[skysblue]

The way I look at therapy, now that I've been engaged with it for a few months, is that the process is like disrobing. I have slowly been taking off one piece of covering after another - sometimes quickly putting them back on when it's too chilly.

Becoming naked, metaphorically, in session I guess is the goal. At least that's what my T says, although she's never put it in those terms before. Total honesty and total revealing of our inner selves is supposed to lead to healing, self-acceptance, self-knowledge, self-growth and on and on.

But this act of becoming naked can be terrifying. It's like being on a huge stage all alone with the bright lights shining on you and being willing to strip to our bareness.

I suppose that stripping is not so terrible if what is seen beneath the clothing is beautiful and wonderful, but in my case (and not just metaphorically) what's underneath is ugly and grotesque.

Still, I carry one. Still, I continue to remove my garments, one by one. I think next week I may take off the last remnant. If I do, I will be more exposed than I ever have been before, indeed, 100% exposed. Last week, I took off the next to last piece and it was momentous. Will I be able to bear having my total nakedness seen? Will it be worth it - the terrible knowledge that someone sees me for who I am? Will this act of becoming nude bring any relief at all or will it only add to my shame?

Lots of risk but I have decided to trust my T. My life (emotional) is in her hands.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Total honesty and total revealing of our inner selves is supposed to lead to healing, self-acceptance, self-knowledge, self-growth and on and on.

It can work both ways such that you can work on self-acceptance, knowledge, or growth and have it make the revealing easier.

When I was in college I got a Christmas gift from a friend, a bra and panties set and went next door to model it for her, not realizing that her boyfriend was in her single dorm room. . . alone. I was there and revealed :-) so I used my head and realized that it did not look that different from a bathing suit, it probably wasn't something he hadn't ever seen before and I modeled it for him, in my best modelling style

We can undress and find out is is/is not too warm or cold for ourselves or we can decide we are/are not too warm or cold and undress/put on clothes.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by skysblue

The way I look at therapy, now that I've been engaged with it for a few months, is that the process is like disrobing. I have slowly been taking off one piece of covering after another - sometimes quickly putting them back on when it's too chilly.

Becoming naked, metaphorically, in session I guess is the goal. At least that's what my T says, although she's never put it in those terms before. Total honesty and total revealing of our inner selves is supposed to lead to healing, self-acceptance, self-knowledge, self-growth and on and on.

But this act of becoming naked can be terrifying. It's like being on a huge stage all alone with the bright lights shining on you and being willing to strip to our bareness.

I suppose that stripping is not so terrible if what is seen beneath the clothing is beautiful and wonderful, but in my case (and not just metaphorically) what's underneath is ugly and grotesque.

Still, I carry one. Still, I continue to remove my garments, one by one. I think next week I may take off the last remnant. If I do, I will be more exposed than I ever have been before, indeed, 100% exposed. Last week, I took off the next to last piece and it was momentous. Will I be able to bear having my total nakedness seen? Will it be worth it - the terrible knowledge that someone sees me for who I am? Will this act of becoming nude bring any relief at all or will it only add to my shame?

Lots of risk but I have decided to trust my T. My life (emotional) is in her hands.

That's a good metaphor, and a good attitude.

Ah, but how many times have I thought I was down to my last garment only to find there was another set of clothes underneath!

[WePow]

This was also how I saw my therapy. It can be very daunting to reveal so much while the other person is there fully clothed and watching. Uggg. But it is also rewarding to find the safety to do that. Kinda like going to any other doctor.

[WantingtoHeal]

Skysblue, that is a fantastic way of putting it. This is the way
I have felt in therapy..exposed, naked. Also, what is underneath
is ugly and gross, both mentally and physically. I am so ashamed. It must be such a relief for u
to slowly take the layers off and feel free. I admire u. I can tell
by ur post that u r a beautiful person. I hope u r able to
see it one day.

My animals r so unconditional in their love. I wish people
were like this too. I am not ashamed in front of my cats.

Anyway, I am glad u r trusting and risking with ur T. I think that
is very positive and healing.

