[rainbow8]

Okay, I wasn't going to start another thread, but I feel so "out of sorts" about the erotic transference article! I posted at the end of the thread but decided to start my own thread about my reactions. First, Velvet: I'm glad you posted the article; it is very interesting though triggering to me.

I sent the link to my T and told her I wanted to discuss it. I have a lot of those "hoarding" type feelings, and it's especially relevant because I just asked her questions about herself. Of course, I have had my pattern for my whole life so the information isn't new to me at all! It could be the way he put it that is upsetting.

I don't like to think that my relationship to my T is only based on my transference for her. That is demeaning to me because I know my feelings for her are genuine. Yet I had the same feelings for 4 other Ts! I thought they were special too. I know I like my current T best, though. I obsessed about the others but we didn't fit as well as this T. I never felt so comfortable with any of them and I never shared so much. But the fact is that the description fits me.

I want to know that it's not black and white. It's not JUST erotic transference. I really care about my T as a person even if I don't know all about her. It's both. Can it be both?

I have to discuss this with her because no matter what, the transference stuff is my main issue, more than the shame stuff. Hey, I think EMDR worked since I'm not thinking about it, but instead am concentrating on this article and what it means.

I just wanted to get this out, not asking for agreement or disagreement. I think Can'tExplain, you said the article triggered you. Anyone else?

[unaluna]

"So remember why someone goes into psychotherapy: to experience a sense of genuine recognition so as to overcome the lack that disturbs current social functioning. Once all the manipulation, game-playing, and dishonesty that characterize your interpersonal relationships are dissolved through the integrity and honesty of the therapeutic relationship, then you can enter into an honest life of true love for others."

You are emphasizing your feelings for T, but I see it in this quote as being about T's feelings for us, if you consider recognition to be feelings. Somehow T has convinced me I matter. Or maybe PC did! Or together you have. so now i'm standing here with my leg out like Angelina Jolie, ready to show everyone some true love.

what exactly bothers you about the article? are you taking a phrase out of context?

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Okay, I wasn't going to start another thread, but I feel so "out of sorts" about the erotic transference article! I posted at the end of the thread but decided to start my own thread about my reactions. First, Velvet: I'm glad you posted the article; it is very interesting though triggering to me.

I sent the link to my T and told her I wanted to discuss it. I have a lot of those "hoarding" type feelings, and it's especially relevant because I just asked her questions about herself. Of course, I have had my pattern for my whole life so the information isn't new to me at all! It could be the way he put it that is upsetting.

I don't like to think that my relationship to my T is only based on my transference for her. That is demeaning to me because I know my feelings for her are genuine. Yet I had the same feelings for 4 other Ts! I thought they were special too. I know I like my current T best, though. I obsessed about the others but we didn't fit as well as this T. I never felt so comfortable with any of them and I never shared so much. But the fact is that the description fits me.

I want to know that it's not black and white. It's not JUST erotic transference. I really care about my T as a person even if I don't know all about her. It's both. Can it be both?

I have to discuss this with her because no matter what, the transference stuff is my main issue, more than the shame stuff. Hey, I think EMDR worked since I'm not thinking about it, but instead am concentrating on this article and what it means.

I just wanted to get this out, not asking for agreement or disagreement. I think Can'tExplain, you said the article triggered you. Anyone else?

I am triggered by all of this. I don't know what the heck is going on with me! Sometimes I think trying to get to the root of all our feelings and emotions is twisted in some way. I can see why some are leary of going into therapy. Worried they may make stuff up, or become someone they aren't.

I am sorry that you are upset, rainbow. This is a nightmare for me. I want to wake up and have all of this transference stuff disappear!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I just wanted to get this out, not asking for agreement or disagreement. I think Can'tExplain, you said the article triggered you.

Correct.

[rainbow8]

hankster: The whole idea triggers me! The information is not new to me, and I know it's what my "pattern" is all about, but seeing it spelled out so clearly upsets me. I don't want my relationship with my T to be only "erotic transference". I want to believe it's more than that. It's demeaning to me to think otherwise. I don't want to be "in love" with my T; I want it to be something else. Maybe it already is. Only PART of me feels the erotic transference, but that part is very sad. I think my T will help me sort if out. In the meantime, I just feel crummy. I've been doing fine with EMDR and not having it be about my T but that part is always ready to pop out, like with the questions for my T. I don't WANT my questions to be about erotic transference!!!!! I just wanted to share something with her and know her feelings. I want there to be a middle ground!

squiggle: I'm sorry you feel that way. It's so hard!!!

Can'tExplain: I'm sorry too.

[Sannah]

Rainbow, I think that it can be both. I'm sure you are longing for a true, deep relationship and this drives you.

[rainbow8]

Rainbow, I think that it can be both. I'm sure you are longing for a true, deep relationship and this drives you.

Sannah: I wish I could see my T right now so she could see me crying. More than anything, I want true, deep relationships. I have a couple in RL which are of course reciprocal, but I want it with my T because she sees all of me and accepts me. No one in RL wants to know me that well. So I do "hoard" the good feelings my T gives me. I won't stop ever wanting them. I wish my relationship with my T were real. She will say that it is, but I know it's limited. I hate this transference stuff!

[Sannah]

There are people IRL who are capable of deep relationships. You must not be choosing them, though. I know I have talked to you about fear of intimacy before. I did this subconsciously. I hung out with people who were not capable of being intimate and then complained about how shallow they were! Then I realized that when I was around someone who was capable of being close I ran. I worked with myself so that now I can tolerate being close to others and I am enjoying deeper relationships.

