actually didn't feel like going. i would have been just as happy running errands during that hour and skipping altogether. but i didn't. so, i went and the feeling stayed the ENTIRE time i was there.

i never got 'in the mood' to talk or anything. i just didn't want to be there. no reason for it, either. i wasn't fearful of talking, i wasn't avoiding any issues, i wasn't angry or annoyed... i just flat out didn't feel like being there. i counted down the minutes until it was over, and in the end, i got nothing out of it.

this is SO not like me... does this happen to people from time to time, where you're just not in the mood to go? this has never happened to me before. it was such a waste of a session. i should have cancelled, but i didn't... i thought i would regret cancelling and freak out about not seeing her for another week by choice. but now i regret going... it was such a lame use of time today...

i've had a few times like that; they feel really weird because they are so unlike the usual feelings but i can end up really resenting the time and my T when it happens. Instead of seeing it as a lame use of time; can you turn it around at all and talk to your T next time about the feelings that came up and use it towards your therapy?

Do you think that you got tired of needing her so much that you are pushing her away instead?

There's probably a saying about there being 'no such thing as a wasted therapy session' - or if there isn't there probably should be! Even if you don't realise you got something out of it, you probably did - even if it was only the realisation that you don't in fact orbit around your T

I've had sessions where I've come out like 'WTF?' But it always seems to lead somewhere. Like Tigergirl says, it could be interesting to discuss at your next session Could be that you're experiencing that old push/pull thing people talk about?

wow i never thought of it like that. this could be the case for me. i'm really hoping next week goes back to normal. i think i was also thrown off because i had a different session time today, and i had off work, so i was dressed in jeans which i'm not normally in (because i come from work- professional environment)... the whole thing just felt off to me. but i do think i am pushing her away for sure... i just don't want to spend a session talking about it ugh. i wonder if she thought today was off a bit? i don't think i'll ask her. she didn't act like she thought it was different... ok sorry, now i'm just going off on different tangents... stupid over-thinking brain.

thanks for this. i've heard many people say that there is no thing as a wasted session, but i gotta say... this was a WASTED session. i just wanted nothing to do with it... i felt so lazy about it, and just didn't care to have a conversation with my t.

thanks for the orbit comment! i'll have to remember what you said the next time i start obsessing about her again... which will probably be in about an hour, ha.