[rainbow8]

I feel like I've exposed myself and am naked before my T too. I don't like the feeling at all, but like WePow said, it's like going to any other doctor. We don't like to undress, but we sometimes have to if we want to get cured.

skysblue, your T will not see you as ugly and grotesque. When a doctor is treating a disease that doesn't look pretty, he's not thinking about how ugly that person is! He's using all his skills to treat the person so as to heal him and make him well. That's what doctors and therapists do.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by WantingtoHeal

. It must be such a relief for u
to slowly take the layers off and feel free.

I can't say it's a relief - not yet anyway. Although the more T knows about me, the more she can work to bring me around to seeing things as they are instead of through my dysfunctional lenses.

Last week I texted her: "I feel like a fugitive. I AM a fugitive. Who can live as a fugitive? I want to run, hide." And she texted in reply, "Consider the possibility that you are a fugitive from your basic goodness."

So, even though she knows almost all of the worst about me, she still is able to send me positive messages. So, I guess the unveiling offers the opportunity to be accepted not matter how repugnant the view is underneath.

[skysblue]

The words below explain the risk for me and how it felt last year when my exposure resulted in hurt feelings by T. It was all a misunderstanding on my part and we have since resolved the issues but such a risk is inherent in all relationships we wish to grow into more authentic relationships. I took a risk with a friend recently and this friend hurtfully rejected me for my attempt at authenticity. I'm sure I carried much of the fault of our rupture but not being able to redeem myself is painful. So this poem is dedicated to my T and also to my friend whom I miss.


LIFE

Tender, tiny, hesitant,
This budding shoot of
Feelings - aloof and remote,
Daring to present.

Pushing through the frozen soil,
Its will for life smothering fear,
Stretching, reaching, exhaling.
Resistance, yes; yearning stronger.

Emerging, exploring, sensing
Pulse felt, long anesthetized,
Amnesia reversed; memory revived.
Awake!, Breathe, Create.

Blind stirring, naked intent,
Restrained no longer.
Roots unearthed, laid bare;
Essence, mine, recovered.

Tentative, this bud, its rhythm
Fragile,yet exhilarating
Its song, its energy,
Coursing through icy limbs.

Each atom responds in harmony.
Light and warmth of day beckon.
Invitation to come forth,
To be seen and to dance.

Safety promised, I disrobe
My passion, its seed.
Look, behold, this is me!
Kernel cracking. Blossoms to follow!

Sweet nectar pulsating joy
From subterranean, its origin;
To distant star, its destination.
THIS is life - raw, exposed, innocent.

Music reverberating,
All creation aquiver.
Its beat screams life;
Its meaning whispers love.

Delicate,immature,virginal,
This sprout comes alive.
Trusts protection offered;
Hardened defenses decompose.

Deep rests with deep;
Passage opens; dark meets light.
Movement between one and many,
Molecules, their intention, in concert.

Overture, child-like, to play,
To enjoy, to commune, to bond.
Nature's game beckons all
To come forth and BE.

The newborn, unable to perceive danger,
Its experiences penetrating and fresh,
Its bareness inviting communion,
Its innocence, a cradle of purity.

No warning, storm rampages.
New life trampled, crushed.
Ecstasy battered and entombed.
Music dies!

Ignorant and naive, surprised by assault,
Defenseless, it yields to threat.
Damage thrusts seedling to hibernation,
Burrowing in, “Heal Thyself” its commandment.

Winds of time promise rebirth;
Marrow warms and flows;
Senses stir, spirit animates
Fresh day has dawned.

Pain's lesson received and learned
Cloak of caution and veil of shyness,
New vestments essential for survival.
Worn this season, maybe more.

[Callmebj]

Lovely poem skysblue. When we become real and accepting in ourselves, we are beautiful. So happy you are making such tremendous progress.
hugs, bj

[CantExplain]

Nice poem!

[FourRedheads]

That is a beautiful poem!

[learning1]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

That's a good metaphor, and a good attitude.

Ah, but how many times have I thought I was down to my last garment only to find there was another set of clothes underneath!

I wonder if there really is a last set of garments. If not, I wonder if therapy is predicated on pretending there is.

I don't know, but I seem to be compelled to do therapy anyway. (Especially at the moment since my t was nice last session.)