[Wren_]

So, I have to respond to a situation pretty much yesterday and keep delaying it. I was pounced on with a lot of criticism, lies and negativity from people i've been working on a long term project with. It's all unpaid and was meant to be working with them but they've changed it to working for instead. Now things aren't going so well and they are putting the blame fully on me and expecting me to fix it.

mT wants me to tell point out the lies they've said and put the blame back on them and let them know I'm angry. I'm concerned about their possible reactions to his advice though and want to run instead or apologize to them, offer possible fixes and ignore the lies.

My head has been in a really bad place lately and even the tiniest stressor sets it off again so I'm worried that responding the way he wants me to will make things much worse. I tried explaining that and he said I'd done harder things before and needed to do this for me; I don't know if its wise to invite more stress though or what I should do. I know nobody can really tell me either but any advice would be good

[mixedup_emotions]

I totally understand how scary it can feel to take that risk to be assertive and stand up for yourself. One thing that my T stresses to me is to not to add to my pile of unfinished business. By not addressing this honestly, you would be swallowing the anger and resentment as a trade off for being scared and not wanting to rock the boat. In the end, you are the one that suffers. What I've also learned is that people's reactions are theirs to own....and if they react poorly, that's on them. I can only do my part which is share my feelings honestly. Yes, it's scary, especially for those of us who have avoided conflict and confrontation. It may feel less stressful to avoid confronting them because that's what you may be used to...but those feelings of anger and resentment are then buried in you and added to the reservoir.

You may very well feel empowered by conquering that fear. A few months ago, I finally addressed a good friend of mine about her behavior that has had an unhealthy impact on me. It was UGLY. Her entire family attacked me for it.....It was so incredibly painful. But in the end, I am in a healthier place and am not continuing to harbor those feelings that ate away at me.....

I hope you find the courage to do this. ((( HUGS )))

[Perna]

I would take the worst lie and "meditate" on it until I felt my anger and then point that one out. I would make a list of the lies and write out the "proof" for each, just for myself (not thinking about them or how they might respond).

I would not like to work with them anymore. If it is a long-term volunteer thing you still want to belong to (why, with coworkers/members like that?) I would see if I could figure out how to salvage your volunteering but otherwise, I'd decide the group wasn't a good fit for me since the other people I'm working with are not those I'd want as friends (and, when you are volunteering, that's a bit part!).

If you cannot confront your coworkers, can you write a letter to the head of the organization and resign at the same time? You do need to let someone know that you aren't just running off because you are ashamed but are angry at your treatment.

[sconnie892]

I agree with mixedup_emotions. Being assertive can be very scary. The first few times I did it at work I thought everyone was going to hate me.

Is there any way you could practice what you want to say beforehand? Even if it's just writing out what you want to say?

Don't bottle up your emotions about this. They are valid and you have right to express them in a healthy manner.

[granite1]

boy do i get this .i quit instead of confront people i was angry with.it is just so hard to do anger and hurt. i.m sorry you are in this situation. my first responce is i know you are a wonderful person and would guess you have worked very hard and do not deserve this criticism at all.i wish you could see and feel this so you would be able to stand up for yourself.you are worth while.they need to know this .shame on them

[Wren_]

Thanks. I think it comes back to where I keep ending up, that I'm scared of anger and don't know what to do with it. Other peoples anger real and imagined; my own anger which I usually turn inwards. Anger and fear. I'm so sick of both getting in the way. If they get angry can I handle it? I need to change my name to cowardly lion perhaps.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

Thanks. I think it comes back to where I keep ending up, that I'm scared of anger and don't know what to do with it. Other peoples anger real and imagined; my own anger which I usually turn inwards. Anger and fear. I'm so sick of both getting in the way. If they get angry can I handle it? I need to change my name to cowardly lion perhaps.

I'm the same way - terrified of being the recipient of anger. Scared I'll burst into tears. I can relate to your dilemma.

[learning1]

I agree with what MUE and all wrote. I like the idea of not adding to one's pile of unfinished business. And I think Perna had a good question about why you want to continue if it's a volunteer job. But you might have a good answer to Perna's question, like if you've invested a lot of energy and would be very hurt/disappointed not to see the project through.

On the other hand, as you said, you've been dealing with a lot lately. Sometimes that isn't the best moment to try a new skill. Obviously you've talked to your t about it, but do you think he clearly understands your concern that right now might not be the best time to test out new assertiveness skills? Has he thought that through with you? You said time is urgent, so if talking it through more with your t isn't an option, I guess at least take into consideration how well you think he understood your concern. I hope you can tell your colleagues what you need to tell them, but if you decide now isn't the right time, there could be good reasons for that too.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

I'm scared of anger and don't know what to do with it. Other peoples anger real and imagined; my own anger which I usually turn inwards. Anger and fear. I'm so sick of both getting in the way. If they get angry can I handle it?

Are you working on this in therapy?