Your T feels safe for you because she can't get too close. If she was IRL I'll bet you would have run away and fast.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by Sannah

There are people IRL who are capable of deep relationships. You must not be choosing them, though. I know I have talked to you about fear of intimacy before. I did this subconsciously. I hung out with people who were not capable of being intimate and then complained about how shallow they were! Then I realized that when I was around someone who was capable of being close I ran. I worked with myself so that now I can tolerate being close to others and I am enjoying deeper relationships.

Your T feels safe for you because she can't get too close. If she was IRL I'll bet you would have run away and fast.

Wow, you just said exactly what I'm experiencing. Sometimes my thoughts get tangled into a knotted mess, and I don't know how to express them. But this is an untangled version.

Rainbow - I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this. I am too. I DON'T want it; but at the same time, am strangely drawn to it. So damn confusing.

[rainbow8]

Sannah, I probably would have run away from someone like my T in the past. You're right that she's safe because she's not in my RL. Now I want to be close to others. I've found a couple of women who want that deep relationship with me, with all the sharing. It's hard for me to reciprocate, though I truly like to help others and listen to their challenges too. But I still have a huge need for it to be about me, which is what I get in therapy. I'm spoiled from all of my therapy! So I have to talk more about those needs with my T.

The main part bothering me now is wondering if my feelings for my T are sincere or just a "product of my issues." I just feel cheated somehow, and confused. I need to accept that the T-relationship is unique but it IS real. I'm more upset about my feelings toward her than hers toward me. That's weird!!!

Beautiful.mess: thank you! Yes, it's confusing!

[rainbow8]

I feel depressed. I want my T to tell me not to pay attention to psychology articles and labels! She will probably say that, more or less, but I have to wait until Tuesday. I have to sit with my feelings but they don't want to sit. They want to run around and drive me nuts!!

[unaluna]

how closely are you reading these articles? I am taking each sentence and/or paragraph and trying to decipher the author's meaning, and its meaning for me, and how it relates to current T and our r/s right now. That makes it a LITTLE easier, a smaller problem, keeping it in the here and now. I posted at the end of the other E.T. thread. I don't know if that example would help you or not.

it does hurt a little to be left behind, but it's not the end of the world. why does it feel like the end of the world? I know the answer for me, what is the answer for you - ie not just or even necessarily R8, but whoever this resonates with (if anyone! I should change my name to threadkiller!)

[rainbow8]

hankster, I guess I'm lumping the whole transference phenomenon (I think I spelled that wrong!) into one package without leaving any room for variations. Your method sounds much better!

it does hurt a little to be left behind, but it's not the end of the world. why does it feel like the end of the world? I know the answer for me, what is the answer for you -

I'm sorry but I don't know what you're referring to above. Left behind in the thread? Left behind in the world? Left behind by my T? It's an interesting question but please explain what you mean. Thanks!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm sorry but I don't know what you're referring to above. Left behind in the thread? Left behind in the world? Left behind by my T? It's an interesting question but please explain what you mean. Thanks!

I meant my T went on vacation and left me behind!

[rainbow8]

Oh! I'm sorry your T went on vacation and left you behind. I've felt that way when my T went to Hawaii. I wanted so badly to sneak into her suitcase! Why did that feel like the end of the world? Because I felt like I need her so very much, though according to that article, it's desire and want, not need. If she died, I would feel like it's the end of the world but I know life would go on. It may be that it's a lot easier to worry about my T dying than about anyone in my family, though I worry about them too. Whatever I say seems to end up to be about loss and fear of death. My T will talk about those fears with me; she's good with those issues.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

"So remember why someone goes into psychotherapy: to experience a sense of genuine recognition so as to overcome the lack that disturbs current social functioning. Once all the manipulation, game-playing, and dishonesty that characterize your interpersonal relationships are dissolved through the integrity and honesty of the therapeutic relationship, then you can enter into an honest life of true love for others."

Too many long words! Speak English, dammit!

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Too many long words! Speak English, dammit!

I agree. I can't explain this to myself, let alone anyone else .....

I'm more and more into authentic experience and going from there.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Too many long words! Speak English, dammit!

Quit watching so much TV and playing video games, dammitback! This is why you kids get F's in Reading Comprehension and Retention! Not my words, I was quoting articles. This is why T's get paid those big bucks. THOUGHT: Is this the kind of stuff stopdog expects her T to explain to her, just "off the cuff"?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by hankster

Quit watching so much TV and playing video games, dammitback! This is why you kids get F's in Reading Comprehension and Retention! Not my words, I was quoting articles. This is why T's get paid those big bucks. THOUGHT: Is this the kind of stuff stopdog expects her T to explain to her, just "off the cuff"?

Yes, among other stuff.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Yes, among other stuff.

Yeah, I don't think they will. I need to understand what's going on at this level of explanation before - well, before the tiniest fart of a feeling will cut loose! Pardon the expression!

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by hankster

Yeah, I don't think they will. I need to understand what's going on at this level of explanation before - well, before the tiniest fart of a feeling will cut loose! Pardon the expression!

Hankster - you and I have been coronated the royalty of analytical thinking. We so groove in it, don't we? It is from those towers of the castle that we can look across the distant fields and KNOW what's going on, right? Yes yes yes yes. Oops, but dang, looking hither and thither and we miss that the Trojan horse is not what he seems.

Still, reading comprehension can be useful at times.