[Mindinpieces]

So today have a session with a T this is my 2 time I have seen her and I had seen another colleague of her before for 2 sessions as well which I didn’t like and luckily he couldn’t work for while so I got to see her instead.
He thought I have generalized social anxiety, which maybe a little of that but that’s not my real issue and she agrees. I do not have a classified mental health problem, as far as I know. Also I was meant to have CBT but that won’t help and she said we can try something else. I forgot what she call it but it looks at accepting what you think and lowering the level it affects you instead of changing something that can’t be change and wouldn’t help to try and change.
However I am not sure I even want to do this, even she question me is it worth her trying to challenge my solid thoughts and beliefs which are rigid and I can’t remember another good way she described it. I am not sure if I have in me to try to be what I want out of life.
I can’t see it going right for me. I completely hate myself and really am my own worst enemy. I think if only I could be someone else then it would go right. Yet I am alive and able to do those things but this is wrong and I will never succeed as I am me. How do you win a losing battle with yourself? I even end up tripping myself up on purpose or set myself up for failure might be better way to put it, done it before and probably do it again even if I try because that makes things all alright, as long as I fail. I can’t change my hatred for myself but that’s what I am supposed to work on lowering. But is it worth the work on when believe it or not I am okish with how I am as a person. But I know I Can’t really function in real world. When working cracks start showing then it’s back to tears and obsessing on finding another job because it’s just this job that is wrong that all it is, Or maybe I should start looking at the pieces of my mind for once.
Now I have got this out I have to deal with it even if it my half sort of try but look it failed end of bothering.

[Mindinpieces]

I just got what my problem is. I don't want to bother to change myself becuase that would require me to do what I want to just disapear from and switch off, my mind and thoughts and feelings but to move forward I have to put up with them or work on them but I just want them to stop. So I tell myself if I don't bother then they wouldn't be a problem becuase I have nothing to focus on therefore they would stop, however this only works for as long as I can lock myself in my room and get away with it.

[Callmebj]

Hi Sweetie, Did the T think this new therapy might work for you in the long run, if you are really able to embrace it and trust her to guide you in the process? You are use to thinking in this certain way and if you do baby-steps with it and take one small item at a time to change; it should not be overwhelming for you...maybe a bit painful. I know when I think about deep cleaning my whole house; it is a bit overwhelming...but if I think in terms of cleaning out my kitchen cabinets...doesn't sound so hard. I can do that one thing; then I can move onto something else. In a week or so by doing one small thing at a time, then my whole place is clean from top to bottom.

I really get the feeling you would like to make changes in yourself, but I think there is some fear there and I don't know how much you actually will put your trust in a T.

I really can't help but wonder why you feel that you hate yourself. I get down on myself and feel inadequate at times, and can kick myself for saying anything careless to someone. So there are times when I get a bit put-off with myself, but I don't hate me. I doubt seriously that you have done things as wrong as I have, mainly because I have more years of mistake making to myself.

Can you tell me anything about your parents. You told me once that you were not abused but what do you feel your family dynamics were? Was there a lot of
mutual acceptance/respect/love between you, your parent and your siblings ( if you have any siblings)?

Anyhow, I feel like you will make the best choices you can and I will be rooting for you.
Take Care and Hugs, bj

[gma45]

Why do you think you don't deserve to be happy? You do!!! If it is your job can you get another? You will still be you only at a different job. Have you been told you were no good or you could not do things? I know that is the message I heard all my life, my ideas were not good enough. I was not good enough, too short, too stupid etc.... It is taking a long time to change that message in my mind but that is the only thing I feel I need to change and things would improve for me. That makes it easier for me to change if I think of it that way. I don't know if this will help you, I sure hope it does. Take care! Don't give up on yourself!!!!

[Mindinpieces]

Thank You for your reply. Sorry I am in not best moods or frame of mind and not very careing towards others at moment. But even so thank you for your comments I will look over them and probably get myself back on track in time. Wish you all the best