[Snuffleupagus]

So after session confronting my parentification with my mom yesterday, I wrote this email to my T:

Dear T,

I know that I said it in a rather backhanded way in session today, so I wanted to be a bit more direct and honest. Thank you for giving me a safe place for the grief about my mom to come out. Thanks also for seeming to care for me which has given me a glimpse of the nurturing I missed out on and may well have forged the grief in the first place. I wouldn't have gotten there without our relationship. I truly value you.

With love,
Snuffle

She responded very sweetly:

Hi Snuffle,
As I have said before, it is an honor to be part of your healing and growth.
Warmly,
T

And I responded like a twisted psycho:

I feel like a major pill for responding this way and I categorically would not with anyone except my therapist who has told me to tell her when I'm bothered because I know this is completely my stuff, but when I hear the words "As I have said before..." what hits my ear is "How many times do I have to tell you this, retard? I wish you would stop ****ing thanking me, so I could stop pretending to be gracious."

So, yeah, some cognitive distortions and trust issues. Did I mention I'm uncomfortable with vulnerability?

What is wrong with me? I am eagerly awaiting the day when my ears hear what people say, and dammit I am just having too many emotions today. You know, ever since my session yesterday I've had a weird need to have a tantrum. Maybe that email was it. Yup, I've been a tantrum looking for a trigger. It didn't take me very long to light upon something.

[CantExplain]

Looks like you still have some anger which you are transferring to your T. Still, better out than in!

P.S.

[Snuffleupagus]

Yeah I guess. Better to have the tantrum with her than my partner or someone else IRL.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus

Yeah I guess. Better to have the tantrum with her than my partner or someone else IRL.

True...better to tantrum with a nice, safe T rather than someone you have an invested r/s with!!

[Snuffleupagus]

My T continues to amaze me with her honesty, humanity, and kindness. She wrote saying she could understand my feelings and apologized. I'm floored. I don't know what to do with this level of kindness after my last experience in therapy. Here's a partial quote:

I am so glad you feel comfortable enough with me to let me know when I blow it, and I did. I am sorry.

I'm feeling really blessed.

[Sannah]

Good work Snuffle. By being open and honest you are giving yourself the opportunity to work through all of this. Keep up the good work! And you have an awesome therapist!

Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus

My T continues to amaze me with her honesty, humanity, and kindness. She wrote saying she could understand my feelings and apologized. I'm floored. I don't know what to do with this level of kindness after my last experience in therapy. Here's a partial quote:

I am so glad you feel comfortable enough with me to let me know when I blow it, and I did. I am sorry.

I'm feeling really blessed.

My T is like this, too... It's so amazing to have a relationship with someone who has so much self-reflection and looks beyond our actions and shows compassion for the child and every part of us! Complete opposite of FOO. I'm so happy for you!!!

[Snuffleupagus]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Good work Snuffle. By being open and honest you are giving yourself the opportunity to work through all of this. Keep up the good work! And you have an awesome therapist!

I really do. I don't know if she believes in reincarnation or what, but she made a comment that my mom was not an old soul. I don't think any observation about my mom has ever tickled me quite so much with its understatement. I started belly laughing and pulled out my phone with pictures of my mid sixties mom on a Razor scooter. My therapist looks at me and deadpans--Yup, she's new.

Reincarnation or no. The comment helps me understand and accept my mom.