[WantingtoHeal]

I'm new to this forum - have posted some today to different threads and other topics, though. I have very strong intense feelings for my new T that I've seen only a few times. I think about her all the time. I've looked her up online, found her Facebook page, figured out who her children are, her maiden name, where she lives, her phone number, where she's from, who her ex is, etc, etc. I have a picture of her that I look at every day to comfort me. She has given me very very little information about herself.

I have had these feelings for T's repeatedly so it doesn't surprise me. I'm just fed up with it, because it consumes me and I don't understand it and I don't know how to stop it and proceed with what got me into therapy in the first place. My feelings are both wanting a mother/nurturer and sexual in nature, so that confuses me even more. But, I really need a therapist!

I definitely mean no harm to her and I would never cross her personal boundaries by showing up at her house or calling her at home, so I don't even know why I want that information. It's like I just need to know who she is. I even had these severe crush like attachments when I was a child - usually on teachers or camp counselors. I never told anyone.

I can't imagine telling her about this. I'd be so humiliated and embarrassed, but if she could respond therapeutically, it would probably be so beneficial. I'm just very scared of what her reaction would be. I haven't quite figured her out yet.

I'm aware of the whole mother/father childhood issues, but I can't connect with that very well. I just don't "feel" anything.

I'm so grateful to have found this place and to find others struggling with a similar issue. I don't want to be a weirdo.

This issue really overwhelms me to the point of feeling suicidal -- I just get so sad about it, because I can't get what I want. Like a child, I guess.

[PreacherHeckler]

Have you read the thread called "Erotic Transference Explained?" It might help you understand what's happening to you.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=219031

[carla.cdt]

You mentioned you haven't figure her out yet. Bring up those thoughts/feelings at your next appointment. Therapists are used to clients having those types of obsessions.

Good luck !

[Chopin99]

Don't worry, what you are feeling is very normal. I've Google-stalked my therapist and found extensive info about her and her family...and my T is pretty darn open! I think it's about looking for a connection and equality. The therapeutic relationship is inherently unbalanced. I am not sexually attracted to T but I have strong "want her to be my mom" feelings that have yet to resolve.

[roads]

Does she have transcripts or any records from previous Ts? If not, arranging for this would be the quickest & best way probably to catch her up on these things that have caused problems in the past.

Has she been in the business long?

Thank you for sharing this, WantingToHeal. I could relate to so much of what you said- I also have a lifelong pattern of 'crush like attachments' on adult females, and have also felt confused in the past about whether I wanted them to be my mother or my lover. And I also felt overwhelmed to the point of suicide by it all. I'm so sorry you are in such a painful place.

I think that you have really good insight into this pattern, and how it makes you feel, and that's a great start.

Until my current T, I had never shared these feelings with anyone before. I honestly felt I would rather die than tell. Somehow, with this T, I decided to do it differently. To tell her up front, right from the start. I sent her an email very very early on, explaining what had happened to me with helping figures. She didn't run away. Over the months, as the same thing started to happen with her, I slowly tested the water and told her bit by bit. I remember asking her: What if I loved you? Will you be able to cope? Will you be able to help me cope? I asked her if she had ever felt the same towards anyone helping her, and that was really pivotal in taking away some of the shame and normalizing it a bit (it would be another year before I found this forum and truly realised I wasn't alone). A few weeks ago, nearly 3 years in, she told me that the first time she met me she knew what I needed from her, and what our relationship would be like. I was like- you knew? Why didn't you tell me instead of leaving me in agony for months trying to tell you?!

I wonder whether you could tell your T about this pattern in your past, as a start?

[WantingtoHeal]

Thank you so much for the wonderful replies. I so much appreciate the kind responses. It's so nice to not be alone!

No, she doesn't have any of my previous records. I haven't been able to be real clear about my history, because I'm only remembering it in pieces. I did recently contact one of these T's and he may be of some help. I have tried to clear up some things, but we get off track. I actually did tell her about my experience of this with another T and she said that was normal, seemed unphased by it, but I didn't really go into the depth of the extreme emotion of it and she changed the subject.

I think in this next session, I will ask her a few questions to sort of test the waters. I'm not sure how much experience she has. I tried to find that online, but couldn't. She seems pretty confident and I feel quite safe with her as of now. I have already opened up more than I ever expected I would. That could be out of desperation though, lately. I've been talking/writing to whomever will listen lately - quite uncharacteristic of me.

I live in a rather po-dunk part of the country, though, and I wonder how much contact she's had with people like me. That sounds awful. i just mean there are major major country folk out here - no one that I can relate to.
That sounds arrogant, but I don't mean to be. Everyone here is a gun-toting, deer-hunting, republican, anti-gay, staunch fundamentalist (no offense to those here who are those things) I promise I do not mean to offend anyone with those comments - I am just not any one of those things and feel like an outsider here. No one here has a clue or cares a bit about recycling or things like that.

anyway...

She's also a counselor. So, there's a different emphasis on training than there is with psychiatrists and psychologists. Just a little uncertain what her approach might be.

I did read "Erotic Transference Explained." That was incredible! Helped me tremendously. I still have questions, though. I printed it out. I am going to bring it to my next session just in case the issue comes up. Just maybe.

A huge problem is that I have big issues with sex. I can't even say the word out loud and if a therapist says it to me or anything related, I retreat big time. I just can't handle certain words. So for me to verbalize this seems like such a stretch. I definitely am going to have to ease into it. I don't know how I'm ever going to talk about stuff or get my issues dealt with. I won't even acknowledge that sex even is something that exists as part of me. Jeesh. I've had a child, yet if a therapist were to ask me if I ever had sex, I'd adamantly deny it, even if the therapist knew I had a child. How crazy is that!

Oh, kind of got off topic, there. This is really helping me to type this stuff here. Thank you so much for being here yes, got long-winded there.