The subconscious must speak!

Hi gang!

I've just realised that everything in therapy is geared to making the subconscious speak.

Email and written notes come from the conscious mind, and the more we redraft them, the less subconscious content survives.

On the other hand, too much praise, reassurance or touching from T will satisfy the subconscious and leave it with nothing to say.

The Freudian slip, the gesture, the facial expression, the tears, the shouting: these are the stuff of therapy, when the subconscious speaks loudest. And that happens face to face, with a minimum of preparation.

This post contains no subconscious content. Thank you for listening to my conscious mind.

I can see that to a certain extent. However, praise reassurance etc only quiets things for a time before the other stuff comes screaming back. Sure, if it were a love fest all the time maybe nothing would get done. I for one need those islands of feeling good!

Yes, I agree. T has to give us enough so we keep coming back. My T gives the absolute minimum - or so I used to think...

They have to give us enough for the hope to continue. Its hope that is the motivating force.

I agree; without hope that we can change, we have no motivation to try. That's why it's so important for therapists to really get to know us, so that they can straddle that fine line between giving nothing of themselves and actually trying to fix the pain by satisfying unmet childhood needs.
But what happens when the therapist's idea of "just enough" repeatedly conflicts with the patient's desire for more? I can remember many times in my therapy when I felt unable to go on because therapy felt too retraumatizing and I came very close to leaving. At some point I think a leap of faith becomes necessary and we have to trust that working through the pain will yield far greater long term results even though it feels retraumatizing at the time.
My T always made a point of helping me understand the difference between something that feels retraumatizing and something that actually is retramatizing, and that's what often gave me hope and helped me trust him when my feelings were telling me to run. He helped me recognize the difference between someone who is withholding something in an abusive, controlling, or punishing way, and someone who is withholding something out of concern for my well-being. And that made all the difference in the world, because the evidence in our relationship always pointed to him being benevolent and caring rather than punishing and abusive, although early in our relationship I certainly accused him of being abusive when he withheld something I wanted. But gradually I learned the difference between feeling retraumatized and actually being retramatized, and that has helped me tremendously in my new relationships with other people, because there will always be times when we want something that someone does not want to give us. If our T does not help us understand that everyone has the right to say no and it doesn't mean the person is cruel, then where is our hope for connection and closeness outside of therapy?

Yup, that's therapy. Slogging it out, working out what is enough and what wasn't enough.

At first, my T would compliment aspects of my personality or praise my achievements. I'd respond, "What? What are you talking about? That is so insignificant. You do not know me." and variations. I saw no value in myself, hating myself more than anything. After about a thousand sessions and a million attempts by T for me to see something positive within me, I finally accept some of the things she says. I can say, "Yeah, I guess you are right. Not many can achieve that with my background." Or, "Yes, X and Y may think I am very nice, so it is possible that I am a nice, not mean, person." I can feel some personal pride.

So, no praise does not alway satisfy the subconscious, especially when the the person is at the point where I was.

Your're a hoot!
I have been in therapy so long, I wish my subconscious would just download what it has to say on a CD so I can move on!

hm... what about those cases when praise, reassurance or touching from T is triggering? Really can happen, y'know.

OK. But one thing I've learned at PC: ANYTHING can be a trigger.

I mean, we're good people and honestly trying to help, yet we trigger each other all the time.